Do I really have to title this??
I need to escape and reset!!! Yesterday seemed ok. I survived working job #2. It was busy so went fast. Then went to a movie with my oldest son. The movie theater was really nice too. It had recliners! I'm lucky - or maybe my son is lucky- that I did not fall asleep. haha... Then onto home where my girl child was listing off stuff we are doing today and Monday.... I know I agreed to take her to a riding/jumping lesson on Monday. For some reason I thought she was going to do her job (mucking stalls) on Monday also...but nope, I guess I agreed to take her before my work today..... Anyway, my brain was sorting through everything between work, eye appointment, PT, and lordy who knows what else... When she insisted we had to be up by 7:30am today, I said nope I will NOT be awake by 7:30... that she could get herself up get ready and wake me up by 8:15-8:30am (I really just wanted to get at least 8 hours sleep for once..k? Of course I didn't explain that to her because my mind was still processing everything I had to do and had agreed to do). She took it offensively...and stupid me got into defensive mode.... Anyway, ugh.. it was ALL SO STUPID! She got louder and louder... Mind you, it was after 11pm and we live in an apartment. I do not need us to be evicted because my teenage daughter cannot control the loudness of her voice. I don't want her to be meek like I was as a child, but ...wow..there has to be a middle ground. She needs to discuss without yelling. And also realize that sometimes a mom or any person saying NO means there is nothing more to discuss. She wasn't hearing me. When I thought I made myself clear (that she could get up at 7:30am get ready and wake me up at 8:15-8:30ish and I could take her) she was onto "discussing" something else. Like why was I so mad! I really have no idea. In fact I didn't even know I was coming across as angry.. Was I? (I'm asking myself that.... or was it a teenage way of trying to manipulate ?) So it turned into what needed to be resolved was not her going to muck stalls today, but her saying she cooks dinner when I work, I don't run them around as much as I used to since I have the second job, that I make agreements and then get angry when reminded... I, as the parent, need not to be sucked into the "din"....but I was
and I am still feeling mucky over it today. I am angry at myself of how I handled it. I should never tell girl child she is acting like one of my autistic students. I do not mean that she is autistic..but gosh her voice goes into the tone that one of my students has and it shatters any coherency I might have possessed in that moment). Also, me making suggestions when the girl child is angry (like.. okay, we obviously need a calendar!) does nothing but put her into that "tone"... I use google calendars...but better yet is I bought a paper calendar the other day for this very reason...so ALL of us could input our activities/appts/work schedules on it so I can keep it straight.... Okay, I still feel bad about being pulled into the din.. and after repeatedly asking/telling my girl child to lower her voice, that her going on and on and finding new things to go on and on about in a LOUD OBNOXIOUS voice that she was sounding autistic (which of course made her sound worse! DUH!) ....but I also realize she wanted to argue. She wanted to be angry. Her saying she wanted to discuss why I was angry must be her projecting??? First things first.. I will hang up the paper calendar..but am also thinking I will get a calendar whiteboard where we can write things for the month... Then I'm thinking ..should I look into therapy for my kids? Do I need therapy? or at least lessons on how to be an effective parent who pushes and enables my kids to strive rather than burden them with issues..I also want them to be self accountable. How we behave DOES have consequences...And many times how OTHERS behave affects us. Divorce really shook our reality. Or at least it did mine. It's important for children to be loved and valued by both parents...but it is also okay to not like how ones' parents are. It's okay to be angry. The biggest piece of being okay is self-acceptance, self-love, and being the type of person we want to be. We aren't who we are because of how our parents, peers, family acts. We have so much self power. That's what I need my kids to understand. First and foremost, respect yourself, be kind to yourself, be self accountable. Also forgive yourself! and forgive others... Yeah, I'm feeling a bit better now.... I honestly love my children more than life itself. I hope they know that. I mean really know that.. Loving someone does not mean being a door mat for them though.
