ahahahahaha obnoxious jokes (Page 46)
Little Johnny was doing his maths homework
He says out loud, “One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight.”
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, “What are you doing Johnny?”
Johnny replies, “I am just doing my maths homework.”
“And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asks.
“Yes,” Johnny replies.
The mother is now angry and immediately phones Johnny’s teacher, “What on earth are you teaching my son in class?” she asks.
The teacher replies, “Right now, we are learning mathematical addition.”
The mother asks, “And are you teaching them to say one plus six, that son of a bitch is seven?”
After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically, she answers, “What I taught them to say was, one plus six, the sum of which is seven.”
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."
"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.
Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession with the same priest.
"Father, I am not here for confession, but for advice," he says. "Many years ago, I confessed to you that I masturbated and you told me to save it for marriage."
"Yes, my son," says the priest. "What is the problem?"
"Well, Father, I'm about to get married and I have a 50 gallon drum of the stuff. What am I supposed to do with it?"
A cannibal is walking through the jungle when he sees on of his cannibal buddies leaving the witch doctor's hut...
Cannibal 1: why you at the witch doctor?
Cannibal 2: some new religious people were snooping around the village the other day and I ate one of them. I haven't felt too good since.
Cannibal 1: how'd you prepare them?
Cannibal 2: I boiled em
Cannibal 1: hmm, what did they look like?
Cannibal 2: big heavy brown robe, big piece of rope tied around the waist, bald head with a funny little ring of hair all the way around
Cannibal 1: ah, there's your problem. You can't boil them, those are friars.
Man walks into a bar with an octopus.
He says "I bet anyone $50 they can't bring me a musical instrument this octopus can't play."
People in the bar look around, talk amongst themselves, and someone brings up an acoustic guitar. The octopus looks at the guitar, tests the strings, tunes it, and begins playing a country song.
Next somebody brings a trumpet. The octopus looks at the trumpet, adjusts the keys, licks its lips, and begins playing a jazz solo on the trumpet.
The bartender's been watching this. He goes out back, and after a few minutes comes back with a set of bagpipes. He sets the bagpipes on the counter and says, "I bet you $100 the octopus can't play this."
The octopus takes the bagpipes and looks at them. Then turns them over and looks at them from another angle. Then turns them again.
The guy's getting impatient. "Quit screwing around, start playing."
The octopus says, "Play? If I can figure out how to take her pajamas off I'm gonna fuck her."
A man is walking through the grocery store, when a woman stops him and says
"I think you're the father of one of my kids!"
The guy stops for a moment. Then he snaps his fingers and points at her. "Wait! Aren't you that stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, while all my buddies watched, and your sidekick was spanking my ass with wet celery??"
She pauses and says "no, I'm your son's third grade teacher."
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.
So the couple produces photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple’s care.
The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, “We’ve arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
This time the wife explains, “Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, “What age child are you hoping to adopt?”
The husband says, “It doesn’t really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon.”
An old man calls his son and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,” he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister and tell her," and he hangs up.
Now, the son is worried. He calls his sister. She says, "Like hell they’re getting divorced!" She calls their father immediately. "You’re not getting divorced! Don't do another thing. The two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper. DO YOU HEAR ME?” She hangs up the phone.
The old man turns to his wife and says, "Okay, they’re both coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares!"
A backpacker walks into a pub in Ireland
It's a small pub, clearly quite old. There's only two people in the pub, the bartender and another customer.
The intrepid backpacker, weary from his travels, takes a seat, orders himself a pint, and introduces himself to his fellow patron of the pub.
He asks the man's name and the man stares at him for a few seconds and then says
"Do you see that pier down there?"
The backpacker says "aye"
"I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me Seamus the pier builder? Noooooo......"
He's silent for a few minutes then he says
"Do you see that shed out back?"
"I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me Seamus the shed builder? Noooooo......."
He's silent a few more minutes then he says
"Do you see that stone wall over there?"
"I built it with my bare hands, but do they call me Seamus the wall builder? Noooooo......"
And then he says
"But you fuck ONE goat!!!!"
I worked at a factory making furniture. Every night I would leave the gate with a wheelbarrow full of sawdust and every night the factory guard checked through the sawdust as I left, looking for what I might be stealing… but I was too cleaver, he never found anything!
After 20 years, the guard was retiring. He pulled me aside and said, "Look, I know you've been stealing SOMETHING for the past 20 years and it's driving me crazy not being able to catch you. I'm retiring and, I swear, I'll not tell anyone - I just need to know… just what have you been stealing?“ “Wheelbarrows”, I said.
A ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!"
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little idiot on your knee!"
Steve and his buddies were hanging out and planning an upcoming fishing trip.
Unfortunately, he had to tell them that he couldn't go this time because his wife wouldn't let him.
After a lot of teasing and name calling, Steve headed home frustrated.
The following week when Steve's buddies arrived at the lake to set up camp, they were shocked to see Steve.
He was already sitting at the campground with a cold beer, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a camp fire glowing.
"How did you talk your missus into letting you go Steve?" "I didn't have to," Steve replied.
"Yesterday, when I left work, I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'.
When I peeled her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see through negligee and she said, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want,' So, Here I am!"
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month.
A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog.
After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
(Edited by Big Bopper)
A man was riding on a bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one evening.
The man tells his wife, "I read an article that says humans are the only species where the females can have an orgasm."
"Prove it" She replied flirtatious.
"Well... alright, here goes..."
He walked out and returned a few hours later.
"The sheep didn't, the horse didn't, but I couldn't really tell with the chickens, they were just clucking a lot."
A friend of mine recently died from a sexually related condition.
His girlfriend's husband shot him.
Little Johnny wakes up in the hospital after having his appendix taken out only to find out he has messed the bed while under anesthesia. Thankfully no one else was in the room and he starts worrying people will laugh at him so he comes up with a plan.
He jumps out of bed, takes his soil bed clothes off, throws them on the bed, wraps the sheets up around everything, opens the window and throws it out.
There are two guys sitting below his room having a smoke and all of a sudden this ball of soiled sheets lands on him. He fights and struggles to get them off himself and finally throws it all to the ground.
His buddy looks over to him and asks, "What happened?"
"I'm not sure man but I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"
"I want you to have this," said the husband to his wife, handing her a gold bracelet with an engraved medallion. "It belonged to my mother."
"Oh honey, thank you!" she said, smiling and putting on the bracelet. "It's a beautiful bracelet and a beautiful gesture."
As she moved her arm around admiring it from various angles, her smile turned into a frown, and then a full-on glare.
She rounded on her husband, and yelled, "You asshole! It says, "Do not resuscitate!"
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply.
Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day when we drank together.
So I drinks one for each a me brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no. Everyone's fine," He explains, "I just joined the Mormon Church and I had to quit drinking."
A big bus stops at a roadside eatery.
The passengers flood inside the eatery and as they take their respective seats the driver calls the manager aside and explains, "Look sir, we're from the mental asylum down the road. I'm taking the inmates for a ride. When they're done eating they will insist on paying with bottle caps like they do inside. Please humor them and accept their payments. I'll clear the entire check at the end."
So, as each passenger finishes eating and pays with bottle caps, the manager solemnly accepts them.
After they were all seated in the bus, the driver approaches the manager who presents the bill to him.
The driver carefully scans the bill. "Excellent! I'm grateful for your cooperation. You don't know how hard it is to handle these people. Now, would you have change for a hubcap?"
A woman who lived with her husband on a large farm was recovering in hospital following an operation.
“The operation went well”, the doctor informed her, “and I think you're ready to go home. But make sure you get plenty of rest. No work or strenuous activity for the next week.”
“But I have to take the bull from the lower field up to the upper field tomorrow to mate with the cows”, the woman protested. “It's an uphill walk of over two kilometers and it's very important!”
“Well can't your husband do that?”, the doctor asked.
“Yes”, the woman answered. “But the bull does it better.”
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident,
an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."
Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."