Dark Jokes (Page 3) ~LoisLane~: A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if grandma looked the same as they did between her legs. Grandpa said, "No sonny, when she was young it looked like a peach with fuzz on it and now it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through."  Wild__: A little boy is in the bath tub. He grabs his penis and say "Mom, is this my brain?" She says "No, not yet!" Wild__: What do hurricanes and women have in common? When they come they are wet n wild, but when they leave, they take your house n car with 'em. Wild__: A husband and wife were discussing ways to save money. Husband says "Learn to do the dishes so we can fire the maid." Wife replies "learn to eat p@ssy so we can fire the gardener!" Wild__: The tooth brush was apparently invented by a meth addict lest it would have been called a TEETH brush. The United States Postal Service has made a new stamp in the shape of a clitoris, but its not selling very well as most men just dont know what to do with it. Wild__: A gynocologist tells a woman she cant have sex for three weeks. Her husband asks, "Well, what did your dentist say?" What did the banana say to the vibrator? "Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!" How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex? One of his fingers is clean. Wild__: A man asks his wife if he can cum in her ear. She says "No, I could go deaf!" The hubby replies "That's not true, I cum in your mouth all the time and you never shut the f@ck up." Wild__: In a recent interview, O J Simpson was asked if he'd ever get married again. He said he'd take a stab at it. ~LoisLane~: I was in a pub last night and saw two rather large girls by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said "Hello, are you two girls from Scotland ?". One of them screamed "It's WALES you f**king idiot !" So I immediately apologized and said "Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?" Wild__: Why was the Irish man on top of the pub? The waitress told him the drinks were on the house. ~LoisLane~: A family is on vacation at the Grand Canyon when the husband and wife start arguing, grab each other, and plummet off the edge of a cliff. Terrified and alone, their only child sits down at a picnic table and begins to weep. Eventually a passing sheriff spots him and pulls over to ask what's wrong. The little boy says, "Mommy and daddy started fighting. Mommy pushed daddy, then daddy pushed mommy, then they both fell off the cliff." The sheriff unzips his trousers and says, "It just isn't your day, is it son?" Wild__: EWWWW..... that just plain wrong. And so is this... 3 men and a woman are stranded on a small island. After day1, the woman is so ashamed of what she's been doing, she kills herself. After day 2, the 3 men are so ashamed of what they've been doing, they bury her. After day 3, the 3 men are so ashamed of what they've been doing, they dig her back up! ~LoisLane~: Oh ya thats gross lols....(mine was terrible ) The infamous pirate Captain Jim has just taken on some new recruits. That night the ship sits down to a rowdy dinner and the new recruits gather around Captain Jim to hear some of his tall tales. 'Captain Jim, how did you get that peg leg?' 'Yarr, I was fightin cutlass to cutlass with Bluebeard hisself in the blackest midnight these seas have ever held. Suddenly I saw me opening and grabbed Bluebeard, and we both fell into the drink. As soon as we hit water a shark grabbed onto me leg and wouldn't let go; I had to kill the beast before I could swim over and cut Bluebeard's throat. I climbed back on the ship triumphant, but had lost a leg to the shark, leaving me with this peg leg.' 'Captain Jim, that's amazing! Can you tell us how you got that hook?' 'Yarr, we was raidin a settlement in the New World with nary a star to see by. When a bolt of lightnin lit the sky I found myself facing thirty men with pistols drawn. As soon as the dark returned I drew me sword and killed them all, save one, who, in the dark, cut off me hand and threw it to Davy Jones. I run him through and the settlement's booty was ours, but I'd lost a hand, and was left with the hook.' 'That's amazing, Captain Jim! Can you tell us how you got the eye patch?' 'A bird pooped in it.' '... You lost your eye because a bird pooped in it, Captain Jim?' 'It was me first day with the hook.' ~LoisLane~: Chris Rock Quote..... You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more? Wild__: During sex education a teacher is explaining male anatomy. Teacher: Every man has one penis and two testicles. Boy: My dad has two penises. Teacher: No! Every man has one penis and two testicles! Boy: Nope, my dad has a small penis he uses for going pee, and a great big one he uses for brushing mommy's teeth! |