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94 Female from Oregon City       225
         

Steam......

Is it just stress or am I losing steam? I literally feel panicky inside ...and it's stupid. I hate this!
I'm totally okay with people not liking me... I'm not okay with me not liking me.... but why? Why I am in this self-loathing mode?
I wonder how bad would it be to just quit job #2... I feel like running... hiding.... but there's no where to run or hide. I could use a hug...but haha those are nonexistent too.... I need to escape... I don't want to be hurt, trod upon.... I can't do this.. I need a new plan. I need hope. I need to feel alive... And it's not that I feel totally hopeless..but I"m running out of steam. I'm feeling like a failure this moment. I can't socialize or people will see me for the nothing I am.. Yeah, that's a real fear. They already see me as "adorable".. :: sigh :::: which might be worse than being nothing lol.. Idk.. How can I be so stupid? How could I not see that I am looked down on? Honestly, it doesn't matter.. F them! If they can't be nice, F them! I'm going to be how I am... It's just how it is. I'm pulling myself out of this funk immediately! No more panic! and if I do feel panic, so what? right??? They don't have to know! I need sleep. I need to pull myself into a better mindset. I need an attitude adjustment! I need to figure out how to not end up homeless......without the help of others.... I'm scared