Life..

I've been so out of my mind lately. These last months of 2018 have got me all fucked up in the head. I am trying to keep so much together while everything inside me is falling apart. It is taking everything to not throw my hands up and say screw it. I feel like no one in the world understands... I am so numb, and alone. I hope it gets better.

1800...wait... what was it?

Everyone thinks about it sometime...
When life gets to you...
You run around in circles...
Not knowing what to do...
All you can do is sit and cry...
and I wish you weren't alive...
Everything seems as if its going wrong,
When you're thinking of suicide.

It seems like the right solution...
To mend heartbreak, or long goodbyes...
It seems like the right choice...
When someone close to you dies...
Hurt feelings, covered up by lies..
Everything else seems to go away
And for once something is going your way..
When you're thinking of suicide.

Tear filled nights, followed by cries for help...
A teenaged girl wants to kill herself...
She feels worthless, trapped, and all alone.
Even in the place she calls her home.
She doesn't have a lover to treat her right...
Her dad and her always argue and fight...
About the same thing they fought about the night before...
and finally she decided she couldn't take it no more.

No more pain, sadness, or fights...
No more crying herself to sleep at night...
No more heartbreak, no more tears...
No more nightmares, and No more fears...

Everyone thinks about it sometime...
When life gets to you...
You run around in circles...
Not knowing what to do...
When all you can do is sit and cry...
and you wish you weren't alive..
Hurt feelings, covered up by lies..
Everything else seems to go away
And for once something is going your way..
When you're thinking of suicide.

A Poem from Bandit

Although I'm not with you,
I'm buried in your heart..
There's not a moment in time,
We've ever been apart..
I'm thankful for your kindness,
& the love you've shown to me..
I'll always be your "good boy",
& I'm so sorry I had to leave.
But I'll be waiting for you,
On the otherside...
I'll get to see you again,
When it's your time.
Until then enjoy your life,
Because living my life with you,
Helped me enjoy mine

I love you from a distance.

Stop... & listen for a second
I have some trouble on my mind.
Why waste your time looking,
When you'll always be mine.
It doesn't matter that you love her,
It doesn't matter that you care...
A piece of your heart will always be with me..
& I'll always be right there.

If Heaven Had Visiting Hours

If heaven had visiting hours,
Mommy would be with you everyday,
Making sure that the angels are treating you good,
& kiss any pain you had away.

If heaven had visiting hours,
You couldn't get mommy to leave..
I'd barricade myself into your room.
& You'd never get rid of me.

If heaven had visiting hours,
I'd come sing to your heart's desire,
I'll keep singing until my voice gets hoarse,
Or until your little eyes start getting tired..

If heaven had visiting hours,
I would come console you in my arms,
But baby, heaven doesn't have visiting hours..
So mommy will just visit you in her heart.

Happy Father's Day from Charlee;;

Happy Father's Day Daddy! From up here in heaven to earth, I just wanted to say I'm with you everyday, & I try to take away the hurt. Mommy & I are so proud of you, Your soul is so beautiful and pure, I would have grown up to be just like you, In every way I'm sure. Thank you for being so strong for mommy & I, We love you more than the number of stars in the sky, We wish and pray on them every night, For you to continue to fight.. For everything you've ever wished and dreamed for.. You deserve all of it, and so much more.

Waiting.

Waiting...
Waiting for the next paycheck, or the next past due bill...
Waiting for that someone to text you back...
Waiting for that positive pregnancy test..
Waiting for that friend to ask "are you okay?"
Waiting for the day to be over.
We spend our days waiting for the next best thing...
Without noticing that the best thing in your life...
Was there all along.

Survey because... I was bored as a MoFo. (:

HAVE YOU EVER:
➖Snuck out: Yes
➖Broken a bone: No
➖Cried myself to sleep: Yes
➖Been arrested: No
➖Felt lonely: Yes
➖Been depressed: Yes

WHAT'S YOUR:
➖Birthday: Valentines Day.
➖Biggest fear: Losing my memory.
➖Dream job: Singer
➖Dream car: One that runs on air.
➖Dream house: Any house that I own, with a fenced in back yard.

DO YOU:
➖Like someone: Yes
➖Love someone: Yes
➖Have tattoos: Yes
➖Have piercings: Yes
➖Party: Sometimes..

FAVORITE:
➖Artist: Depends on my mood that day...
➖Movie: The Breakfast Club
➖Song: Again... it varies.
➖Netflix series: Why does it have to be one?? I like Orange is the New Black?
➖Book: Something Borrowed, Something Blue.
➖Color: Green
➖Animal: Dog & Cats.... & bunnies... & cute baby furry animals.

THIS OR THAT:
➖Twitter or Facebook: Facebook
➖Twitter or Instagram: Instagram
➖Facebook or Instagram: Facebook
➖Coke or Pepsi: Neither cause I don't drink soda anymore!! Like 2 weeks clean!!
➖Tea or coffee: Coffee, do you think I'm a monster?!
➖Tacos or pizza: OOo this is easyyy Tacos of course.
➖Winter or summer: Winter.

WOULD YOU EVER:
➖Get married: Yes
➖Have kids: Yes
➖Swim with sharks: That would be pretty cool...
➖Eat rotten food: No?
➖Marry a foreigner: I am already married.. but sure.

Badges that I am still in need of. :)

Techie Mysterious Political Nostalgic Guitarist Handy Bassist Drummer Couch Potato Outdoorsy Gearhead Burger Exhibitionist Cougar Gym Rat Cowboy Football Fan Football Fan Hockey Fan Baby on Board Grammar Police Get Well Soon Anime Lover Sci-Fi Nut Do You Even Lift? Cat Person Rocker Film Buff Musician Mastachioed Caffeinated Traveler Hipster Pink Roses Yellow Roses Burgundy Roses Bouquet of White Roses Bouquet of Sunflowers Cheesy Lazy Creative Fail Beggar Spicy Buzzkill Analog Thumbs up Thumbs down Jackass Biggest Flirt Brainiac Captain Obvious Arch-Nemesis Chatterbox Emo Gamer

&& I'll say goodbye... in hopes never to mean it!

Here we are again my friend. Not that anyone but myself really reads this but I felt it has been a while since I talked to myself... or my computer screen rather. Things have been going crazy lately. My dad moved back up to Ohio, so CJ and I had to take over the bills here. This includes his dog Elvis, in which I love so much! He left so that he could help my grandparents because my grandpa was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, and it was pretty hard for him to get around by himself.

A couple of weeks after my dad moved up there I got a message from my sister telling me my mom had been admitted to the ICU for a brain bleed. I was pretty freaked out, and decided it was the right choice to take a trip up to Ohio. When I got there, and saw my mom she said... “I knew you would come”. The day that she was discharged not 45 minutes afterword she goes into cardiac arrest. I watched my step-dad, and the ambulance give her CPR for what seemed like an hour. They did a procedure to cool her body down, and then slowly warm it back to to avoid any more damage to the brain. She made a remarkable recovery.

They never found anything when she had a heart cath done, so they put a defibrillator in her heart, and she is home and doing well. On top of that my grandfather recently had a doctors appointment, and he was informed that his cancer is in remission!! That is the best news I have heard in so long. This means my grandpa is the most badass, of all badassery! Kicking cancer in the ass twice!

So I wanted to say thank you to those who sent out vibes, and prayers for my family. They really make a difference. Being up in Ohio made me realize the fact that I am missing so much, and I could have such great relationships with all of the family I have up there. Someday soon I hope I will be able to relocate, and finally be apart of their lives.