Dunedain77 Offline

The Horror of Loneliness

A WARNING: To those who wish to read this blog, this will go to the deepest darkest parts of my soul, you will see many things about me that you may find horrible and offensive I apologize in advance and ask that you take this with a grain of salt. Also I'm writing this from the viewpoint of a heterosexual male but I understand that the other gender and sexual orientations can add their own pronouns as they see fit.

Now I think of the horror of loneliness and what it does to people. Well I'll be honest it's what it does to me.

First of all you feel a coldness with in that nothing can warm up you find yourself shivering on the warmest days. You see others holding hands as they walk by and a seething anger explodes within you like a wild fire. The deep hopelessness in a crowded room. Feelings like that are hard but the inadequacy cuts the deepest, that feeling that you aren't good enough or some kind of failure that leaves you a blubbering mass on the floor. But the most frightening is the irrational anger you feel towards people who have done nothing to deserve it.

People thing that loneliness is a minor petty thing that is easily alleviated with the company of friends. And when it starts that's what it is small and insignificant but over time it grows as your friends one by one find comfort in the arms of a lover who becomes a partner. You are increasingly becoming part of a smaller minority you are invited to events and parties because they are you friends. Each event you go to (and you do go because they are your friends and you want to see them) serves as a reminder that you are more and more an outsider. This leads to one of the most terrifying aspects of loneliness that you begin to feel a jealous rage towards those who are closest to you. When you recognize that feeling you know that your heart has become corrupted and the battle for soul has begun.

It begins to build when you friends come to you for advice on their relationships. Your mind knows the truth and still seeks to offer solace to them in their tribulation. But the now corrupted heart puts forward an evil but still frighteningly true statement, then mind resists the urge to just shout “Shut the fuck up you whiny ass bitch. Do you know what I would give for a tenth of what you have.” The mind wins almost all of the time but the thought is still there, and your friends still need someone to talk to so you bear your private burden and help them. The worst are you friends who are poly-amorous and they come to you with issues that they have with multiple partners, now your fight the urge to just beat them bloody because of the sheer arrogance they have to wave their multiple partners in the face of some one who doesn't even have one. And the war between the understanding logical mind that allows others to have their choices and the selfish irrationally emotional heart that doesn't give a rats ass about other people goes into overdrive. There are signals that can be observed these visual ques are hard to spot in the case of the monogamous relationship woes usually a much put upon sigh that escapes at the beginning of the conversation. The more noticeable is the the reaction to the poly-amorous woes that is a definite physical reaction like a twitch in the bicep denoting the urge to physically lash out.

The process compounds at parties where you watch the others hold each other in innocent affection and you ache for that simple feeling. The comes the action you curse the most your female friends see you and they take pity upon you and hug you. You lack the courage to tell them that their pity has helped assuage the craving for contact it has fed the rage, because you see it as a halfhearted gesture to the lonely ass freak in the corner. And the corrupted heart hates them even more for their kindness. Many think that for the lonely the worst holidays are Valentines Day and Christmas. They aren't Christmas is about family yes but it can and often does include extended family, Valentines Day has become so corporate as to be meaningless. No the worst holiday for the lonely is New Years Eve or more precisely the moment New Years Eve becomes New Years Day. Many of you won't get it so I'll tell you it's the kiss. When you are sitting in a room with five couples and as the ball drops they enter into long passionate kisses you feel a bile rising in the back of your throat. You turn and walk out of the house and head down to the park, the cold winter air feels good on your burning skin the cacophony of horns drowns out the the choking inhalations as you force the bile back down you throat. Until you reach the park and in the first bush you find your fury explodes in a vomit of bile and what ever you have consumed up till then when there is no more in you to expel you fall back to the swings and sit fighting the bitter tears of shame and trying to regain your composure. Then nearly an hour later two of your buddies come by because the finally noticed that you were gone you can't really blame them but it still hurts that it took them that long to notice your absence.

Although it is your heart and mind at war it is your soul that pays the price. What price you may ask well let's look at the the progression of the soul through this battle. First lets start with an innocent caring soul lacking guile and malice. It has been sheltered by those who love it because it is truly beautiful in it's innocence, but then it is unleashed into the harsh world full of cruelty and malice. The soul is unprepared for the world it's kindness and naivete are now weapons that the cruel and the malicious use to torment and ostracize the kind souls because they cannot bear it's purity. And for over a decade the soul is beaten, scarred, and tormented left alone until it slowly changes into some thing monstrous. Soft kind eyes have become squinted with mistrust, they glow with an envious light that pulsates in fury. The smooth cheeks bear the tracks of many bitter tears that can now no longer fall for the ducts are now dry because there are no more tears to shed. The once smiling mouth has been twisted into a sneering scowl with the traces of bile still on the lips. The throat heaves as breathing has become difficult burned with the acidic bile from deep within. The once tall and straight back is now bent with emotional pain that has slowly manifested as physical pain in the stomach. The lungs wheeze as they struggle to breath to continue the function of feeding life into a body that doesn't see a need for life anymore. A once shining heart full of kindness and love, is now black and drips with malice and hate. The belly is now riddled with the pain of suppressed fury and unreciprocated feelings now churns and bubbles with bile. Once soft hands whose only desire was to bring help to others have twisted in to claws desiring only to rend and bring pain to others. Legs that once stood as pillars proudly holding the body up are now bent and eagerly awaiting the opportunity to smash all beauty out of existence. But deep within this monstrosity is a small point of the original soul, it flickers in pain as the beast feeds upon it.

The little spark still reaches out for comfort but the horror drives others away with it's cruelty and malice ensuring it's continued existence. The monstrous horror protects the little piece of innocent desire ferociously keeping any outside force from extinguishing it completely and thus nullifying its fuel source for all time. And thus the cycle is perpetuated the spark calls for companionship but the horror drives it away keeping the lonely forever alone until drastic steps are taken to break the cycle.

But that will have to wait for another time.