Dark Jokes (Page 32) LoisS: The Fishing Trip A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey, I have been asked to fly to Canada with my boss and several of his friends for fishing. We'll be gone for a long weekend. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a 3 day weekend. And also would you get out my rod and tackle box from the attic? We're leaving at 4:30 PM from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up." 'And please pack my new navy blue silk pajamas.' The wife thinks this sounds a bit odd but being the good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked. Following the long weekend, he came home a little tired, but, otherwise, looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, 'Yes! Lots of Walleyes, some Bass. He said, 'But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?' The wife replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box." LoisS: CONFESSIONAL BOX An Irish guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies: "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side". LoisS: The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk. LoisS: * Take my Wife...Please... After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it ! Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing. That'll keep her busy! My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm! Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible whining noise! My wife apologized for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry she ever married me! My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason! Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 per cent. It's called a wedding cake! Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her makeup! My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface! LoisS: Marriage: *I was married for 16 years. I was married for 16 years. Yes. That was a long run. Hamilton won’t last for 16 years. I was married for 16 years in the era of the cell phone, which means my 16 years is actually longer than my parents’ 40. In 16 years, I had more contact with my ex-wife than my parents had in 40 years. Okay? My father used to leave for work at 6:30 in the morning and come home at 8:30 at night. And during the day, he and my mother had absolutely no contact at all. None, okay? That’s what a relationship used to be. The kids could have been dead, but he wouldn’t have found out until he got home. “The kids are dead.” “What time did they die?” “Eight hours ago.” “Damn, I missed it.” And you know what else? They actually missed each other. They actually missed each other. You can’t miss nobody in 2018. Not really. You can say it, but you don’t really miss the motherfucker, because you’re with them all the time. They in your fuckin’ pocket. As soon as you leave, you get a fuckin’ text. You get a ping. You get a beep. You get a fuckin’ Facebook. You get an Instagram. You get a fuckin’ FaceTime. And then your woman says, “You act like you don’t wanna talk.” What the fuck are you talkin’ about? I know everything you did today and I know how other people felt about it. I gave you five likes, bitch. I gave you three smiley faces and an eggplant.* LoisS: ' The number one reason people hate America, the number one reason is because of our religion. Americans worship money, we worship money. Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government but on your money it says in God we trust. All my life I've been looking for God and He's right in my pocket. Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM, everywhere you look there's a new branch popping up... remind you about how much money you got and how much money you don't got. And if you got less than twenty dollars the machine won't even talk to you. The machine is like you better go see a teller. You ever go to a teller and try to take out eight dollars and fifty cents? Oh it's disgusting... oh man you gotta wait on that long ass line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get on to the fucking front you fill out your form eight fifty. The fucking teller looks at it she look at you she looks at the check she don't even take the money out of the drawer she take it out of her pocket, "here you go get out of here." And here's something man drugs are illegal but ATM machines are open twenty four hours a day. Twenty four hours a day. For who? Who the fuck is it open for? Have you ever taken out three hundred dollars at four o'clock in the morning for something positive. Shit when you press that machine at four o'clock in the morning I think a psychiatrist should pop up on the screen an go "c'mon man, save your money man. Don't buy drugs buy some rims. They spinning N they spinning. Americans worship money. Shit you know why banks are closed on Sunday? Cos if they wasn't, church would be empty......' (Edited by LoisS) LoisS: You know how Mexican restaurants always have “border” in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn’t do that to black people: Kunta’s Kitchen or Shackles. They don’t do it to white people. You don’t see the Honky Grill, the Cracker Barrel…. oh, nevermind...  Wild__: A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100." An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth." Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene." Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20." The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money. Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything." Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth." Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste." Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20." The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100. Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all." Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100." Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!" Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20" LoisS: Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?" LoisS: Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous. Her mother reassured her; 'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you. Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.' So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.' 'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'* So, up she went again.. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!' 'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you..' So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes.* *When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!' Her Mama said, "Stay here and stir the pasta." LoisS: Today's wee giggle. A woman visits a plastic surgeon to see if he can reduce the size of her vaginal lips because she says she’s always been embarrassed by their size. He says he can perform a common procedure called a Labiaplasty. Out of embarrassment she insists that the surgery be kept a secret - and of course the surgeon agrees to keep her privacy strictly confidential. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, the woman finds 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon calmly reassures her that he had carried out her wish for confidentiality. He explains that the first rose was from him because, "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse", he says. "She assisted me in the surgery and empathized with you because she had the same procedure done a few years ago, and knew what you were going through." "And what about the third rose?", asked the woman. "That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears." LoisS: A Canadian Army C.O. was about to start the morning briefing to all the staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the C.O. decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"? A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'. A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%. A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure, Sir." The C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier"? "Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them, Sir" The room fell silent......God Bless Newfies LoisS: What do all the other reindeer do when Santa takes the usual ones to guide his sleigh? They go into town and blow more than a few bucks. LoisS: Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. "In honor of this holy season," he said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "This represents a candle," he said. "Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pockets and pulled out a set of keys. They jingled as he shook them and he said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may also enter heaven." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Saint Peter looked at the man, puzzled. "And just what do those symbolize?" he asked with a raised eyebrow. The man replied, "These are Carol's." LoisS: Was just in Tesco and grabbed the last two loaves of bread. The old woman behind me saw there was none left and had a sad look on her face. She seemed weak and feeble so I went over to her trolley and took her milk and eggs. Sorry Maureen but this is survival of the fittest! LoisS: Words of Wisdom from the Bottom of the Glass.... One bright day in the middle of the night Two dead boys began to fight Back to back they faced each other Drew their swords and shot each other A deaf policeman heard the noise Came and killed the two dead boys And if you dont believe this lie is true Just ask the blind man because he saw it too! LoisS: Elephant sees a camel and asks "why do you have two boobs on your back?" Camel replies "why do you have a dick on your face?" LoisS: After 25 years of marriage I took a look at my wife one day and said, Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10" black n white TV. But I got to sleep with a hot 25 yr old brunette every night. Now, we have a nice house, a car, a big bed and a big screen plasma TV, But I am sleeping with a 50 yr old woman. It seems to me youre not holding up your side of things. My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25yr old brunette. And she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. LoisS: A very large woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walked into a bar. She raised her right arm revealing a hairy arm pit as she pointed to the people in the bar and asked."what man here will buy a lady a drink?" The bar went silent and the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar an ali eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and yelled "give the ballerina a drink". The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons again and pointed at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked. "what man here will buy a lady a drink" . Again, the little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said " give the ballerina another drink" The bartender approached the little drunk and said " Old chap, its your business if you want to buy her a drink but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" ..... The drunk replied "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina". (Edited by LoisS) |
Good ones! 
