KittenStormhart's Journal

KittenBlu: Wire Screenname ~~KittenBlu

Owned by ~~ Lord Tarjas Schattenherz, Warrior Prince of the Schattenherz Clan

Status ~~lower slave in a poly group

When i last visited the Academy as a student, i was an owned submissive. That was 3 years ago. Since then i have traveled along many different paths of the Lifestyle.

I do this new journal to learn how i have grown, if at all, in the Lifestyle. Please bear with the ramblings of a sometimes confused woman. Any comments would be appreciated.

2021- I am once again re-evaluating my thoughts on submissiveness.

KittenBlu: Topic 1 ~ Submission: what is it?

Submissive: one who yields to the will or authority of another person.
Slave: one who is the legal property of another and is forced to obey them.

So simple and yet so hard.

Submissives and slaves are often perceived as weak and helpless. And yet, very often, they are very strong willed people in there own right. To yield. To bow. To obey. To give yourself over to another.

One has to be strong of will to submit. One often has to fight within themselves to not say, wait a minute or i don't feel like giving in to You today.

Submission is answering the phone at 3 am when one has only been asleep for a few hours.It is obeying His commands when all one wants to do is work on one's own projects.

Submission is sticking by one's promise to allow His control over body, mind, and soul.

Even when it is not convenient. .

2021- Still believe I have it right but want to add, submission is a state of being. To submit to someone can be a state of bliss, a belonging.

aphrodites_saphy:
First off... It's so good to see you back kitten!!! you've been much missed

I completely agree with your interpretation and definitions of submissive and slave characteristics and expectations of such...

......but....it has to be said, from my personal standing...

This girl has evolved within her growth to become the epitomy of a submissive and is venturing down a path where she has and is becoming a slave girl TO her submission.

This means that although slave I am not 'forced' to obey a Master...I do so willingly....
It also means that I have a voice, I have opinions that are heard and acknowledged and I still have limits and safe words as such.

It allows me to find solace in my servitude and as slave I find that release that I seek.

There are alot of different dynamics held within the lifestyle but most importantly, the dynamics of any BDSM relationship is where comfort resides for those within such.

The way I personally acknowledge status with the lifestyles...

submissive...one who willingly gives themselves to an alpha partner, who directs control and nurturement to enable the growth of the one under that control.
A submissive MAY typically have restrictions and limits alongside allowances of timescales where they shall be submissive, but also require to have 'vanilla aspects' where they can be themselves with said alpha....

BDSM slave.....one who willingly gives themselves as a whole to the alpha partner they submit to...without restriction and without timescale but who still has the ability to voice their opinions and limits and has an expectation for them to be acknowledged as such.

Gorean Kajira slave.....one who serves and is owned property at the disposal of a Master. This girl has no restrictions or timescales and serves with her Masters best intentions at the forefront of her mind. She cannot have limits or opinions and she obeys every command given to her. This is non negotiable.

T.P.E. BDSM M/s relationship....one who gives all she is in every respect 24/7 to the Master who owns such. This submissive has no control over any part of her existence with the inclusion of dressing, monies, her welfare and health...every part of her is controlled and she finds comfort in such.

These are only my brief understandings of some relationships within the lifestyles and I may well be wrong and will appreciatively accept any criticism in regards of such...they are not conclusive definitions and infact entail alot more aspects but I acknowledge these as the basics that I'm aware of.

Looking forward to reading further posts as you venture on this path once again kitten...your growth is and will be exceptional to read and reflect on.
Thankyou for taking the time to share with us once more. Its highly respected.

little lady bug: so glAD to see you back! i knew wire was missing some thing it was you <3

master1500: welcome back kitten.
to read your journal will be interestin for M/many
goodluck for it.
Only comment is that you seems to put obedience and submission in a sort of "sad light" ... It seems than it is more about duty than growing.
But maybe i misunderstood

KittenBlu: I only meant for this initial posting to give clarity of the difference between submissive and slave; which some use interchangeably, Sir. And saphy, i do realize there are many, many other definitions of submission/slavery, once again i was shooting for clarity, maybe too simplistically. Thank you bug ~hugs~.

Let me explore just a bit more. Move beyond the clinical.

Submission is feeding a need in both participants, to obey and to be Obeyed. MyLord has been teaching me a new creed which may help me explain myself.

He is Master... i am slave.
He is Owner... i am owned.
He commands... i obey.
He is to be pleased... i am to please.
Why is this? ... because He is Master... i am slave.
I live for my Master... His word is gospel... i am for His pleasures.
i am slave... i am but to obey.

When i began to learn and memorize this yesterday, it brought such joy to this old heart. That, i am for Him. That, i must not only submit to Him, but to slave for Him. To give up complete control to Him at all times. And yet, i am not isolated by this total control, but allowed to have friends and come to other websites, etc as long as i am true to Him.

Submission to my slavery is as glorious as the newly risen sun on a crisp fall morning with a steaming cup of coffee in my hand. It is being able to serve someone to the best of my abilities and to the depth of my soul. It is accepting the challenges to my heart, will and mind and being able to come out the other side with success. It is accepting my failures and knowing, no feeling. that i am not less worthy because of them. It is learning that i am but a small, insignificant part of a whole, but an important one. It is wanting to please and knowing that i do.

ich liebe mein Meister. Lord Tarjas
ich meinen Meister Lord Tarjas
ich gehoere mein Meister Lord Tarjas

i love my Master Lord Tarjas
i believe in my Master Lord Tarjas
i belong to my Master Lord Tarjas

These words bring an overwhelming joy to my life. So yes, my slavery is a duty, sometimes a hard one. You who know me know that i have an opinion or 2. ~giggles~ And sometimes it brings sadness and hardship to keep that to myself. But i know, that at the appropriate time, He will listen to what i have to say. But i have to have the patience to wait for that time.

Submission is a freeing of my being on soaring wings and giving it a safe landing spot in firm, loving hands. ~blushes~

2021- I read these words and those of Master1500. I am devoted to Master Lord Tarjas to this day. But there is a sadness as I realize that when you serve and obey it fills a need. But when it becomes ...expected and executed well, often a subs' needs are not thought of... not met... my needs are not met.

Do you continue to serve the one you love and are devoted to... or move on breaking your heart?

KittenBlu: Topic 2
Dominants should be capitalized and submissives with lowercase. Why?

In the early days of submission, this is a very easy way to show respect to the Dominant and "place" to the submissive/slave. But as we all know, being respectful is much more esoteric than mere capital and lower case letters.

Both Dominant and submissive/slave need to be respected, however, the respect for each is on an entirely different level. And many Doms/subs/slaves have their own preference on how to be addressed and how to address others.

But let's be realistic... online it is very difficult to show a level of deference to One who is a higher level of our own self. So to use capital letters to show deference is a simple way to address someone.

2021- Nothing to add.

KittenBlu: Topic 3 - Safewords/ Limits

Safe words are more for real life than online. It is easy enough to stop the scene online, not as easy in real life. However, safe words do serve a purpose online. They give the partners a chance to stop and talk about things that make O/one uncomfortable. It applies to being mentally safe. Sometimes in acting out a scene, it moves in a direction that one begins to feel uncomfortable. For instance, play may move in the direction of being sexual in a public room. For some, even online, this is a limit they will not cross or have not thought about. If that has not been discussed previous to the scene, one might invoke their safe word in order to stop and talk about it.

In the beginning, i used the safe word, daisy. In my journeys, i have come to prefer the stop light system. Red means "stop, i am not going there." Yellow means, "stop, i am uncomfortable, but am willing to discuss the possibility." Green means, "everything is ok." This better communicates to your partner how you are feeling at the moment.

My limits: not bathroom functions, no minors (this does not include an adult acting as a baby girl/boy), no animals, nothing that would bring harm to others, nothing illegal. Others may come into play... i may not have come across a limit up to this time.

2021- Nothing new to add.

KittenBlu: Topic 4 - Obedience

This is probably the hardest of all the tenets for me to follow.

To submit my will to Him, without question, discussion or thought of self. To allow Him to use me as He sees fit. To follow down a path that i cannot see the end of at that time and to trust He will take care of me and bring me to no harm.

One of my greatest impulses is to protect. One of my duties is to guard the Lady Anna from all harm, unless He is there. i tend to act quickly when threats are perceived and don't give myLord time to do the protecting. When He gives the command to step back and stand down, it pains me to stop. i struggle with holding back, to giving over control to Him. And yet, i am learning to do just that. To put my trust in Him and His abilities.

Obedience is giving all control over self to Him and using my self-control to follow not lead.

2021- I am with the same poly group, Lord Tarjas, His Lady, Anna (also my online sister), 1st slave gina, myself (2nd slave), and 3rd slave alea. He had added 4th slave nattie and Lady Kay, friend and family member.

I have become lost in my obedience.

Lady Anna has become delicate both physically and emotionally, needing Him more. gina has been with Him a long time and struggles with English, He works with her to bring her out into the group. alea is the disobedient one and needs lots of work. nattie is the new toy and does well with her obedience and devotion. Lady Kay forces the group to pay her attention.

I am lost.

KittenBlu: Topic 5 - Communication

We all talk ... a lot! But do we really communicate?

A big part of communication is ... not talking... but listening! Hearing what is said, analyzing it, then saying what we understand is said. When He says kneel before Me, i have to listen to the "tone" of His words. Have i misbehaved (probably, lol) or had i pleased Him. When He gives me rules to follow, is it because He wants to Dominate me... or take care of me? When something bothers me, i need to tell Him what is going on with me. Not assume that He will understand why i can't/won't do something He tells me to. If i need something from Him, i must tell Him. Especially with being online, He is unable to read my body language (although He is very good at reading between the lines). With myLord, i not only spend time with Him in His rooms at IMVU, but also communicate with Him daily through BlackBerry Messenger. We not only talk about our relationship and those needs, but also about our daily lives. It makes for a richer relationship and a better understanding of each other and each others needs. Sometimes, He needs someone to listen to Him, other times He needs to command. I have to listen to know what He needs at any given time. I am also responsible to communicate my needs to Him. And... this is probably the most important... i have to communicate honestly about those needs. And not hide things from Him (although He can generally know when something is not right with me).

Many people listen to the words. Many people do not "hear" the words. Listening is a physical action. Hearing is a thinking action. So my duty to Him is to not only listen but to hear. It is also my duty to Him to not just speak to Him but to communicate, honestly and openly, so He can take care of me as needed. Just as i need to hear what He needs and give it to Him properly.

2021- I have failed in communication. I talk and participate. But I am neither open or honest about my needs with Him. F---

aphrodites_saphy: Completely agree hun!!!!
Communication is fundamental in every respect...but even more so in the world of M/s where we give ourselves in our entirety to our Master.
That also means feelings and thoughts, not just of our form.
Finding this level of attatchment to you Dominant is key to everything!!! Even the small things.

Thankyou huni....for continuing your writings here.
Its good to see you back! *smiles softly*

KittenBlu: Topic 6 - Trust

Such a small word for such a big big emotion/feeling/concept.
How do i know that He will look out for me when He wants His needs met?
How do i know that if i give myself entirely to Him, He won't leave me at the side of the road when someone more ...(obedient, pretty, young....) comes along?
How do i know that i won't be hurt again... emotionally, physically, psychologically?
The answer is... i don't know... i have to have faith in myLordTarjas.

Take one day at a time
Realize that He cares for me and wants the best for me and from me
Us... together...
Staying constant and loyal
Telling Him what goes on with me even when i have disobeyed and knowing that He will not
get rid of me for failing

Trust is giving yourself to Him without reservation or hesitation
Trust is feeling safe with HIm
Trust is... wonderful

fear and jealousy can get in the way of trust... i fight the fear often
but i fight it without fail... because i do trust Him and allow that He is human and makes mistakes as do i

2021- I do have trust, but also fear. Will He hear me? What will be the outcome? Will I lose my "family"?

KittenBlu: Topic 7 - Honesty

Seems I quit when last writing in the Academy 5 years ago. So here goes....

Honesty is important in any relationship, partners, Dom/sub, or poly group.

Without honesty communication, commitment... really all tenets fall apart.

O/one must be honest, not only with your Dom/Master/Mistress but yourself. Honest about not only actions but feelings.

2021- I have lost the ability to be honest about my feelings with myLord Tarjas. I have had conversations with others about my feelings but not with Him.

I am realizing that Fear should be another Topic to address when evaluating submission, both physical and emotional.

KittenBlu: Topic 8 - Respect

Respect is generally treating others as you wish to be treated. In a Dom/sub relationship and community, respect is afforded to all Dom until they prove unworthy.

Even if you don't respect any given Dom, a deference should be deployed so that your behavior does not reflect on your Dom. Otherwise, people will perceive that your Dom has no control over you therefore is not a true Dom.

2021- At times, this is difficult for me in my relationship with Miss Kay. My only concession is that when i confronted her about an issue, i did so in private, but have not yet told Master I had done so.

KittenBlu: Topic 9 - Commitment

Cleaving to O/one to meet the needs of both to the exclusion of others. In a poly group, this looks like serving Him/Her while setting aside jealousy and spite to meet His/Her need to have others in the group. Committing to the place He/She has "assigned" to you.

2021- Nothing to add.

KittenBlu: Summary
What have you gained from this experience?

2021- I had not realized how far I have strayed from some of the tenets I have learned in the past. I now know that I need to recommit to Him and bring honesty and communication back to my commitment.

I need to kneel deeper or stand up.