Joke for the Day. (Page 75) Mz Demeanor: A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!" Mz Demeanor: A Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus. 'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine I'm fine?' asked the solicitor. Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... ' 'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?' Angus said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... ' The solicitor interrupted again and said ,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. ' By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'. Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?' 'Now wot da fock would you say? Mz Demeanor: Have you heard about Paul McCartney being disqualified from the London Marathon? He was banned on the run.   The giant midget: Nah that's rubbish,no Scotch there , mostly Screech That's why it's called Newfieniese  LaffOrDie999: Hey, did you hear that Marry Poppins has given up oral sex? It's really sad; evidently, the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious  Billie Ingle: Police:Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbour Police: Where is your neighbor house Me: If i tell you, you won't believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house  Wild__: Heartbreaking 😰💔 | Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone. Mz Demeanor: A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. " Not yet, " said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little teed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. " How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? and why don't I have any milk in my cereal? " He asked. " Well, " his mother said, " I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk. " Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, " You gonna tell him or should I? " Wild__: For those of you setting up Christmas lights on your house and in your yard... can you please, PLEASE avoid using anything that has red or blue flashing lights! Every time I come around the corner I think its the police and I have a panic attack. I have to brake hard, throw my beer out the window, stash the weed, put my seat belt on, put the phone down, and push the gun up under the seat, all while trying to drive. (Edited by Wild__) Angry Beaver: "Jubilant Brexiteers are celebrating tonight after the exit poll showed that the Conservatives are set for a huge general election victory." Funny shit lol Lilith___: @Bazile Apparently we can't visit our relatives homes , but estate agents can buy and sell houses. So I have put my house on the market and my relatives are coming for a viewing . The first two are booked in at 12 O'clock tomorrow. Lilith___: @Canary42 The vicar of a Protestant parish and the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road were seen together erecting a sign which read: "THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE." As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures." From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash. Shaking his head, the priest said: "That's the third one this morning." "Indeed", the vicar agreed, then added: "Do you think maybe the sign should just say ...... "BRIDGE CLOSED"? Wild__: Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking. Arlene: What in the hell is that? Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Arlene: Where did you get it? Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy. The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers. 'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.' Lilith___: If a fart makes it through two layers of cloth, including denim jeans, how confident are you feeling in that face mask? | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
