ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 26)

The giant midget: Fancy apples
This city guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.

So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."

Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are p***y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."

blondeystarr:

Big Bopper:

A lady had lost her husband almost two years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.


Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed and so did he.

There she stood naked, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"

She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning."

He knew he was not going to get lucky that night.

The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?"

He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Big Bopper:

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself. And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted:

"You know that doesn't help at all?".

I told her "Sure it does, now I can see the numbers."

Angry Beaver: Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, “It could have been worse.” To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, “Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!”
“That`s awful,” said Frank, “But it could have been worse.”
“How in the hell,” asked his bewildered friend, “Could it have been worse?”
“Well,” replied Frank, “If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!”

The giant midget: Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Angry Beaver: A London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio.



A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London. He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.

The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"

The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel.."

Angry Beaver: A British man is visiting Australia. The customs agent asks him, “Do you have a criminal record?” The British man replies, “I didn’t think you needed one to get into Australia anymore.”

Two Aussies are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my kidneys first.”

You know you're in Melbourne when your taxi driver was a surgeon before arriving in Australia.

What’s the last thing a bogan (US equiv: trailer trash) says before they pass away?
“Hey mate – check this out!!”

Big Bopper:

My local barber was arrested for selling drugs! I was his customer for years!

Never knew he was a barber.

Angry Beaver: who'd a thought it?

Lilith___: I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

lummox: I've no respect for people who think it's clever to take drugs, like custom officers do.

The giant midget: I just love the innocence in young curious minds

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

RUBY:

Lilith___: Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."
Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"
The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

The giant midget: @ "" her legs ""

Big Bopper: Ah hah hah hah! Good one Lilith.

Big Bopper:


"I won't use stores that gender kids' beds"

"Like a boycott?"

"Don't you start."

Big Bopper:
What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

Mz Demeanor:
Bacon proves God has a sense of humor.
He invents the greatest meat in the world, then bans His chosen people from eating it.


God used to create universes and flood the entire Earth. Now he appears on toast.
Anyone else less than impressed with the Almighty’s recent behavior.


If God sneezes when you meet him, what the hell do you say?

Mz Demeanor:
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

Big Bopper: Geez, Mz, that guy chose a laugh over a life of leisure! Hah hah hah!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

Lilith___: A man gets shipwrecked on a small island. After a few days wandering, he comes across a tribe of natives who have just lost their chieftan.
The tribe's high priest tells the man that as he is the first outsider they have seen in twenty years, he must take three tests.
If he passes al three tests, the tribe will accept him as their new chief.
"Fair enough," says the man.
"Just let me know what the tests are and I'll get right on them."
The piest takes him to a clearing with three straw huts in it, turns to the man and explains the tests.
"In the first hut, you'll find 20 gallons of our native beer. You must drink all of this to complete this test. In the second hut is a gorilla with a sore tooth. You must pull his tooth and survive to pass this test. In the third hut is the ex-chieftan's daughter. You must make love to her until she can take nomore."
The man agrees to the tests and begns the first test.
Three hours later, he walks out of the hut and goes toward the second hut.
The priest asks if he would like to have a rest, but the man says he wants to get all the tests done before he sleeps.
He goes into th second hut. After two hours he comes out covered from head to toe in blood and sctratches.
He turns to the priest and says "Now lead me to the girl with the sore tooth."

Big Bopper:
A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls. Before I can let you pass through the gates of heaven we must verify your innocence. "Have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip your finger into the holy water, say a Hail Mary, and you may pass through the gate."

The second girl, Kelly, says "I once fondled one..." St Peter replies "Alright, dip your whole hand in the holy water, say two Hail Marys and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a commotion amongst the group and one of the girls pushes her way to the front. St Peter says "Jennifer! what's the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that water, I want to do it before Tammy sticks her ass in it!"