Tell us a joke!

Big Bopper:

By popular demand, the joke room has been mirrored here:

DISCLAIMER: Jokes posted on this thread are not intended to discriminate, demean, belittle, antagonize, ridicule, make fun of, or cast aspersions upon real people of any race, creed, colour, gender, nationality, personal net worth, ethic origin, religious denomination, length of body parts or political affiliation. It's a joke thread for crying out loud!

Wedding day

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m supposed to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live? ”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes,” then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom’s hand and whispered: “She made me a better offer.”

Big Bopper:

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from the Gold Coast when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, 'Are you going to the Gold Coast?'

'Sure,' answered the blonde, 'do you need a lift?'

'Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the Gold Coast Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble..'

'I'd be happy to,' said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of the Gold Coast when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.

'What the heck are you doing here?' he demanded, 'I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.'

'Yes, I know you did,' said the blonde,' but we had money left over --- so now we're going to Sea World!'

WonderWoman1: Hahaha

Big Bopper:
The Big Game

It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth.

The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an
assistant downstairs to find out what was going on.
"Pardon me, sir," the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. "Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?"

"Yeah. It's my wife's seat."

"And why is it empty?"

"She died."

"Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. But couldn't you get a
friend to come to the game with you today?"

"Impossible," the man said. "They're all at her
funeral."

Big Bopper:

Interview with an OBGYN (pregnany and birth specialist):

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A: Nothing (if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him).

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

Big Bopper:

Mathematical formula for success:

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this: What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

What makes up 100% in life?

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K is 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E is 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E is 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T is 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G is 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard work and knowledge will get you close,
And, Attitude will get you there,

Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top!!!

Big Bopper:

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN

1. Compliment her.
2. Respect her.
3. Honour her.
4. Cuddle her.
5. Kiss her.
6. Caress her.
7. Love her.
8. Stroke her.
9. Tease her.
10. Comfort her.
11. Protect her.
12. Hug her.
13. Hold her.
14. Spend money on her.
15. Wine and dine her.
16. Listen to her.
17. Care for her.
18. Stand by her.
19. Support her.
20. Go to the ends of the Earth for her.





HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

1. Show up naked.
2. Bring food.

Big Bopper:

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the handle.

Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,
"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

Big Bopper:

Four strangers travelled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewellery. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. Next to the Sergeant Major sat a young sapper fresh out of the Factory.

As these four strangers travelled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.

In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"

The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"

The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.

The sapper, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a sapper can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"

Big Bopper:

1 What do you call a mischievious egg?
A practical yoker.
2 What did baby corn say to mummy corn?
Where's popcorn.
3 What part of the fish did Napoleon dislike?
The bony-part.
4 What did the fireman's wife get for Christmas?
A ladder in her stocking.
5 Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin.
6 Why is Turkey so popular at christmas?
Because it is a lot warmer over there.
7 How do you make a band stand?
Hide all the chairs.
8 Why should you be careful when washing trainers?
They might run.
9 Which country has the largest appetite?
Hungary.
10 What do good looking people have for breakfast?
Well, I had toast, orange juice and cereal.
11 What do spacemen play in their spare time.
Astronoughts and crosses.
12 What is a frog's favourite drink?
Croaka cola.
13 What do you call a man who comes through your letter box.
Bill.

Big Bopper:

A psychotherapist was having a roaring business since he started from scratch. So much so that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him & put it above his shop entrance.

But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he understood why !

The boy found the small wooden board he had used wasn't big enough, so he split the word into the 3 words :

Psycho
the
rapist

Big Bopper:

Collecting Snails For Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.

At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any escargot snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?"

He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said,

"Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

Big Bopper:
Once there was a farmer who had a three legged pig. A man from the city came to visit the farmer and saw this pig. "Farmer Ed," quoth he, "why has that pig only got three legs?"

Said the farmer, "That there is one special pig. Last year when the river was floodin' and I was drownin', that pig saved my life. That's one special pig."

"Yes, that is a special pig," the man agreed, "but why does it have only three legs?"

"Well", the farmer said, "That is a very special pig. When my house was on fire, and my wife and daughter were inside, that pig saved their life. That's a special pig."

"Yes," the man replied, "So why has it only got three legs?"

"Well," said the farmer, "a pig that special you just can't eat all at once."

Big Bopper: Two blondes living in Belfast were sitting on a park bench talking and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther
away..........Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says
"Helloooooooooo!!! Can you see Florida...?"

Big Bopper: A few witty quotes:

The difference between England and America is this; when we have a world series we ask other countries to participate. (John Cleese)

I wouldn't say our neighbourhood is rough but our newspaper runs a column on forthcoming deaths. (Bob Monkhouse)

This morning I woke up with Miss Givings.
(Ken Dodd)

If one hides one's talent under a bushel one must be careful to point out to everyone under which bushel it is hidden.
(Saki)

People say I wasted my money. I say 90 per cent went on women, fast cars and booze. The rest was wasted.
(George Best)

The only statistics you can trust are those you falsified yourself.
(Sir Winston Churchill)

English law prevents a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is a perfect example of totally unnecessary legislation.
(Clement Freud)

Big Bopper:

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancee and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE .... THEY WALK AMONG US and THEY VOTE!!!! and they REPRODUCE

Big Bopper:

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99" .

The old guy obeys and says "99".

The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99".

Again, the old guy says '99'.

The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your p-e-n-i-s [damn censorship) to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99".

The old guy begins:

"One...


two…


three…"

Big Bopper:

Golden Saloon

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"

Big Bopper:
WonderWoman1: Everybody get down!!


You have no right to remain silent; anything you can't say , can't be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to spank your attorney. If you cannot spank your attorney, one will be appointed for you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?

RIOT!!!!!

Big Bopper:
Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Cheltenham Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

WonderWoman1:

Big Bopper: A blonde pushes her BMW into a petrol station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She asks, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor".

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Big Bopper: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Trans-Canada, just outside of Ottawa. Nothing is moving east or west.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Israeli terrorists have kidnapped Canadian Prime Minister Harper and Finance Minister Joe Oliver. They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."

Wild__: What is the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?

I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

Philosofia: Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, but Chuck Norris was the first man to walk on the sun.

WonderWoman1: Hahaha