submissive journal of Sactos_aphrodite aphrodites_saphy: Location....Glasgow, Scotland. Owner.....Sactoguy. Age.....33. TASK #1 What do you expect to gain from this experience? I expect to gain the feeling of being alive in a sense I guess....to follow my natural instinctiveness...to become who I feel I am deep within myself, and to be guided appropriately to be able to find what I need to. My natural instincts crave me to be in service, to yield to a protector, a soul mate, a teacher and a friend as well as a lover. Someone who will guide and nurture me to become the best I can be, someone who will accept my ability/need to find that person who is worthy of my gift of submission. Someone who will accept my weaknesses for what they are and for what they can be nurtured to become and likewise, my strengths. To have the ability to without question, control and have power over my very soul, my will, my mind and my body completely, another need I have, and for me to have the ability to trust this person implicitly, to be able to lay my very existence in his palms and know that he will not damage me. Although this gift I have always owned, i have only found one person truly worthy of now gifting it to....my Master. And how do I know this? I know this because, He never leaves my mind, when He's absent from me, my heart aches, my tears flow because i yearn and crave Him so and when together W/we connect on a level I have never had the experience of. We are truly One, two halves, the half of each others whole. It is an intense emotion of which I feel happy, content, fulfilled and satisfied. He protects and comforts me when I need that of Him, even when i dont know it myself, He fills me with respect, adoration and awe for Him and in return I try to please Him as best I can but yet it still doesn't feel enough, i know He is worthy of me and my submission but I'm finding it hard to be worthy of Him....I write this today, hoping for clarification, starting this journal to coincide with O/our, my journey...hoping to focus my mind, so I can better serve my One. (Edited by aphrodites_saphy)  delightful_dina: Very well done babycakes. I know exactly how you feel. When we find one we want so very much to please in our eyes we never do enough and find what we feel we could have done better. Just remember as long as He has a smile and tells you you have done well accept it and hold your head up high. Please do continue.  DEEP_acheleg: "My natural instincts crave me to be in service,,," i may not be so submissive; however, this statement strikes a chord- as i have come to find it fulfilling when i allow myself to bring joy to others, or when i find myself to be of assistance to others in a time of need. a community like this promotes mutual respect and consideration- subs respect their Dom/mes insight and caring direction, while Dom/mes balance respect for their subs comfort zones with their consistency and care in challenging their subs limits. each partner serves the other, whether Dom/me or sub, in fulfilling each others goals and desires. it is better to give than receive...  aphrodites_saphy: TASK #2 What does submission mean to you? I've spent 20 years of my life building myself to be the person I am today, in that same length of time ive only had my younger sister to call family. So where i am today, ive done on my own. Ive had my happy moments, but more often than not, its been tough, ive experienced things I rather wouldn't have and I've learnt from them or so I thought....I've got 5 children from relationships that didn't work because I always seemed to pick the abusive partners....in RL i have a very dominant nature....not because it naturally comes to me but because I've been somewhat 'forced' to live no other way. Picking myself up time and time and time again with kids in tow...I had to take control, I had responsibilities, I had to be strong. I reflected quite a few times but never seemed to move forward, I ended up back where I started....until recently, enough was finally enough, I'd came up against a stone wall and it was either get over it or forever be imprisoned behind it with no way forward. I spent weeks maybe months going over and over... wondering where it all went wrong, wondering what I did wrong and thats when it hit me.....I lived day to day controlling everything around me but when I was in relationships my nature changed...I naturally submitted...no I didn't sink to my knees in the vanilla world...I cried. Where I thought I'd done wrong and failed, I was disappointed to the point I was left to over analyse. I was alone. No one to point me in the right direction, no-one to lead me, no one to teach me, no-one to pick me up and dry my tears. I got over it myself after beating myself up emotionally and I grew stronger, because I had to. Looking back, I actually wasnt getting what I really needed, I wasnt relenting, I didn't have that release to be the me that I really was inside. My life as I'd known it was a lie. For months and months I surpressed these feelings, writing myself off, I was never going to be able to be the person that had been shut away all this time. And then I came across the lifestyle and found wire....it became my new family, its where I felt and still feel like I belong.... Its where I feel like I can be me finally! I log in and I breathe a sigh of relief. I can truly be the submissive that I've craved to be, that I've needed to be, thats screamed from the darkest, deepest parts of who I am. I have my Master, who I love dearly, He probably has no idea just how much, to finally be true to myself in His presence, is something I never, ever thought was possible. I gifted Him my submission, in accepting it, He gifted to me, me. And for that I will forever be in awe of Him, I adore Him absolutely and i love Him dearly. I've gave Him my all....he has complete control over my will, my body, my mind and my heart....I can't think of any two better places to be than in His arms or at His feet...offering everything I am to Him. Giving Him that power over me, yes at times I'm testing for Him but I try my best not to be.....20 yrs of bad habits is hard to break but I trust Him completely to break me down and I know, with every part of me that in time I will eventually feel worthy of Him. I spend my time doing anything I can within my power to please Him, to be there when He needs me, whenever He needs me. To love Him. If I can make him smile and feel pleased and happy with His submissive every day then I will be content with that. My need is Him. delightful_dina: Very well written hun  i completely understand what you have been through, i have been there myself. Not easy when there is a powerful gift within us that we desire soo much to release yet no way to release it. I am so very happy you have found One worthy of your precious gift and watching you blossom is such a beautiful view. Please do cotinue. aphrodites_saphy: Kart dina sweet Thank you! So very much! I wasn't sure about leaving this after I posted...the initial thought was scary but it gave me the closure I needed to get past it I think. Your words ring true dina as they always do, I'm sorry you've been in they dark places, its not great...but thankfully, its made us both who we are today...and led us towards the ultimate happiness. Thank you for your kind words, I'll pray that you find the happiness your seeking as well. *curtsies* I shall.  MrTaco: SMILES......I know you didn't expect to see me here, but here I am, and I am pleased. You are doing very nice work here... aphrodites_saphy: *this girl smiles back at her Master lovingly, full of content and a sense of freedom* I really didn't Master *blushes* but I'm so glad you are pleased. Thank you!  aphrodites_saphy: Of course Master...... *curtsies low to the floor bowing her head and lowering her eyes with a very happy smile on her lips* aphrodites_saphy: TASK #3 Dominants should always be typed with a Capital letter and submissive with a lowercase letter unless otherwise instructed. Why? The easy explanation is that it is supposed to differentiate between the two....it is given as a measure of respect. Personally, I have the highest form of respect for my owner and i call no-one but Him Master....I greet all other Dominants respectfully regardless. Dominants I do not know, will be greeted by name which will be capitalised. Dominants I am familiar with will be given their capitalised name followed by the title Sir/Mistress when greeted and when taking leave. I have close friends who I regard as family, some of which are Dominants, they are given their capitalised name alongside a when greeted and taking their leave.In regards to subs, I know quite a few. I'm pleased to say that during my time here I have made many friends, I have grew close to quite a few who I now regard as family......my very much loved and respected sub sisters. sub's names are always lowercased, but as above, I differentiate, sub's I don't know are greeted by name and a friendly gesture i.e or  my sisters are given their title sister before or after their submissive name alongside a and or  In saying all this, when I became owned by my Master, it was discussed to change my name to reflect my new status. As can be seen, as a full nsme, it is indeed capitalised. This has been frowned upon by a few within the community/lifestyle which saddens me greatly. Why? Because it is deemed as disrespectful for a sub whether owned or unowned to bear a capitalised name. I wear my Masters name with honour and with pride and I'm well aware that any disrespect shown on my part will greatly effect Him as my owner. My name as shown, is made up of my Master's name as well as my own...which IS lowercased. I raised my concerns with my Master, and felt great disappointment in having the need to do so. It was decided and confirmed that my name refers to me as my Masters owned submissive which is why it remains as is. My own name is aphrodite, which is grammatically correct and as it should be. (Edited by aphrodites_saphy) delightful_dina: i can not agree with you more. i once carried a capitalized id when owned and i did so out of respect. What others think does not matter. Not one relationship is the same. We all have our own likes, dislikes and, agreements. When it comes to the id that symbolizes your bond to your Master the only opinions that matter are yours and your Master's. Remember this is your bond not theirs. And you are doing wonderful. Please do continue. aphrodites_saphy: Thank you dina I'm well aware that it is inevitable that people will question me about it and that it so happens, I even get greeted with the name of my Master lol but I know that ultimately, its how O/our relationship is defined, and these definitions are made between my Master and myself as to what we are both most at ease with. thank you sweet and I shall. MrTaco: Smiles and nods at the last sentence of the question. "Unless otherwise instructed" there can be no argument with you baby.....you are doing as instructed.... aphrodites_saphy: TASK #4 SAFE WORD: •not ordinarily something one hears during a scene •gives participants in a D/s scene a way to express their discomfort or need to stop the play •should be stated before hand so everyone knows to stop when they hear it •play should stop IMMEDIATELY when it is said LIMITS: •any action or scene that someone is not comfortable doing •should be stated before play begins; however they sometimes pop up during play….use your safe word if this happens --List your safe word and limits, think carefully. I had my limits and my need for safe words written out and detailed from even before the start of my journey began, I will attach these for the purpose of this task. It should be known though that in my relationship with my Master, the connection W/we have, the trust that the whole relationship is built on, I'm content and happy to know that not at any point will I be subjected to harm or discomfort. I trust Him completely and have never at any point felt unsafe in His hands. My limits which are listed are not a true reflection on me now and they have changed somewhat and this is only because my Master has guided me well to overcome these to the point where I am now extremely comfortable and excited by they're presence during O/our relationship...play or otherwise. *smiles deeply* These may seem extreme and they do to me now...they most definitely are *nods* But as a new sub, when these were written, I felt it extremely necessary to air on the side of caution and protect myself against the unknown, especially with the understanding that my role within the lifestyle along my needs, require me to be completely submissive and to yield. You can't possibly do this unless you place yourself and your all at your partners will. My limits/need for safe words ————————————————— 1. No submissive acts to be undertaken whilst in the presence of children or family/friends. If an act of discipline or a task has to be completed during this time then i will take note and do so in private as soon as possible. 2. No submissive acts which are deemed as humiliating have to take place whilst in public. The above will be undertaken in private as soon as possible and will conform with the limits set out. 3. Drastic loss of circulation. 4. Drastic loss of air. 5. Causing internal bleeding. 6. Loss of conciousness 7. Breakage of bones. 8. Withholding of necessities such as food, water, sunlight and bathroom facilities. 9. Death. 10. Any damage that results in loss of mobility or function. 11. Any permanent marks on the skin incl. cuts, scars, burns or tattoos (unless agreed beforehand) 12. Any loss of hair (unless agreed beforehand) 13. Any piercings that result in a permanent hole (unless agreed beforehand) 14. No activity/act to involve the use of human or animal excrements (urine/faeces) 15. No activity/ act to involve children or animals in any regard. 16. No name calling which is deemed as offensive or degrading (unless discussed beforehand) 17. No media will be sent that depicts my identity unless completely and fully clothed. Any nude media will not be identified as me in any way. These are my limits. But in addition to these i require to hold veto power over any command given or task set at which time i can rightfully refuse to obey under the following guidelines. 1. Where the commands/task conflict with laws and may lead to fines, arrest or prosecution of myself. 2. Where the commands/task may cause extreme damage to my life, such as (and to incl. but not limited to) job loss or family stress. 3. Where the command/task may cause mental or bodily harm. I also reserve the right to have the use of 2 safe words and an item of audible sound where a safe word is not appropriate if and when needed, one which will demand that any command/activity/task must stop immediately because i feel at risk (reasons which will be explained at the time) and the other which will not disregard the command/task (unless agreed) but will give me the opportunity to openly discuss any concerns i may have regarding it, and an audible item to compensate both if I'm in any way unable to speak. As I stated beforehand, these are my initial list of limits from when I first entered the lifestyle, and looking back now, it proves greatly that with connection and with trust you can grow beyond who you percieve yourself to be. My Master has truly made this an experience in which i can be free to explore myself completely and comfortably and this is one of the many reasons I love him as much as I do *smiles deeply and appreciatively* delightful_dina: Wow very well done i love to see you sat and thought about these things long before you began. i truly believe we must first find ourselves before we can find and serve One. you are doing an amazing job! Please do continue. (Post deleted by aphrodites_saphy ) aphrodites_saphy: Thank you Dina sweet as always....I've been extremely open and honest within this journal and stated for the first time at the beginning my innermost depths. I spent months finding me and what made me tick, discovering my needs to be complete within myself.... I felt it only fair and just to know my self before I began my journey, otherwise, would have been unfair to me and my One. I am extremely lucky that me and my Master connected well and follow similar paths in O/our needs and O/our kinks....and those that I didnt necessarily find capable of before He has opened me up to, all the while keeping me safe. I'm comforted in O/our relationship and to me....it means I can serve Him above and beyond my means and furthermore, satisfy my need to please Him. delightful_dina: you are absolutlely correct and i am in awe with you just so you know. you are doing amazing and i look forward to your next task. |
......very good and well written, saphy.