Joke for the Day.

Serabi:

I really need a laugh today.

A man came home late at night after a party.
His wife yelled:
"how would you feel if you don't see me for two days?"
The man couldn’t believe his luck: 'that would be great'!
Monday passed and he didn’t see her......
Tuesday and Wednesday passed too.....
On Thursday his swelling became better and he could see her from the corner of one eye.

harlett:

Rebecca_76: Farmer: I've got 68 sheep in this field here....do you think you could round them up for me.
Farm boy: Yeah....70!

Hyenablood: love the joke serabi, lol !!!

Serabi:

There was a Minister whose wife was expecting a baby. The Minister went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Minister's family expanded, so would his pay check.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Minister's pay situation. You can imagine there was much yelling and bickering. Finally, the Minister got up and spoke to the crowd, "Having children is an act of God!"

In the back of the room, a little old man with a full beard stood up, and in his frail voice said... "Snow and Rain are also 'acts of God', but when we get too much, we wear rubbers!"

OCD_OCD: LMAO!

kritz0: One evening, afterattendingthe theater, twogentlemen were walking downthe avenue whenthey observeda rather well dressedand attractive younglady walkingahead of them. One of them turnedtothe other andremarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."

Muchto theirsurprise, the youngladyoverheardthe remark, turnedaround, andreplied, "I'll take youup onthat offer."

She hada neat appearance and a pleasant voice, soafterbiddinghis companiongoodnight, theman accompanied the young lady toherapartment.

The followingmorningthe manpresented her with$125.00as he preparedto leave. She demandedthe rest of the money, stating"If you don't give me the other$125.00, I'llsue youforit."

He laughed, saying, "I'dlike tosee you get it on these grounds."Withina few days, he was surprisedwhenhe received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant ina lawsuit. He hurriedtohis lawyerand explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against youon such grounds, but it will be interestingtosee how her case will be presented."

Afterthe usualpreliminaries, the lady's lawyeraddressed the court as follows:"Your honor, my client, thislady, is the owner of a piece of property, a gardenspot, surrounded by a profuse growthof shrubbery, whichpropertyshe agreed to rent tothe defendant for a specified lengthof time forthe sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, usedit extensively forthe purposes forwhichit was rented, but uponevacuatingthe premises, he paidonly $125.00, one-half of the amount agreedupon.The rent was not excessive, since it is restrictedproperty, and weask judgment be grantedagainst the defendant toassure payment of the balance."

The defendant's lawyerwas impressedand amusedby the way his opponent

hadpresentedthe case. His defense therefore was somewhat different from the wayheoriginally plannedto present it."Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, whichhe did rent such property for a time, anda degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction.However, myclient founda wellonthe propertyaroundwhich he placed his ownstones, sunka shaft, and erected a pump, alllabor performed personally by him.We claim these improvements tothe property were sufficient tooffset the unpaidamount, andthat the plaintiff was adequately compensatedforthe rentalof said property.We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."

The younglady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant didfind a well onher property. However, hadthe defendant not knownthat the well existed;he would neverhave rented the property. Also, upon evacuatingthe premises, the defendant removedthe stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pumpwithhim.In doingso, henot only dragged the equipment throughthe shrubbery, but left the hole much largerthan it was prior to his occupancy, makingthe property muchless desirable toothers. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."

Inthe Judge's decision, he provided fortwooptions: "Paythe $125.00 orhave the equipment detachedfrom its current locationand provide it tothe plaintiff fordamages."

The defendant immediatelywrote a check.

harlett:

Serabi: On their honeymoon night, the couple made love for the first time.

The next morning the husband asked his new bride, 'how was it for you?'
She answered " Well, I really didn't know your organ was so small" Whereupon he answered, "Well, I didn't know I was going to play in a Cathedral!!!"

OCD_OCD: Oh,

Serabi: The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly (my favorite)

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. (though this is good too)

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5) Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. (this also rocks)

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature: (This one, too, was our very favorite. As have others in life, seems that we've encountered an inordinate amount of these "types"!!) :~)

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

OCD_OCD: BWAHAAAAA! Those are awesome. I am going to ass ignoranus to my vobab.

kritz0: Was that on purpose....I feel as if it was not, was just coincidently funny.

OCD_OCD: that was a legitimate typo. I didn't realize it until now. I am duly chagrined.

Hyenablood: love # 16, Beelzebug, little prick !!!

Serabi: Quick Jokes - Some Gross!

Q. Did you hear about how quick the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...
12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?
A. Once were worriers.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What's a Lepers favorite sport?
A. Football.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden's idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who's a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They're both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

harlett: ............

Serabi: The top ten reasons why the television is better than the World Wide Web

10. It doesn't take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.
9. When was the last time you tuned in to "Melrose Place" and got a "Error 404" message?
8. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV--even on MTV.
7. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.
6. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.
5. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an "Under Construction" sign.
4. Seinfeld never slows down when a lot of people tune in.
3. You just can't find those cool Health Rider infomercials on the Web.
2. Set-top boxes don't beep and whine when you hook up to HBO.
1. You can't surf the Web from a couch with a beer in one hand and Doritos in the other.

Geoff: Was sat on the edge of the bed, pulling off my boxers.

The wife went mental at me, "Stop doing that to the dogs!"

Hyenablood: omg Geoff, your poor poor dogs !! lol !

Wild__: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

Why are you shaking? She's gonna eat me!

harlett: ............................

Geoff: I used to be really into sadism, bestiality, and necrophilia.

Then I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.

kritz0: Hahaha.

harlett:

Serabi: The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence'.