ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 2)
NadineHeart: Me: I bet I can make you say Dr. Who!
You: No way!
Me: Knock Knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Dr. Who
You: Dr. Who who?
Me: Made you say it!
wayne elliott: Prince Charles arrives at Clyneberg-on-Sea wearing a dapper suit with a fox fur hat on his head. The Bishop meets him and asks why his highness is wearing a fox fur hat. "Well," replies the prince, "I told Mummy I was coming to visit and she said "Where the fox hat."
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
harlett: ..... Good News - Bad News Jokes.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it
Bad: Your husband's a cross-dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Good: Your mother-in-law's going home.
Bad: to put her house up for sale.
wildrose62: How many ,men does it take to tile your bathroom? One or two - it depends on how thin you slice them.
How many men does it take to change lightbulb? Five - one to change it, and four of his mates to stand around cheering him on.
How many men does it take to replace an empty toilet roll? No one knows... it has never happened.
Why do women get nervous when cleaning the toilet? Because they figure if a guy can miss a hole THAT big........
Sorry, guys, the devil made me do it.
harlett: ...Men Jokes
.....Men are like.....Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
....Men are like....Computers.
And a smart woman keeps a backup.
....Men are like.....High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
....Men are like....Teeth.
You ignore them - you lose them.
harlett: ...body function humor
I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized that I
desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really
loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me
Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.
harlett: ....cute jokes
What do you call a grizzly bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
The Lenscrafter technician got his tie caught in the machine and he made a spectacle of himself
If you're killed by a wild pig, does that mean you were boared to death?
I ordered a honeymoon salad. It's lettuce, alone.
wayne elliott: Gummy bear, hahahaha.
A drunk in a bar uses the toilet. Minutes later the barman hears him screaming, runs into the toilet, asks what happened. The drunk says "When I flushed the toilet something reached up and crushed my balls." Barman says "You're sitting on the mop bucket."
What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?
I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
Why did the scarecrow get a raise?
He was outstanding in his field.
wayne elliott: Thought I wrote this before but musta been on another thread:
"I had two secretaries - one to answer fan letters, the other to send locks of hair to my admirers. I had to let them both go, poor dears. One has writers cramp and the other is quite bald." - Oscar Wilde.
FlashW: Job interview ...
Interviewer: What would you consider to be your greatest weakness?
Interviewer: Honesty? I do not think honesty is a weakness.
Aplicant: I do not give a fuck what you think.
Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack
You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."
FlashW: A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?" "Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"
harlett: ...Girl Friend joke....
“Brian, what’s wrong with you? You’ve been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!” “Oh Dan,” responded Brian “I don’t know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!”
“Brian, that’s horrible!” said Dan putting his arm around Brian. “What type of a gift does she want already?” “Well, right before she closed the door on my face she said to me: “Why don’t you show me how much you care about me? Why can’t you get me something that goes from 0 to 175 in seconds!”
“Dan what should I do? I don’t have that kind of money? I can’t go out and buy her a car!”
“A car? Asked Dan. “Who needs a car? Just stop by Target and buy her a scale!”
harlett: ...... jokes about dating -
In the morning
- Honey, would you like me to bring coffee to the bed?
- No, darling, I will come to have breakfast with you.
- Would you like to have scrambled eggs, my love?
- Sure, kitty, two eggs, please.
- Wait, you don’t remember my name either, do you?
FlashW: Three nuns are talking. The first nun says, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines." "What did you do?" the other nun asks. "Well, of course I threw them in the trash." The second nun says, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasp the other nuns. "What did you do?" they ask. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replies. The third nun faints.