Dark Jokes (Page 2) ~LoisLane~: A Catholic couple is about to get married, and the woman sits the man down for a heart-to-heart the day before the wedding. She says, "Honey, before we do this, I have something I need to get off my chest. You see, a few years back, my family was very poor, and for a while I had to work as a prostitute." The man leaps out of his chair and shouts, "Oh no, absolutely not! I can't get married to you!" The woman starts crying, and begs him to forgive her, "Please don't leave me - surely you can live with a woman who used to be a bit slutty..." The man sits down and says, "Oh, that's fine. For a minute I thought you said Protestant." ~LoisLane~: A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that." lols (Post deleted by harlett ) harlett: Q: What would Elvis be doing if he was alive right now? A: Clawing at the inside of his coffin! (Post deleted by harlett ) FUNky_Disco_Pants: wife: You never take me anywhere expensive anymore husband: Right! Ok get your coat on wife: why where you taking me husbad: the petrol station  harlett: golly you don't think i have these stored in my memory do ya... eeeuuu... i'm getting good at googling...LOL... ~LoisLane~: Man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." Wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep. ~LoisLane~: I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger. lols FUNky_Disco_Pants: HUSBAND: Why dont you tell me when your gonna orgasm?? WIFE: You told me not to ring you at work!! ~LoisLane~: What does two rice grains in the sink mean? A somalian has been up all night vomiting. Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in. ~LoisLane~: A Romanian, a Jew and a Somali under a tree. A caterpillar gets on the Romanian's shoulder. The Romanian throws the caterpillar at the Jew, the Jew throws the caterpillar at the Somali, the Somali picks up the caterpillar and eats it. Another caterpillar gets on the Romanian, the Romanian throws it at the Jew, the Jew picks it up and ask the Somali: "Do you want to buy a caterpillar?" ~LoisLane~: Langon is hired to play his trumpet on the score of a movie, and he's excited. He's especially thrilled because he gets to take two long solos. After the sessions, which go great, Langon can't wait to see the finished product. He asks the producer where and when he can catch the film. A little embarrassed, the producer explains that the music is for a porno flick that will be out in a month, and he tells Langon where he can go to see it. A month later, Langon puts his collar up, puts on dark glasses, and he goes to the theater where the picture is playing. He walks in and sits way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seems to be disguised and hiding. The movie starts, and it's the filthiest, most perverted porno flick ever. Group sex, S&M, golden showers... and then, halfway through, a dog gets in on the action. Before anyone can blink an eye, the dog has done all the women in ever orifice, and most of the men. Langon is incredibly embarrassed, and he turns to the old couple and whispers, "I'm only here for the music." The woman turns to Langon and whispers back, "I understand, we're here to see our dog." ~LoisLane~: I came out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power. ~LoisLane~: Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that! FUNky_Disco_Pants: i went to the chippy i asked for a portion of chips n the woman asked me if i wanted a cone or a tray...... So i asked "wots tthe difference" ...sshe replied "ones 65 the others 98" ....i said" hey if you re gonna count them ill just have a pasty!" ~LoisLane~: An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.A man asks What is wrong?? The boy says Me ma is dead. Oh bejaysus the man says Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you? The boy replies No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment. ~LoisLane~: Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away..But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best! ~LoisLane~: What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Corvette? I don't have a Corvette in my garage. ~LoisLane~: Newt Gingrich still feels he has a shot in this election. He figures he should not only be a favorite with fat Americans, but also of divorced Americans, which between the two has to cover about 90% of the population. |
