my aunt emailed me that she doesn't feel comfortable that such a young
tina_time7: person knows so much about her life. Mind you I don't even remember what she was referring to and it wasn't even a huge secret - otherwise she wouldn't have shared it with my mom who shared it with me. Also, I feel like she maybe does not respect me as a 34 year old woman. She says I am very young like as if I was 10 years old. I also don't really trust her when she is so closed off from me. Also, now she is not comfortable but when she needed help she was fine to write my mother (a) letter/s from overseas about her marriage. Oh how the wind blows, oh how the seas roll - are you fair aunty? are you fair?
P.s-I was extremely open with her, and she even told me she is happy I am open with her. She was kind of open with me too but not as deeply or deep stuff. Then she stopped sharing anything whatsoever because she stopped trusting me. At the point she emailed me I should not be interested in other people's lives. Is this not odd considering all throughout my life she would ask me about my life and other peoples we mutually knew. Maybe she all of a sudden switched, but I don't think so. And I only asked her one question about cooking that she got so defensive about. I agree it is not good to shove one's nose into other people's lives and that to each their own, yet to take no interest whatsoever? I also emailed her that she is not an island. She gave no commentaries whatsoever to my remarks. Anyways, this whole ordeal with her just leaves me sad and sick. I seem to really value good wholesome relations so this is just a stab to the heart, a kick to the face.
solittle: Most people, as they get older, become more of what they have been all along. Especially when there are some qualities in them that are not so great. Those qualities usually get more noticeable the older they get. Part of that I think is that they start losing the energy that was required for them to try to keep their worse qualities undercover for so many decades.
Dealing with certain people after they reach age 70 can become more difficult. That's not a very optimistic statement, but it's likely she will become more of what she has always been, or it becomes more obvious.
Sounds like she's starting to reveal a certain amount of hypocrisy or contradiction between how she tells you to act and how she acts herself. But if you remain aware of how she is, at least she'll be less likely to take you by surprise in moments when she starts turning nasty. Meanwhile, you can only try to encourage her good qualities in any way you can.
tina_time7: ok - maybe if I am aware of it it will not surprise me and hurt less. I think I suck at encouraging anyone's good qualities - apart from just being accepting of people. She has a daughter in law - that can do no wrong because she is not dramatic and hurtful like I was. I did thank her for all her good qualities by naming them all one day and I asked - is this what you want to hear? But I did not hear back. Mind you, this is all through emails-that I'm naming. Her bad qualities used to show even back in 2008-right after my mother died. I was somehow more quiet back then and didn't react-maybe since it was in person. I thought of going into it more but I actually do not really know what is inside her heart and what she really is overall. I do notice that she shows the bad qualities when she seems to feel attacked or bullied, hated, or unliked - she even used some of these words.
tina_time7: Also, yes I even told her I see the hypocrisy in her statements to me but she stayed silent about that.
solittle: She doesn't want to be exposed. She will always be defensive if you confront her. Pointing out her hypocrisy won't get her to acknowledge it. Most likely the result will only be her lashing back at you in some way.
When your mother died, your aunt suddenly felt less need to keep up appearances for your mother. So that's naturally when her bad qualities start to show more plainly.
And when she e-mailed you that she didn't feel comfortable having "such a young person" knowing so much about her life, I think your age was just an excuse. What she really meant was probably that she wasn't comfortable having you see through her. You're starting to catch on to how she really is, and that makes her uncomfortable. It's fine with her to know everything about you, but not the other way around.
So she uses your age as the excuse for clamming up with you, becoming more "closed off" toward you.
(Edited by solittle)
tina_time7: Well, my aunty used to pull my mothers hair when they were young - not sure how young. I confronted my aunt and she was offended I was mentioning that "from so long ago". OK, I can understand that was from way back when. When my mom was alive my aunt did seem never mean to me compared to afterwards. However, when my mom was alive there was a time she said something to my mom - she said "I don't need to have you stay at my home" and my mom said "come on, lets go, she doesn't want us" at which point she said - no no no, stay and let me stay over but my mom went somewhere else-she was going anyways I think but just wanted me to stay with my cousins. Recently she emailed me that she will not be answering any of my questions because I will just understand things in a different way and start name calling her. I don't think that is totally fair - I may have misunderstood one thing or two but other things she said to me which offended and or hurt me speak for themselves. I told her - go ahead and name every single thing and show me how I misunderstood. Mind you she vanished for one year and 4 months - roughly before I heard this from her. In the last email before this she said - you said some not kind things about me, explain yourself if you want me to speak to you farther, I would jog my mind and throughout time I would explain myself but having to also guess since she didn't pinpoint what it was. I told her I need to guess since you didn't mention what it was exactly. This time she is also telling me I did things without mentioning which, which just started giving me anxiety. I also fell into a trauma, and got sick shortly after. I told her that if she keeps saying things without explaining I might lose my patience and that in my heart I feel I want to sue her. (Of course she won't like this since in the past she mentioned she stopped writing me since I started mentioning the cops and the court but I thought it was important to be honest about how I feel as a way to express my boundaries in the moment. However, it is probably just going to have her ignore me again so not really beneficial in that way.) I saw someone wrote about "have faith in harmonious relationships" but it seems many times that is just a hopeless thought.
tina_time7: actually, at one point my aunt told my grandma - slap her. She said it right in front of me, my. grandma, and my mother. My grandma did slap me on the face and I felt shunned and hurt. I went to be alone after that. So it wasn't just after my mom died. But I think that was the only time that time.
tina_time7: Yes, well if you read my other post, I know she does not trust me anymore. I don't see age as a factor logically personally except in the way that I think naturally we are more comfortable - at least in some sense- with people more closer to our own age rather than farther. She told me at one point, "no one is perfect" though so I think in a way she was admitting to her own imperfections. And even accepting her own imperfections. But maybe when it comes to me she doesn't want me to see them. But I don't see why she would not want that if she was fine with having my mother see them. I guess because she needed my mothers help so she was open out of desperation. This crossed my mind too. The thing that just affects our relationship is that she completely shut down though and there is no us where there is no trust. She seems to be fine with just having a one sided relationship though because she doesn't seem to understand how it feels to be in my shoes, one day she might realize though but that time it could very well be too late. I mean the only thing she emailed me recently was "tell me where I said that" - pertaining to one of my emails. I answered her politely but started getting scared of her and her coming back one sidedly after one year and 4 months. I told her "I told you you have a perfect family so go live with them". She either forgot or does not respect boundaries. "Why did you return after all this time and only to keep criticizing me".
tina_time7: But pertaining to this example, yes I think you are right - seeing through her. Except the topic in question was from many years ago - when I was just a child and me and my mother were living in Toronto but she was back in Europe - writing my mom about her marriage problems - which I do not know and probably for good reason or else my aunt would get even more offended-which she seems. My mother was very open with me I suppose compared to my aunt and even though I was much younger than my mother - we were all the family we had in this country so I don't think it's illogical - also I think my aunt doesn't respect my mothers way of relating to me and sharing. I don't fully totally safe posting on here though as I have been bullied - not in my forums yet but in other spaces. Name called "retard" multiple times by one person just recently. It gets pretty traumatizing for me. I think in the same way my aunt also sees me as just a computer screen - you dehumanize someone and put up walls that I think you would less likely put up if you had an in person relationship.
tina_time7: though, i am not sure if that was the topic in question but thats the only one that comes to mind. Or maybe something else related.
tina_time7: One last thing, my aunt actually told me "you are my niece, your mother was my sister, I will always love you and care for you" - oddly enough there is a verse like that in the bible too - relating to God saying he will care for someone because their father loved him - I think it were. Anyways and I do think she cared about me but her love did not stand the test of time-not pointing a finger at her though since I understand persevering is very hard and even I couldn't do it myself with the one I loved with all my heart and all my life and wanted us to make a life.
tina_time7: There is this guy online who keeps calling me a retard because I said or rather asked if I need to get a restraining order against him, if he is violent. I was emotional and got scared and perhaps overreact but not really - since someone who writes "YOU ARE ANNOYING, GO AWAY TINA" online could also want you to go away in person if they saw you. He said he will stop acknowledging me, but keeps at it. I understand it can be easy to spew out thoughtless words though. I mean maybe in a way I was dumb to react that way. So today he came into a chat room calling me a retard again which makes it seem like he thinks all of me is a retard and that I would say is thoughtless. He also told me in the past he will see me in heaven, lol, that is kind of funny considering he doesn't even want to be friends/companions on earth. He did ask me if I date brown men though in the past too so it is all rather confusing together. Maybe he just didn't like rejection like my online friend China wrote.
tina_time7: Although I didn't reject him exactly, I just didn't answer. Later I did answer and it wasn't a yes or a no but leaning towards a no with him though. Anyways. Online can be dangerous and like honey to cyber bullying. People even took their own lives because of cyber bullying.
tina_time7: oh ya today he said I am a retard because "you wrote 50 blogs about people". I write about people when I feel inclined or tramatatized, yes, and I don't see that as retarded.I also think he exaggerated the number. I don't even think he read any of my blogs personally other than hearing about me writing about one or two people and himself under his very own posts bullying me.
tina_time7: He also told me it is partly my fault he went on to change his Wireclub name which I don't even understand.
tina_time7: I also do not really understand why she doesn't want to be exposed though - I think an honest person is OK with another pointing out their flaws. But I guess it is not my job to understand the workings of her mind and or soul.
tina_time7: Once she even wrote me "I try to do better after I did some thing wrong" after she wrote me something that hurt my feelings and was really quite thoughtless.
tina_time7: Anyways, I wrote this blog to be about me though. My side and or understanding of truth in all this. However, I understand what you have to offer may be some thing different though. But I think I already understood her side of the equation. I was just validating your thoughts or trying to.
solittle: I don't think you need to involve the police with this wireclub person.Just click "Block" on his profile. Then he can't message you, can't enter any chatroom you create, and what he writes in chatrooms you are in will not be visible to you, so he can't annoy you no matter how much he keeps trying.