Tell us a joke! (Page 2)

Big Bopper
Big Bopper: THE SHOEBOX

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents.

'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

A Prayer

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death,
Because I don't have the freaking time to crochet.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99" .

The old guy obeys and says "99".

The doctor says, "Great, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99".

Again, the old guy says '99'.

The doctor said, “Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your p-e-n-i-s to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say 99".

The old guy begins:

"One...


two…


three…"
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: A man and a woman are sitting together at home.

"Jane, if I died, would you marry again?"
"Yes."
"And would you let him into my house?"
"Sure."
"Would he use my golf clubs?"
"Nope."
"Really? Why not?"
"Because he's left-handed."
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: Funeral suit

A bereaved woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband, Dick, to be buried in a dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"

"No", she insists, "it must be a blue suit."

She then gives him a blank check to buy one. When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit.

She tells the director, "That is absolutely perfect! I love it! How much did it cost?"

He says, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in about the same size as Dick, but wearing a blue suit. I asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit."

"She said that was fine with her...so I switched the heads."
(Edited by Big Bopper)
9 years ago Report
0
Philosofia
Philosofia: When people are in trouble, they call for Superman. When Superman is in trouble, he calls for Chuck Norris.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper:
A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she
cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper:
When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather...not screaming in panic like his passengers!
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: 6 days since my last joke! I need help here...

DISCLAIMER: Jokes posted on this thread are not intended to discriminate, demean, belittle, antagonize, ridicule, make fun of, or cast aspersions upon real people of any race, creed, colour, gender, nationality, personal net worth, ethic origin, religious denomination, length of body parts or political affiliation. It's a joke thread for crying out loud!

Three men sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

The third man said he had married an Irish girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper!
(Edited by Big Bopper)
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: A cabbie picks up a Nun......She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:'

#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: Florist Mistake

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed 'Deepest Sympathy'.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

"Oh, it's alright," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman myself and I understand how these things can happen."

"But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party."

"Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper.

"Congratulations on your new location!" was the reply.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: Jesus is watching you

One night a burglar is trying to break into a house. He's sneaking across the lawn when he hears a voice,

"Jesus is watching you!"

He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping across the lawn again.

"Jesus is watching you!"

He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage by the side of the house. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?"

The parrot answers, "Yes I did."

So the burglar asks, "What's your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence."

The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?"

The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper:
Jail Mail

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:

"Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

"Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back:

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: Is that what heaven is really like?

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."

Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."

"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.

"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"

"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."

"Well, then, where are you?"

"I'm a rabbit in Arizona."
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: Adults (35+) only

Mensa Invitational submissions:

Inoculatte: to take coffee intraveneously when you are running late.
Foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Glibido: all talk and no action.
Hipititis: terminal coolness.
Sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: A hitch- hiker was walking in the fog down the side of a road. He stopped and stuck out his thumb. Two cars went past him, then a car pulled up next to him so he got in. It then started moving off with out the engine revving up.

The hitch-hiker started to get worried as the car approached a corner but a pale hand came through the window and turned the wheel sending the car into a cafe car park.
The hiker ran into the cafe and started sobbing. As the customers tried to calm him down, two men came in. One pointed to the hitch hiker and said, " Look Tom, there's that prat what got in the car as we were pushing it."
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: I apologise to all the lawyers out there, but my friend sent me this joke and I had to share...

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him. One day God called to Satan to mock him,

"So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: What's the difference between a brothel and a sideshow at a fair?
Ones a cunning row of stunts.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: This is something found on wall of maintainence hanger: It's supposedly taken from actual forms filled in by airline pilots with any problems encountered during flights, with the details of remedial action taken by the engineers filled in afterwards. (P= Problem encountered, S= Action taken by engineers)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper:

1) "My wife speaks through her nose."
"Why?"
"She's worn her mouth out!"

2) "After our honeymoon I felt like a new man.
My wife said she felt like one too!"

3) My wife treats me like a pagan god. Every evening at teatime she gives me a burnt offering.

4) My wife is so frigid every time she opens her mouth a little light comes on!

5) I wouldn't say my husband is stupid - but when he went to the mind reader they gave him his money back.

6) My wife frequently goes for a tramp in the woods. Fortunately for him he manages to get away!

7) My wife has a good sense of rumour.
(Edited by Big Bopper)
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: The Pope, Prime Minister Harper and a boy scout were flying on a shuttle flight going on an exciting holiday, when the pilot suddenly rushed past them, exclaiming, "We're gonna crash, save yourselves! Good luck, there's only two 'chutes left!", grabs a parachute and jumps out.

Harper jumps up and shouts, "I'm the brains of Canada!", grabs a 'chute and jumps out.

The Pope looks at the boy scout and says "My son, I have lived a long and blessed life, please, take the last parachute and save yourself." He makes the sign of the cross.

"Hey!", says the boy scout, handing a chute to the Pontiff, "It's no problem, Your Holiness, the brains of Canada just jumped out with my knapsack!"
9 years ago Report
0
Big Bopper
Big Bopper: A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the Trans-Canada Highway, just
outside of Ottawa. Nothing is moving east or west.

Suddenly, a man with a bucket knocks on his window. The driver rolls down
his window and asks, "What happened? What's the hold up?"

"Israeli terrorists have kidnapped Prime Minister Harper and Finance Minister Oliver.
They are demanding a $100 million ransom. Otherwise, they
are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on
fire! We are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
(Edited by Big Bopper)
9 years ago Report
0