Food for the Heart

Many have heard the native belief of the two wolves in your heart. I believe that that is close only there isn't wolves of love and hate that you feed. I believe that love and hate are the food that you feed the heart itself. And each has their own effects on the tri-parts of the self: the body, the mind, and the soul.

Love is a radiant light that shines out across the universe. It brings warmth, light, and life wherever it goes. When it is fed to your heart is is like heath food it brings harmony to all parts of body, mind, and soul. And it is a truly glorious feeling everything seems to work properly and the bonds between body mind and soul seem to strengthen under this pure nourishment.

Hate however is a smoldering fire that glows faintly but gives off a lot of heat. Like life it brings warmth but it is the heat that causes destructive fire. When fed to your heart it is like junk food it brings basic nourishment but it brings disharmony to mind and body and slow death to the soul. The flare ups feel good like a sugar high but the overall effect is a slow dissolution of the self.

A prolonged diet of hate has dire consequences it becomes like a nicotine addiction you want the feeling of normalcy it seems to give but eventually you want it to end. So you look to feed yourself love and it hits your system and it feels great better than anything you have felt in a long time. But it causes an allergic reaction of confusion and fear. The confusion is because the tri-parts of the self are put together again and they have forgotten their old harmony. You can't seem to focus and you stumble over the most minor things, your though processes become jumbled and you lose clarity of thought. Then comes fear. You don't fear the one that is bringing love back into your heart you fear what will happen if the love goes away again will the old nourishment of hate still sustain you. And upon this person bringing love back into your heart a heavy burden is placed for they are the ones who truly suffer during this period of adjustment. They are the ones who must try to understand that while they are wanted and desired, they are also mistrusted and feared for what they will do to you. Your desire and need pulls them towards you while mistrust and fear makes you turn away from them because you are afraid that when (there are no if's in this irrational fear) they leave the distance will soften the pain that will follow. For someone who subsides on hate know all about pain and the dire consequences associated with it. And soon it becomes a perverse dance of you pulling them towards you as you so desperately desire and you turning your back to them to avoid the pain of their rejection. This will elicit one of two responses. The far more common one (for there are few out there with the fortitude to deal with this situation) is where the bringer of love turns from you as well thus validating the fear and allowing the self to return to the normal patterns it has become familiar with. The other is far less common the bringer of love stays and battles your confusion and fear because they truly want you as much as you want them. It will be a long battle as the self casts off the damage of hate and the confusion fades as the tri-parts begin to work together again, and the fear fades as focus and clarity return. Thus healed you can move on to a much enriched and far more fulfilling life from then on.

The Horror of Loneliness

A WARNING: To those who wish to read this blog, this will go to the deepest darkest parts of my soul, you will see many things about me that you may find horrible and offensive I apologize in advance and ask that you take this with a grain of salt. Also I'm writing this from the viewpoint of a heterosexual male but I understand that the other gender and sexual orientations can add their own pronouns as they see fit.

Now I think of the horror of loneliness and what it does to people. Well I'll be honest it's what it does to me.

First of all you feel a coldness with in that nothing can warm up you find yourself shivering on the warmest days. You see others holding hands as they walk by and a seething anger explodes within you like a wild fire. The deep hopelessness in a crowded room. Feelings like that are hard but the inadequacy cuts the deepest, that feeling that you aren't good enough or some kind of failure that leaves you a blubbering mass on the floor. But the most frightening is the irrational anger you feel towards people who have done nothing to deserve it.

People thing that loneliness is a minor petty thing that is easily alleviated with the company of friends. And when it starts that's what it is small and insignificant but over time it grows as your friends one by one find comfort in the arms of a lover who becomes a partner. You are increasingly becoming part of a smaller minority you are invited to events and parties because they are you friends. Each event you go to (and you do go because they are your friends and you want to see them) serves as a reminder that you are more and more an outsider. This leads to one of the most terrifying aspects of loneliness that you begin to feel a jealous rage towards those who are closest to you. When you recognize that feeling you know that your heart has become corrupted and the battle for soul has begun.

It begins to build when you friends come to you for advice on their relationships. Your mind knows the truth and still seeks to offer solace to them in their tribulation. But the now corrupted heart puts forward an evil but still frighteningly true statement, then mind resists the urge to just shout “Shut the fuck up you whiny ass bitch. Do you know what I would give for a tenth of what you have.” The mind wins almost all of the time but the thought is still there, and your friends still need someone to talk to so you bear your private burden and help them. The worst are you friends who are poly-amorous and they come to you with issues that they have with multiple partners, now your fight the urge to just beat them bloody because of the sheer arrogance they have to wave their multiple partners in the face of some one who doesn't even have one. And the war between the understanding logical mind that allows others to have their choices and the selfish irrationally emotional heart that doesn't give a rats ass about other people goes into overdrive. There are signals that can be observed these visual ques are hard to spot in the case of the monogamous relationship woes usually a much put upon sigh that escapes at the beginning of the conversation. The more noticeable is the the reaction to the poly-amorous woes that is a definite physical reaction like a twitch in the bicep denoting the urge to physically lash out.

The process compounds at parties where you watch the others hold each other in innocent affection and you ache for that simple feeling. The comes the action you curse the most your female friends see you and they take pity upon you and hug you. You lack the courage to tell them that their pity has helped assuage the craving for contact it has fed the rage, because you see it as a halfhearted gesture to the lonely ass freak in the corner. And the corrupted heart hates them even more for their kindness. Many think that for the lonely the worst holidays are Valentines Day and Christmas. They aren't Christmas is about family yes but it can and often does include extended family, Valentines Day has become so corporate as to be meaningless. No the worst holiday for the lonely is New Years Eve or more precisely the moment New Years Eve becomes New Years Day. Many of you won't get it so I'll tell you it's the kiss. When you are sitting in a room with five couples and as the ball drops they enter into long passionate kisses you feel a bile rising in the back of your throat. You turn and walk out of the house and head down to the park, the cold winter air feels good on your burning skin the cacophony of horns drowns out the the choking inhalations as you force the bile back down you throat. Until you reach the park and in the first bush you find your fury explodes in a vomit of bile and what ever you have consumed up till then when there is no more in you to expel you fall back to the swings and sit fighting the bitter tears of shame and trying to regain your composure. Then nearly an hour later two of your buddies come by because the finally noticed that you were gone you can't really blame them but it still hurts that it took them that long to notice your absence.

Although it is your heart and mind at war it is your soul that pays the price. What price you may ask well let's look at the the progression of the soul through this battle. First lets start with an innocent caring soul lacking guile and malice. It has been sheltered by those who love it because it is truly beautiful in it's innocence, but then it is unleashed into the harsh world full of cruelty and malice. The soul is unprepared for the world it's kindness and naivete are now weapons that the cruel and the malicious use to torment and ostracize the kind souls because they cannot bear it's purity. And for over a decade the soul is beaten, scarred, and tormented left alone until it slowly changes into some thing monstrous. Soft kind eyes have become squinted with mistrust, they glow with an envious light that pulsates in fury. The smooth cheeks bear the tracks of many bitter tears that can now no longer fall for the ducts are now dry because there are no more tears to shed. The once smiling mouth has been twisted into a sneering scowl with the traces of bile still on the lips. The throat heaves as breathing has become difficult burned with the acidic bile from deep within. The once tall and straight back is now bent with emotional pain that has slowly manifested as physical pain in the stomach. The lungs wheeze as they struggle to breath to continue the function of feeding life into a body that doesn't see a need for life anymore. A once shining heart full of kindness and love, is now black and drips with malice and hate. The belly is now riddled with the pain of suppressed fury and unreciprocated feelings now churns and bubbles with bile. Once soft hands whose only desire was to bring help to others have twisted in to claws desiring only to rend and bring pain to others. Legs that once stood as pillars proudly holding the body up are now bent and eagerly awaiting the opportunity to smash all beauty out of existence. But deep within this monstrosity is a small point of the original soul, it flickers in pain as the beast feeds upon it.

The little spark still reaches out for comfort but the horror drives others away with it's cruelty and malice ensuring it's continued existence. The monstrous horror protects the little piece of innocent desire ferociously keeping any outside force from extinguishing it completely and thus nullifying its fuel source for all time. And thus the cycle is perpetuated the spark calls for companionship but the horror drives it away keeping the lonely forever alone until drastic steps are taken to break the cycle.

But that will have to wait for another time.

Musings on Solitude

I was thinking about solitude last night and what it means to me. Solitude for me is a conscious effort to be alone with my mind. It must be absolute like a meditative trance where nothing and no one can interfere. Sadly I often think of the misconceptions that many people have about solitude that they confuse it with loneliness. In the end it is just you and your own mind.
For me solitude is a condition that is sought for self-awareness and self-evaluation. I feel bad for my friends and family when they try to join me on my sojourns. They just don't understand that their presence while soothing is detrimental to my purpose. For I must stand alone before the harshest judge of all...myself. Nothing and no one is a harsher judge of you than you. And when a friend or loved one is with you, you tend to use their presence as a shield, and that just does not allow for growth. For you must stand and be scoured by your own self-loathing to come to terms with your position in life. You must bear witness to all of your memories and take the scathing rage you have over poor decisions and an inability to read a situation better. For no matter how embarrassing it is for you to hear the laughter of others, the scorn you have for yourself cuts deeper. And as you burn your way through your memories and each one smashes your delusional ego you come to the realization of the truth of the matter. That there was nothing you could have done to change was has happened, and all you can do is live with the consequences.
At other times you're coming to make a life altering choice and you need that time to talk to you the person who knows you the best, YOU. As you sit alone in your own thoughts you ask yourself if the change is truly worth it and can you handle it. If you are patient enough to stay in your solitude you get the right answer, for again you must push through your delusional ego and see to the truth of yourself. And again that is a hard thing to do with friend or lover next to you for they feed you ego that you can do a thing when deep down past the egotistical bravado you know your not yet ready. And often times during the earliest stages of the change you must return to that solitude as a way of reinforcing the choice that you have made.
In the end the difference between solitude and loneliness is the fact that one is the choice of the individual and the other is trust upon them by others. Although Solitude is good for mental health the other is a soul destroying condition that I will delve into at a later date.

The Flow of Eternity

I was out walking not to long ago on a path by the river. I stoped at a wooden observation pier and looked out and let my mind relax and let myself dwell upon my solitude. The first thing I felt was the heat of the sun it pierced every part of me and tried to fill me but I was still empty. The heat and exercise had raised a film of sweat that sought to cool me with it's caress, but it did nothing but remind me that there was no true cooling touch to take away my heat. Though the hot air was mostly stagnant and opressive occasionally a warm breeze would blow across neck and shoulders trying in vain to soothe my solitude but with no words it was meaningless. Breathing deeply I glanced upward into that perfect field of azure and felt truely miniscule beneath it's majesty. Bringing my gaze downward again I saw the far bank to the south of me, and I wondered if there was anyone else looking across that barrier of silt strewn water as I was.
Then I looked down at the slow moving river beneath me and a strange feeling of peace washed over me. I looked to the east upriver to the Rocky Moutains soaring above me, and I remembered that in the begining eveything sits so high up, your dreams, your expectations, and even your desires. The purity and innocent simplicity of those heights stay with us in our core just like the river. But as we flow through time and life we gather things we did not intend that corrupts the pure water and the simplicity of the path. As the debris of on the edges of our flow fall in and slow our pace causing us to meader to avoid the obsticles that seek to halt our journey taking us away from simplicity of stright forward movement into a complex weave that gets more confusing as it goes along. Then I turned to the west and the end of the journey this where the river meets the sea. I found comfort in that as I knew the river would cease it's struggles and sink into something greater and all the debris from it's flow from the mountains would fall away and it could be just water again. and I looked down at the gurgling flow and I felt a comfort that somethings just happen as the water flows out to the sea. I walked away from the river comforted that it has flowed there since before I was born and will contiue to do so long after I was dust, for the moment of my life is nothing compared to the flow of eternity.