iamaheartofgold Offline

47 In a relationship Male from Delray Beach       169
i will never be happy......i am miserable and suffering......I HATE being single....i am very very lonely....i HATE my life.......i HATE the place where i live.......women will not date me because of my disabilities and where i live......i live in a group home....my disabilities are aspergers and depression and anxiety and learning disability...i have serious trust issues ...it has to do with where i live and also of what my x and her family did to me .......you have to understand where i am coming from ....i had a g/f for 10 months,...it was a relationship for 7 months then got engaged for 3 months...her sister ruined the relationship caused world war 3 ..my life has been beyond horrible the last 12 months april 2017 of the breakup .....i am beyond torn apart from it .....i use to enjoy life...not anymore since the breakup ;;;i do not enjoy anything anymore.....i do not go out anymore...all i do is sit in this group home and suffer.....i am gonna just die in this group home while suffering and be miserable and alone................i am single and looking.....i have a huge heart...i am friendly ...i am loyal and honest and faithful....i am very loving and very caring.....i have a weird and quirky sense of humor ....i am a pest and a pain in the ass......i want a woman that will stand up for me if any of your family members tries to break me and you up and cause world war 3 in the relationship....i will also stand up to them if they try anything.....i will stand up for you if any of my family members tries to break you and me up and cause world war 3...i just want the misery and suffering to go away........i just want to be happy ......... i am miserable and suffering all the time..everyday and all day....i just want it to go away....that is allllllll i want ....i am sick and tired of living like this everyday......this video will explain my disability .... YouTube .....this is the movie that i want to see it is about my disability YouTube

iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ....9-28-2020 ....11:27am ......this is what happens to me when i am mistreated or yelled at or anything..........Asperger’s and the Silent Treatment, aka Trapped in Your Own Head..............When I get really upset, I can’t speak. Literally, I can’t speak. I am sure this is immensely frustrating for my husband – God bless him – but I don’t know if I can ever explain just how horrible it is for me, too.

It can start with a stupid argument or minor annoyance that just builds and builds inside me until I’m really upset – it can be either the mad or sad variety of upset. It can start out so logically, where there’s an identifiable trigger. But like an explosive meltdown – which may or may not have an irrational (or even discernible) cause – I can get completely trapped in my own head and unable to speak. It’s called selective mutism.

It’s not that I don’t want to say anything. I just can’t. I will have dozens of thoughts running through my head, things I want to say, words that want to pour out of me, but I physically can’t open my mouth. Or if I do manage to get my mouth open, I can’t make my voice work. No sound comes out. It’s sort of terrifying, and so it upsets me further, and so it gets harder and harder to just say something. The tears are often pouring out of me as this is happening. Sometimes I wonder if this is what it’s like to have the nonverbal variety of autism. Do nonverbal people have this burning need to talk, to tell someone what is going on inside their heads, but they are just unable to do so? How incredibly maddening. I can’t bear it when it rears its head for 10 minutes.Perhaps the strangest thing is what breaks me out of it: permission.

The permission isn’t literal. But when I’m stuck in a silence loop, I need Tom to ask me a question that I can answer. It can’t be complex, like, “What’s going on?” or “How are you feeling?” The words won’t come out. I’ve tried. I’ve hurt my throat trying to talk before my brain said, “Go.” But if he can ask me a simple yes or no question, like, “Are you ready to talk?” That’s what I need.

Of course, it doesn’t always work. I can’t be stuck too deep in the loop. If he tries to draw me out before I’m ready, it doesn’t happen. Sometimes, he tries to talk to me, realizes it isn’t going to happen…and then just lies there next to me as I’m curled up in the fetal position in bed for the next 20 or 30 minutes before he tries again. Sometimes, this is exactly what I need. Sometimes, I’m desperate after five minutes for him to say something again, and completely unable to do anything about it.

I’m sure this sounds ridiculous to many people. I mean, how hard can it be to say a few words to your husband, the man you love more than anyone else in the world?

It can be infinitely hard.

Sometimes, as I’m ruminating about whatever set me off in the first place, I have all of those thoughts in my head alongside something like this:

“I just have to get it out, get it out. Say something. Say something, dammit. Oh God. Talk to me, please talk to me. If you talk to me, I can tell you, tell you what’s in my head. I can’t talk, I can’t say anything, please say something to me. I’m going crazy, this is crazy, Oh my God. Oh God. Gotta say something. Gotta talk. Want to scream. I could scream forever, but I can’t even open my mouth. Oh please, say something, let me talk. Talk to me, why won’t you talk to me? Please, just ask me a question. Help me. Please help me…”

I find myself blaming him for not giving me an opening to talk again, but it’s not his fault. When he does try, he’s sometimes “rewarded” with me burying my face in the pillow, covering my head with the blanket, or renewed sobs when I’d started to settle down. How is he to know? It’s not his fault.

How can I be physically unable to do something one moment, but able to do so the next, if and only if my husband talks to me first? I don’t know. I don’t understand. It doesn’t make sense. And I hate it.

This is one of the reasons I write so much. Speaking…it doesn’t come easily to me. When I have something I need to talk to Tom about, it’s infinitely easier for me to write it down, although I hope that’s not too impersonal for him…

I don’t know if this is a common Asperger’s trait or if it’s unique to me. I’d love to hear from other Aspies to see if they end up giving people the silent treatment without actually wanting to.
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Gayle04
Gayle04: sorry things are hard for you right now
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: Here is what a horse fly looks like in Florida this thing is huge ....
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Gayle04
Gayle04: On the jersey shore you can ride the horse flies
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Aalapsye
Aalapsye: Lol Gayle
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iamaheartofgold
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ......9-10-2020 ....8:17pm ........here is what i would like to share ....i live in a group home .....i had a housemate that we lived in the same house but we both had to move because of a psycho ......now me and her live in different houses.....she just told me today ....the 2 staff....residential housing staff and day program staff...both of them had a meeting with my friend ....they took her food stamp card away from her .....i told her that is against the law what they did and to report them for it .....the only people who can take your food stamp card away is the food stamp benefits .....i am beyond pissed about this .....the group home is just extremely shady of the things they do here to us ...the group home needs to be investigated .......i think i will call the food stamp benefits on friday to report the group home for what they did .....they will get in serious trouble for it ....my friend has a serious medical condition ...ulcer colitis ...she needs a special diet for it ......she can not eat the meals the group home serves....if she eats that food she gets really sick ..that is why she has a food stamp card ......because of her medical condition ......my friend told her brother about this ..he is goin to be taking care of it ......he is pretty pissed about it ....he might get a lawyer ....i will update this when i find out more info ....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: It is against the law of what they did ... they threatened to kick her out or give them the food stamp card .... it’s against the law what they did
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold to gguentherregina3: why are you sending me friend requests ....what do you want from me ...i have absolutely nothing that you want ....
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gguentherregina3
gguentherregina3: Just wat to chat and that I'm not asking u for nothing
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ....8-31-2020....7:33pm.......i live in a group home .....me and my housemate we lived in a house here in the group home together .....we both had to move to different houses because of a psycho ..........my friend she takes care of a stray cat ...she has been taking care of the cat for a long time ....today at the back of that house the cat was laying there on the porch looking very ill ...was not able to walk or do anything ....so my friend took the cat to debbie russ the staff ..she took the cat to the vet ...in a couple of hours ...debbie said they had to put the cat to sleep ..the cat was very very very sick ...my friend is really sad about this .....
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mystieblue12
mystieblue12: What a pretty girl im so sorry they had to put the cat down honey that is always so painful for those that love them.
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ....8-30-2020....9:39pm ......i would like to share....i am just checkin on all my friends to see how all of you are doing ....i really hope all of you are safe and healthy and doing good..........
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things .....8-8-2020 ...10:54pm .....i am just checkin on all my friends .....to see how all of you are doing ...i hope all of you are safe and well and doing good.....................i am ok and safe ....
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mystieblue12
mystieblue12: Xoxoxoxo
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iamaheartofgold
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mystieblue12
mystieblue12: profound
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold to oaklynnc839: why are you sending me friend requests ...i do not know who you are ....i have absolutely nothing that you want .....stop sending me friend requests .....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold to daddylovermcm75: why are you sending me friend requests...i do not know who you are ...what do you want from me ....i have nothing that you want ....stop sending me friend requests .....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ...7:23-2020 ....8:44pm......i live in a group home ....i am really sorry that i have not been posting on here lately .....i have been having a lot of trouble here in the group home......there is something that has been goin on that is serious abuse and abuse of power by staff .......filed a complaint about it ...they said they are investigating it ...it has been been 4 or 5 days now ....there is no change in the situation........i will update everybody on this ....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things .7-19-2020 ....9:40pm............i live in a group home ..the things i want to talk about is the group home of the abuse and neglect that goes on here everyday.....the staff houses ..they kick the people out of those houses at 7:30am ..they are not allowed back in the house till 12pm.....the doors are locked ......those houses are locked at dinner time too and have to wait till 6pm till the houses are unlocked .....they have to stand outside in the hot hot heat......is that neglect or abuse or both.....the meals they serve here breakfast and lunch and dinner ...each meal you only get 1 choice of the meal they serve ...there is no alternative....they if you say the food is gross or wont eat it ....the staff basically tell you eat it or starve ....there are people here that have food allergies or vegan ...they dont have alternatives for those people .....is that neglect or abuse or both.........since the pandemic the virus ...we are not allowed to leave the property....we can make an appointment with a case manager to take us to walmart....the rules are we can not get any food at all...only snacks ...how unfair is that ......one staff personally takes 1 resident to target store and lets her get what she wants.....if we ask that 1 staff to take us somewhere....her answer is no ......how unfair is that ...that staff has favoritism for that one resident...the reason why is because that 1 resident is a snitch ......there is another resident that the same one staff favors ...that one staff lets that resident have her sister bring groceries here and drop it off for her ...how unfair is that ...if we ask to let our family drop food off ...that one staff says no.....there is 1 resident that lives here ..she can do whatever she wants ..they let her get away with it ........there is another resident that lives here and does whatever he wants.....the reason is because his family donates millions of dollars here to remodel the group home ....there is another resident that lives here ...they let him somewhat do what he wants ...he lives in a staff house ....since the pandemic they let him go stay with his brother because his brother donates thousands of dollars here to remodel the group home .....if we ask to go stay at our family's house ...they tell us no....how unfair is that ....i have heard that they are withholding some people's mail and opening it ....that is a federal offense and against the law ...there is a resident here during meals ..she eats like an animal....if you walk away from your plate she will grab it and eat it.....if you say something to staff about it they will turn the other way and let her get away with it ....also she asks for seconds ..they give it to her ...but when other people ask for seconds they say no....how unfair is that.....there is a resident that lives here he is a snitch ....the one staff buys him frosty's from wendy's all the time ....that staff kisses his ass ......there is a lot more of what i can say ...i can go on for weeks and months about the group home of what goes on here daily ...the abuse and neglect .....they treat us very very unfairly and abuse and neglect...... favoritism people and let people get away with things those select people ....the group home is run very very shady and dishonest ...the staff do not even know what the hell they are doing .....most of them probably do not even have a credential or a degree....the group home also does some illegal stuff and fraud too.....one day this group home is going to get sued really really bad for a lot of money or it will get exposed on the news or someday the group home will get shut down .....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ..7-17-2020 ...1:15pm .......i live in a group home ....i would like to know if this is abuse or not abuse ....today in group this is what happened ...they picked some people including me ....they are sayin we did not participate in group all week ....i guess doing the worksheets everyday and being in group and staying in group and doin exercises and walkin tuesday and thursday .is not participating .....what they made us do is do a worksheet the questions were ...why do you feel that you need to participate and what is participating and we also had to write an apology letter of not participating and had to write a 100 times i will participate 3 to 5 days a week.........is that abuse or not abuse .....each person that lives here in the group home have disabilities and handicaps and mental illnesses ....they punished some people because they did not participate in group home .......this is what they said of how to participate in group raise your hand and tell them what is on your sheet and hand out pencils and and worksheets..without being told to do it......there are reasons why people live in this group home ...is to get the help they need to get well and better ....not get treated like a piece of shit and abused......and punished because they did not participate .........these people are doin the best they can ....the 3 people that run group do not do anything to help us ...all they do is ask and select certain people to hand out the worksheets and pencils ....then the 3 that run the group do not go over the worksheet or anything ...dont talk about anything ....when you ask a question how do you spell a word or ask for help ..the staff get rude ...during group the 3 staff that run group all they do is sit and play on there phones and talk to each other .....the 3 staff that run group dont get us to do things to participate get people goin and dont get involved......so we get blamed and punished for not doin things ....when it is them that do nothing for us ...explain this to me so i understand ....i dont know if i am stupid or something ....what am i doin wrong ....i go to group 5 days a week i am always on time ...i do the worksheets everyday i do them as best as i can ....what more do they want from me ...when they do nothing for me to do better .....when they are the ones that are not helping ....i am the one who gets in trouble ..i sit there wondering what i did wrong ..i do what i am told ...why am i in trouble ....
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: mystieblue...i did find a day hab program ....there is one in florida ...it is 4 hours north of me ....its in orange park florida ......that is the only one in llorida
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mystieblue12
mystieblue12: Honey talk to your case care worker she would know where they are in your area and she would know the steps to take to get you into one.You are entitled to go to a day habilitation program Jason its part of what the state gives to you for free. Let me know what happens and WTG on your contacting your mom and sister I am really proud of you .By the way I forgot to mention that they give you breakfast and lunch too. My son goes to one and he loves it. You will make a lot of friends there and maybe even meet someone you could date but make sure to tell your case care worker that you want to go to one that has more people in your age group because if you don't you may get stuck with people a great deal older than you are. I know that I looked at a lot of pamphlets from many in my area before Eddies dad and I along with our son picked the one we all knew he would like. There should be many to choose from Jason and tell your case care worker that you want to be included in the process of choosing the right one for you.
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: what they did in group on friday july 17 ...that was very very unacceptable ...you dont do that in a group home ..where there are people who are mentally ill and disabled and has disabilities and handicaps and mentally challenged ......that is abuse ....you dont punish people like that by putting them in a small room and make them write an apology letter of what they did wrong ...when they have no idea what they did wrong....and making them write a 100 times i will participate in group 3 to 5 days a week..........forcing them to do it.......that is abuse ......i am very very upset for the way i was treated and so were the other 6 people in that room ....there was 1 person got acted out ...started cussing and threw a chair...then walked out ....the one staff said ohhh that happens .....the staff that did this ....the one staff that came up with the idea should be fired ...the 3 staff that run the group should also be fired .....the 3 staff that run the groups should have known better to do something like that ...a red flag should have gone up in there head sayin this is wrong .....all they were doin is bein told to do there job .....i dont even have a job or work..i know what they did was wrong..................there is goin to be some big changes in this group home of how group is run .....if other things happen in this group home there will be more big changes ......if this group home does not change the way its run ...someone is goin to be suing the group home or it will get shutdown ...
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold to Couple that has fun: why are you sending me friend requests .....what for ...i do not know who you are .....are you trying to get wireclub popular ...to get as many friends as possible .........quit sending me friend requests.......
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iamaheartofgold
iamaheartofgold: i would like to share things ......7-10-2020 ....6:20pm ...i am just checkin on all my friends to see how all of you are doing ...i really hope all of you are safe and well ......i am safe and doin ok ..........
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NawtySpankableWench
NawtySpankableWench: I'm ok...All things considered.
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DAME_FREDDIE
DAME_FREDDIE: we are fine hope u are too
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kneelingprincess
kneelingprincess: ~ xoxoxo
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