ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 40) Wild__: An Irish dad calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing.” “Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” The son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced!”she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!” She calls Ireland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way"  (Post deleted by TheCovenant ) TheCovenant: People make fun of Donald Trump because he doesnt know the three branches of the Government. He Said, the Executive, the Legislative and the Judiciary. His advisor corrected him and said, the three branches of the government are The police, the secret police, and the secret secret police.  MJ59: A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting. "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says. The two Englishmen just stare at him. "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare. "Parlare Italiano?" No response. "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted. The first Englishman turns to the second and says "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...." "Why?" says the other "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good MJ59: A woman with a baby was in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist" the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk". "I know" she said "I'm his aunt, but I'm glad I came Wild__: The Pope’s health was failing. The best doctors in the world came to his aid, running every test they could think of. And finally, they had to deliver the news to the Holy Father. “Your Eminence, we’re afraid that you have a very rare condition. It is curable, but the cure… You have to have sex with a woman. Masturbation won’t cure it; it has to be actual, full sexual intercourse.” The Pope sits for a minute, thinking. He nods. “I will agree to do this. But, I have three conditions. Firstly, the woman must be blind; so that she will not know that it is I with whom she is having intercourse.” The doctors and bishops nod in agreement. “Of course, Your Holiness. It will be so.” The Pope continues: “Secondly, she must be deaf and mute; so that she will not in some way hear me and recognize my voice, and so that after it is over, she can tell nobody of what transpired.” The doctors and bishops all agree. “A wise request, Holy Father, that news of this sin not leave these halls. And what is your third condition?” The Pope smiles. “Really big tits.” TheCovenant: CK Lewis, the Catholic Church and why the Yugoslavian war started. so what is the catholic church, what is it all about The Catholic church is an ancient world wide organisation dedicated to the constant goal of fucking young boys. really sure wow i thought everyone knew that I thought that the point of the church was to worship god and the boy fucking was just incidental. no its just the other way around. the point of the church is boy fucking all the other stuff is just busy work ok how does it work? Well you stick your dick up their ass... no no no I mean as an organisation why do you need a whole church to do that? You see you cant just go around fucking boys in the street, people get mad (Edited by TheCovenant) TheCovenant: He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures. TheCovenant: Lucy: "Charlie Brown. Oh Charlie Brown. I'll hold the football and you kick it." Charlie: "You say you'll hold it, but what you really mean is you'll pull it away and I'll land on my back, and I'll kill myself." Lucy: "But I feel I have really come to know you. I now understand that you are kind, compassionate, brave, and funny. No one would pull a football from a person with all those qualities." Charlie: "She's right. I would never pull a football away from someone with all those qualities.I'm gonna kick this ball all the way to the moon." (Charlie Brown runs up to kick the football. But Lucy pulled it away.) Charlie: "Aaugh!!" (Wham!) Lucy: "And gullible. I forgot to mention gullible." Wild__: An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament: Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad A few days later he received a letter from his son: Dear Dad, Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES. Love Vinnie At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son. Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Vinnie Wild__: "No”, she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20,” she answered. Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next.'"  Campion: A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang... It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a accident and was in critical condition in ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!" "While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require round the clock care and you will be her care giver! She will need IV's; you will have to change her colostomy bag every 3 hours; she will have to be spoon fed 3 times a day and don't forget the hygiene care." The man broke down and sobbed. The doctor chuckled and said, "I'm just messing with your mind. She's dead. What'd you shoot?" The giant midget: Wildfire and Campion you two gentlemen just made me laugh so hard that the dog got scared Thank you TheCovenant: When do RCMP cadets get promoted to full blown officers? When their instructors smell blood in the water. When do RCMP officers get their first medal. When they try on their first law suit. How do you make an RCMP officer attempt suicide. Show her a tampon. Why did the RCMP go ahead with their 1.1 billion dollar lawsuit against themselves. They went ahead with their lawsuit because they know the Judge. Literally. Campion: The Trump administration as become quite polite lately. People are going around saying "pardon me". TheCovenant: Lordy Lordy Lordy, please help me Justice Fish, please help me. (Edited by TheCovenant) Wild__: What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea? I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.  Vanellion: Little 8-year-old Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was doing, he asked: “What are you doing there, Nancy?” “My goldfish died,” Nancy sobbed. “And I’ve just buried him.” The obnoxious neighbor laughed and said condescendingly: “That’s a really big hole for a little goldfish, don’t you think?” Nancy patted down the last heap of earth with her shovel and replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.” Vanellion: How many shitty YouTubers does it take to change a lightbulb? You won't find out, at least in the next 10 minutes and 5 seconds but who cares when there's such a SICK DEAL at the dollar shave club? Now SUBSCRIBE AND SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON!  Emma McGann: A drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in through the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk" Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing." | Off Topic Chat Room Similar Conversations |
