ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 29)

Angry Beaver: Men vacuum in the same way that they have sex.

They just put it in and make some noise for 3 minutes before they collapse on the couch and think that their wife should be really happy.

Angry Beaver:
Paddy and Murphy fancy a pint, but only have a euro between them. Paddy goes off and buys a sausage.

Murphy says are you mad?

Now we're skint! Come on, says Paddy, follow Me.

They go into the pub order two pints and drink them before they pay. Paddy shoves the sausage through the zipper of his jeans and tells Murphy to get down on his knees and suck it.

The barman goes berserk and throws them out.
10 pubs and 10 pints later Murphy says..
'I cant do this any more, my knees are sore and I'm pissed.

How do you think I feel? Says Paddy, I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!?

Big Bopper:
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.

I was so scared, I almost fell in.

blondeystarr:

wayne elliott: Angry Beaver - "I can't remember which pub I lost the sausage in."

Coffee shot out my nose. Spending afternoon cleaning keyboard.

Angry Beaver: bwahahahha cracked me up also!

Lilith___: An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"

Big Bopper:
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

blondeystarr:

Lilith___: The soldiers of an infantry unit had been in the field for two weeks when the Sergeant announces, “I’ve got good news and bad news. First the good news. Today we’re going to change our underwear.”
The troops start cheering wildly.
“Now the bad news,” continues the Sarge. “Smith, you change with Jones. Andrews, you change with Murphy…”

Angry Beaver: A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.

When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"

Angry Beaver: Once upon a time there were these two bums walking down the railroad tracks, and the first bum, Fred, thought he smelled a nasty old smell. He asked his companion, Jeff, ''Did you s**t your pants?''

''Hell no,'' Jeff said.

They walked a few more miles and the smell got worse. ''Did you s**t your pants, Jeff?''

''I swear to the God almighty I did not s**t my pants,'' Jeff said.

So they walk three more miles and the smell gets just horrible. Fred runs over and pulls down Jeff's pants and says, ''I thought you said you didn't s**t your pants?!''

''I didn't.'' Jeff said. ''They're your pants.''

Angry Beaver: Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in Australia. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said.

"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see."

Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.

The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.

The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him.

"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"

Angry Beaver: Two nuns were driving along the road, and see a man exposing himself. "Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed the Mother Superior. "Sister! Show him your cross!" So the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts "Fuck Off!"

Big Bopper:

A priest and a taxi driver arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter welcomes them and shows them to their homes.

For the taxi driver, a beautiful villa looking over a gorgeous field of clouds. "Thank you," the ecstatic taxi driver said.

Anticipating an even bigger mansion, the priest was dismayed when they arrived at a small 1-bedroom apartment.

"St. Peter, I'm a little puzzled," the priest began. "As a clergyman, I devoted decades of my life solely to serving the Lord. How come the taxi driver got a villa, and for me, only a small apartment?"

St. Peter smiled. "Up here, we go by results. While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Big Bopper:

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

“Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?”

“There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.”

“What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly.

The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”

Angry Beaver:

Big Bopper:



Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, "Ah think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"Ah don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "

"Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds!"

The giant midget: As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast.
So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray."
"Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

The giant midget: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my girlfriend . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Girlfriend what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my girl to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.
Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'No possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid', reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny 'lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and......

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD..... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION..... WHAT THE.... !!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position and tingling in my legs!

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.S... My girlfriend can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Big Bopper:
There was this drunk walking down the street, and he walks up to this cop and says,

“Man, somebody stole my car.”

The cop says, “Well, where was it?”

The drunk holds up his car keys says, “It was right at the end of this key.”

The cop says “I don’t know man, but why don’t you go down to the precinct and report it down there, they’ll fill out all the proper forms and help you out.”

The drunk says thank you and starts walking away but the cop calls out to him and says “Hey before you go down there you better zip up your fly.”

The drunk looks down at his fly and says, “Oh man! They got my girl too!”

wayne elliott: LOL Big Bopper!!!

TheCovenant: Alek Minassian a young troubled cereal killer is up for human trials in 2020 by judge alone.

Big Bopper:

I went to the doctor recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty” I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No Fatty, don’t eat anything.

Big Bopper:


A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy’s testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last penny, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy’s testicles, the woman walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word, but keeps the penny.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?”

“No,” the woman replied. “I’m with the Internal Revenue Service.”