ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 37)

TheCovenant: The three worst defences in the history of courts.

1 My cellmate said I confessed to him, but it didnt happen quite that way.
2 The police used sodium pentathol in the interrogation room
3 I am a victim of government mind control experiments.

Followed by the notable defence, I did it but I shouldnt be held guilty because the police were mean to me.

TheCovenant: Come on that joke is hysterical. We used to laugh at jokes like that. Why all the silence, you act like the secret police is going to disappear you or your family for blogging on an electronic newspaper.

Its the second most pretentious thing I have heard after a Judge who just pronounced a man guilty said to him " Do yu mind explaining yourself to me and the court"

Come on people this is not the soviet union, the police arnt going to stop you from joking around, much less participating in Amnesty International.

so what, its not as if its just frame work people.

The giant midget: Simply not funny at all
Move along now

MJ59: A reporter asks Trump, "Mr. Trump, what's two plus two?"

Mr. Trump replies "I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me, and they ask me. They say, 'What's 2+2'? And I tell them, look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh, my God, I can't believe it. Addition and subtraction of the 1s the 2s and the 3s. It's terrible. It's just terrible. Look, if you want to know what 2+2 is, do you want to know what 2+2 is? I'll tell you. First of all the number 2, by the way, I love the number 2. It's probably my favorite number, no it is my favorite number. By the way, if you check the polls, I'm winning. Especially when it comes to the #2. It's probably like the number 2 but with a lot of 0s after it. A lot. If I'm being honest, I mean, if I'm being honest. I like a lot of zeros. Except for Marco Rubio, now he's a zero that I don't like. Though, I probably shouldn't say that. He's a nice guy, but he's like, '10101000101,' on and on, like that. He's like a computer! You know what I mean? He's like a computer, let me tell you. I don't know. I mean, you know. So, we have all these numbers, and we can add them and subtract them and add them. TIMES them even. Did you know that? We can times them OR divide them, they don't tell you that, and I'll tell you, no one is better at the order of operations than me. You wouldn't believe it. So, we're gonna be the best on 2+2, believe me. Maybe you didn't hear about 2+2. I just made that up the other day."

TheCovenant: he just chokes up everytime he hears the number "4"

MJ59: A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

MJ59: In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

MJ59: As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, “Occupation?”

“No,” says the Russian. “Just visiting.”

TheCovenant: Captain to leuitenants about a perp:

Well men what does this perp know?
Well sir turns out he knows nothing.
What does he beleive?
He beleives know one sir.
What does he suspect?
He suspects everyone sir.
What does he think?
He thinks Doctors, Judges,Cops and God are all pricks.

TheCovenant: A cop beats up a man and arrests him without charge.
He is brought before the magistrate,
who, asks him why he beat up this man without charge.
The cop replies to the judge, this man is half African half Indian,
our enemies, who are in revolt against the King.
The judge takes a good look at the accused and says to the cop,
You Idiot, this man is white, that means he is British.

Campion: Two Irish nuns were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are , show them your cross." So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!" Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

Wild__: John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.’

‘Don’t worry,’ John said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’ The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, ‘Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’

‘Yes, I do," said Keith.

‘Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’

‘Well, um, yes!' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’

‘And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?’

Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?’

‘She just died and left me everything.’

Wild__: An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian, an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Botswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Puertorican, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turk, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwea

.... they all go to a bar.

The doorman stops them and says, “Sorry, guys. I can’t let you in without a Thai” ...

Campion: That is so bad that its good.

Campion: I went to pick up my mother for an appointment and found her outside on the sidewalk in conversation with another lady. I tried to get her attention several times and finally took her by the arm and said “Mom, we really have to get going for that appointment.” As we were driving off she said “I'm sorry son, I didn't know what to do. That woman just wouldn't stop listening to me.”

Campion: Does the statement, "We've always done it that way" ring any bells...? The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads. Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse's ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story... When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important.

Campion: A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".

Big Bopper:

A young guy met a sixty+ years old woman at a bar who looked pretty good for her age.

He found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. The young guy drank a couple of beers. They enjoyed talking, laughing and drinking together, when she asked, " Have you ever had a Sportsman’s Double?"

"What’s that?", he asked.

"It’s a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

As his mind began to embrace the idea, he wondered what her daughter might look like, he said, "No, I haven’t, but it sounds like fun!"

They drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, " Tonight’s your lucky night, lets go back to my place."

They went back to her place, and walked in. As he took off his shoes and hung up his coat, she put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom!…you still awake?"

Campion: Frank and Joe went fishing on the bay one morning. They had been fishing companionably in silence for several hours when Frank said “Joe, I think I am going to have to divorce my Marsha. She has not spoken to me in over two months.” They fished in silence for another three hours when Joe said “Frank, I'd think twice about divorcing her. Women like that are very hard to find.”

MJ59:
A husband and wife had been arguing all day. They pass a herd of obnoxious jerks. The wife says "Relatives of yours?"
The husband says "Yep, in-laws."

MJ59: A bright, young graduate joined the Internal Revenue Service. Anxious for his first investigation he was a bit perturbed when he was assigned to audit a Rabbi.
Looking over the books and taxes was pretty straightforward and the Rabbi was clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

“Rabbi,” he said, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles.”

“Yes,” answered the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.

“A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up, and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he’d go on, in the traditional obnoxious way...

“Rabbi, what about all these cookie purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the cookies?”

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up all the crumbs from the cookies and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer. Every now and then, they send a box of cookies.”

“Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”

“Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS.”

“The IRS?” asked the auditor in disbelief.

“Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “the IRS. And about once a year they send us a little dick like you.”

MJ59:
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist.
The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist's had a good life. An excellent, well-paid job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"
A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

Campion: Three men married three girls. The first married an English girl. He told her to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and the dishes washed and put away.

The second married an American girl. He gave her orders to do all the house cleaning, dishes and cooking. On the first couple of days he saw hardly anything but by the end of the week the house was clean, the dishes done and the meals were on the table.

The third man married a Canadian girl. He gave her orders to clean the house, do the dishes, mow the lawn, do the laundry and prepare all the meals. On the first day he didn't see anything, same on the second day but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. On the fourth day his arm was healed enough that he was able to make himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees.

The giant midget: Don't try to mess around with my Canadian girls
If they get mad , they will pull your asshole out of your ears and your dick out off your armpits

Campion: An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again.

The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" 'Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to Canada, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town was pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening - he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well... It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."