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43 Happily married Male from St. Louis       342
         
Crash
Crash: THE TEN COMMANDMENTS ARE UTTER WANK

(1) YOU SHALL HAVE NO OTHER GODS BEFORE ME

Firstly, ignoring the fact that this commandment clearly implies that there are "Other God's", within a Judeo-Christian belief system that is monotheistic by definition...why has Yahweh (God) decided to waste an entire commandment on an authoritarian dictat that seems to revolve entirely around his own lack of self-esteem?

This is an entity that we are encouraged to believe is "Perfect" in every one of its faculties. So, is there any particular reason as to why he demonstrats such a petty human emotion in his very first commandment? Aren't we supposed to expect more?

Moreover, even more ironically; doesn't this imply that if you were to worship another God, that Yahweh would essentially covet that worship? Isn't that ironic?

(2) THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UNTO THEE, ANY GRAVEN IMAGES

Firstly, ignoring the fact that this is another commandment revolving around God being a petty jealous teenager...is someone prepared to politely pull the Catholics to one side for a minute and explain that this is actually a thing? Because they seem to be flagrantly ignoring this one. I guess Christian-art is a tad dull without the occasional bit of idolatry. But hey-ho

But...looking beyond that, and pointing out a tangible and irreconcilable bit of hypocrisy...I would like to point out that the bit of the bible that Hollywood chose not to portray with Charlton Heston, was the fact that 10 minutes after this particular dictat was etched onto stone tablets...Moses made his way down Mount Sinai, only to discover the Jews worshipping a golden calf.

Ignoring the fact that they seem to have forged it surprisingly quickly from the confines of a remote desert...Moses commanded that men marched a thousand paces in all directions and basically murder everyone they saw; just to say sorry for all those golden calves they'd worshipped. Which clearly seems fair. Especially considering that this is a benevolent super-wizard that clearly loves us.

(3) THOU SHALT NOT TAKE THE LORDS NAME IN VEIN.

Ok...Can we be a little bit more specific? Because this one's a tad vague. What's God's name? Is it Yahweh? Elohim? Jehovah? God? Gary? Because let's face it...even if we are to play it safe and avoid all of them...is this predicated on intent? Because if I say: "God knows"...what I actually mean is "Nobody knows". So, is that in vein?

If these laws are supposed to be:

1) Important
2) Perfect

is it really so unreasonable to assume that they'd be clear? Because God seems to be about as vague as an estate-agent selling a flat beside a railway line during a national strike.

(4) REMEMBER THE SABBATH, AND KEEP IT HOLY

Ok, it's nice to have a day off occasionally, but this one's a tad vague as well. Are there terms and conditions? Coz what the fuck does "Keep it holy" mean? Can I have a wank? Do I have to pray constantly? Am I morally obligated to eat fish? Eat nothing? Is Church optional? Do I have to actually watch songs of praise? Or do I merely have to support the fact that they still play it?

Is it Saturday or Sunday? Nobody seems to agree on this one! I was always raised to think if was Sunday (Largely because that's when 'Songs Of Praise' is on) But there are these eccentric fuckers that insist it's Saturday. If I'm wrong...do I pass go? Do I collect £200? I hope so...coz this one really seems to be a stab in the dark.

Wish me luck.

(5) HONOUR THY MOTHER AND THY FATHER

Ok, I'll give this one the credit it seems to deserve, by it seeming pretty reasonable and borderline axiomatic. But, I only really assume that because my parents are relatively decent people.

But what happens if my father is Joseph Fritzl? Am I expected to respect my parents if they occasionally rape me? What if they flagrantly break the other rules on this list? Am I suppose to respect them, even if they don't respect you? Is this a grey area? Why are there grey areas? I thought this was suppose to be perfect? This list fucking sucks!

I think it's quite reasonable to assume that respecting ones parents depends largely on the conduct and behaviour of ones parents? Does God expect me to be tacitly complicit in the crimes of my parents....but if I refuse to comply in their crimes: Isn't that disrespectful?

I'm so confused!!!!!

(6) THOU SHALT NOT KILL

This one seems pretty reasonable I suppose. But I have a couple of questions.

1) Why did you command Moses to force jews to walk in every direction killing eachother for breaking commandment No. 2, if this one is suppose to be taken seriously?

2) What if someone is trying to kill me? Do we just cuddle it out?

3) Loads of people seem to be killing in your name. Are they all wrong...or just some of them?

4) Does this extend to creatures that I don't know I've killed, or certainly didn't intend to kill? Because if you wanted this-one to be seriosuly avoided...I guess you shouldn't have put an average of 9759 insects per square foot.

Let's face it....you've made this one a fucking nightmare to take adhere to. Do we all have to gingerly walk around like a bunch of delicate nancies...just to avoid killing things that you clearly didn't give us good enough eye-sight to see? You incensitive sky-wanker!!!

(7) THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY

I guess this one's ok. I'm pretty happy with this one to be honest. I've been cheated on, and it's not a nice experiance. But once again...can we be a bit more specific?

What if I'm trying to spice up the marriage, and the Mrs gives 'Swinging' the green light? Is it only nefarious adultery? Or is consensual ok? Can I sext?

What about if I send a dick-pic to an unsuspecting married woman? Has she commited adultery if she smiles; or only if she reciprocate's? What if she sends back a laughing emoji? Is that adultery? Or is she merely mocking my junk?

(8) THOU SHALT NOT STEAL

ok, what if it's stolen from me? Is it still stealing if I steal it back? Where exactly do you stand on property God? Coz the new testament comes across borderline communist!!!

If I tell the police to find something that was stolen from me...are they "Stealing" by actually solving that crime? Coz that totally up-ends our criminal justice system God.

I'm gunna be honest God, I assume you havnt thought these through...coz they fucking suck.

(9) THOU SHALT NOT BARE FALSE WITNESS

Ok, we all hate being lied too. But, let's face it....that depends largely on the context and intent doesn't it. If my manager asks me if she looks good in her new jumper....am I theologically bound to inform her that she looks like a fat cunt? Because I'll be honest...I'm well on board with that.

(10) THOU SHALT NOT COVET

Alright God...we're into thought-crime territory now. Which seems a little pernicious for an entity that I'm required to assume is "Omnibenevolent".

If I'm jealous of something somebody else has....is that not technically your fault? Coz...let's face it buddy...if I'm being judged for inwardly expressing an emotion that you clearly gave me...doesn't that basically make you a cruel kid with a magnifying glass on a hot day, tormenting an ant hill?

Are you genuinely intending to give off this heavy Kim-Jong-Un vibe, with your divine North Korea rules. Because despite the rules leading up to this one being demonstrably shit....I draw the line at thought crime.

I'm going to assume this is your first time God, and that you're perhaps some sort of divine intern. Because let's be honest here pal....not only are these rules utter wank. But they largely contradict each other!!!!



Not mine.....found it on a random forum page on FB ....but OH how accurate and hilarious it is......All credit to original author!!
5 years ago ReplyReport Link Collapse Show Comments (3)
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Petra Cotes
Petra Cotes: Oh wow
5 years ago ReplyReport
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tstarr8481
tstarr8481: Great post !!
5 years ago ReplyReport
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Uncle Geo
Uncle Geo: The first commandment compltetly contradicts the first amendment to the American constitution of to any idiot American who claims that America was founded on Judeo Christian values you're a f**king moron.
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