Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't ~~~ Erica Jong
baybeblue: I miss the old wire. The old chart rooms. The old people. I miss feeling like people cared. I miss the fun chats. I miss so much.
baybeblue: As a few of you know I had a very eventful beginning of the year. I know I posted I went through something very traumatic but didn't go into detail. So now I will divulge into what has happened to me this year and where I am now.
January was a hard month I lost two grandmothers, and an aunt. I also turned 30 which I've been dreading since I was about 15. Anywho I was with who seemed to be the most wonderful man ever he attended funerals with me and pushed me in a way I needed. He also kept me slightly secluded and belittled my opinions. But I didn't really notice I was in love. He through me a birthday party and met my entire family. February 4th we got into an argument, all couples get into an apartment. But he put his hands on me. I fought to get his hands from around my neck but couldn't. He released, I was shocked, hurt. I didn't know what to do or think I had cared about him so much. We were camping in the middle of nowhere, in an rv, I stepped outside to get some fresh air my car wasn't right there I couldn't drive it in there so it was parked on the edge of the property. But I fell to my knees in the dirt and looked up to the sky and prayed if you want to call it that. I begged the god or gods if there are any to please just let him know I love him. I went back into the camper. And sat there Lucas said for me to just do it... and I had no idea what he meant he told me again just do it. I was lost hurt confused and said that there were a lot of things I had wanted to do but that what I was going to do was leave. I said I was done I would be back with an officer to gather my belongings but I no longer wanted to be with him. I got up and walked outside and down the dirt road towards where my car was... I was about 50 ft away from the camper when I heard a gun and felt the hit in my back. I turned and screamed but he had shot again, I felt it hit me in my arm. I screamed again as he continued shooting this time I felt as though I had gotten hit in my head I could feel warm liquid running down my face, then the last shot got me in my hip and that is when I could no longer stand. I fell to the ground and he was standing over me. I was crying and I asked him if he was going to kill me and with no emotion in his face he looked me in the eyes and said probably. I begged for my life, I kissed his feet. I promised him anything I could think of if he would just let me go. He refused. Unfortunately for him he was out of ammo, he went back to the camper and I threw the flashlight I had so he wouldn't be able to see me and I crawled through the grass and water to my car which was closer to me then the camper was to him. I pulled myself up into my car and I drove myself to the er. He followed me. I was life flighted to a bigger hospital, he was eventually caught. That was the scariest moment of my life it felt like a horror movie I couldn't escape. It didn't feel real. And I blamed myself for a very long time. Thinking if only I had just went to my car the first time I walked out of the camper if I never said I would be back with an officer. If I had just not argued with him at all if I had just done every little thing he asked. But now I'm thankful. I am thankful it happened to me instead of any other person because they may not have been able to get away. Thankful that I am able to walk, talk, eat, breath. Thankful that going through this has opened my eyes and my heart. Thankful that in that moment I found Jesus. Thankful for everything. I am doing great I am working now just got a $2.50 raise and a new job title at the care home I work at. I am back on my feet my car is running good again. Forgot to mention I broke it getting to the er. I have my own place. I attend church regularly. I have learned that I have a very large support group. I have learned that I can overcome anything. I've learned that I am strong, I am worthy and I am loved.
Ice1234: It was hard reading about the awful expirience you went through,but i am so happy you're allright now and obviously alive.
I thank God for your life and will keep ya in prayer blue
Im so happy u keep running the race. I believe your testimony will help others overcome their own traumas. And you are correct,u are not alone
And congrats on the raise hehe
midniteangel1950: My prayers are with you. Hope you will grow stronger with time. If you need a friend I'm here.NO STRINGS
baybeblue: Lifes hard. But the only advice I can give is to remain yourself at all times. Enjoy yourself in life. Be confident, don't be afraid to walk up and bluntly flirt or ask for a number. Just do it respectfully. Dont be afraid of anything in life take charge and go for what makes you happy. Be compassionate, considerate, be slow with your reactions and accept your actions. Most importantly forgive. Forgive people who've hurt you. Forgive people who used you. But don't forget to forgive yourself.
Recently I had the most traumatic thing I could ever imagine happen to me. I haven't spoken publicly about it because I'm afraid. So this is where I'm going to express myself because here I don't have neighbors, I don't have family. Just people I've met over the years who I've chatted with here and there. And now I'm going to try and open up and be real.
Just know the story is real and I survived! Maybe not the same person I was before, I am a little bit stronger but also a little unstable.
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Ice1234: My native language is spanish so i excuse myself if i type something out of place.
I have no idea what you have through,i do know that for some reason,most of us (if not everyone) go through something horrofying that tries to scar us for life and damage us on the inside. Ive been thinking about lately how any physical damage i ever received didnt affect me much,and yet the damage to my emotions,to my mind is what took many many years to overcome.
I was only able to find peace again when i started getting to know Christ. Because if i am honest with u,religion sort of made things worst if that makes sense at all. But He did give me peace and gave me back my humanity. Wich i had lost along the way.
I will keep u in prayer Miss blue. I am happy to know you survive and are here. I believe you are an overcomer and can be a blessing to others in their road to also overcome and forgive others.
Hoping the very best for you
baybeblue: Thank you Ice. I have definitely been reading the Bible looking for strength and I've I am getting better it is just taking a while. Everyday I figure our another way I have been affected. Just keep praying I will come out on the otherside.
RavenSpirit™: I'm not sure what it is you went through luv but I know it's something and it sounds very traumatic and scary. You're in my thoughts and I will send you all the strength I can. If you ever need someone to talk to, vent to, or just someone to listen, I'm here for you. Send me a message here or on FB, either way, I will always respond! *Huge hugs and lots of love*
baybeblue: Yesterday was a pretty good day. I woke up in a great mood. For a moment I felt like myself. I put makeup on did my hair and did thinga. These are big steps because lately I just wear sweat pants any only go out if I need to. Hairs always a mess and I don't want to be around people. But yesterday I was not afraid.
The universe didn't like my confidence. While I was at the store this guy comes up to the window trying to sell these pills and asking for other types of pills. My friend was talking to him and the guy who was obviously on something got loud and mad reaching into the car. I flipped I started crying and shaking he followed us in the car and rode our ass. I mean I seriously had flash backs I remembered laying there on the ground looking up into Lucas eyes I remember begging for my life. I remember crawling in the mud to get away. And I know this random in counter at the store is not the same. I know he doesn'tknow what I've been through. I know he was just being an ass. But I was so afraid he was going to hunt us down I was so afraid he was going to try and kill me. It'sso hard to smile when I'm so on edge.
Ice1234: Trauma and inner wounds can torment a person at any time. Even when there seems to be nothing wrong.
Ill be praying for u blue;I do suggest asking God to heal ur heart and mind. He is the only expert i know that can do it.
Be at peace