I'm terrified

So over the last nearly 20 months, my mind has been slipping. My memory seems like its made of swiss cheese...and it just gets more holes in it every day. I can't read an analogue clock. I can't recognize groupings of more than three objects. I have a major case of missing noun syndrome. I'm substituting words in sentences with words that don't make sense. I'm not thinking quickly on my feet...or on my ass for that matter. I'm not able to do simple addition and subtraction in my head anymore. I can't remember lists...sometimes of even TWO items.

Before, when I was having a fat day, or a bad hair day, at least I could still say I was smart. I had a good brain. I had a great vocabulary. I had knowledge in my head that few other people did.

I can't say that any more. And it just keeps getting worse as time goes on. I'm truly terrified that not only is whatever is wrong with me going to take away everything I enjoyed doing physically, but it's going to take away everything I enjoyed doing mentally as well.

I'm terrified that I'm losing ME.

I've considered going to a counselor, but what good would it do? I mean, how many ways can I say this is scaring the hell out of me? That I'm losing myself, and I can't figure out how to stop it?

Already put this in a status, but wanted it in a more permanent place...

Update on cardio visit:

Had an EKG as standard operating procedure. The EKG showed some abnormalities that could have indicated that I'd had a heart attack at some point, so he ordered an echo. Started going over symptoms with him, and things seemed to be going well. Then someone had a heart attack in the hallway and he had to run out to deal with him until the paramedics got there. Meanwhile, they shuffled me off to the echo. By the time that was done, the doc had pretty much run out of time for me. He did have the tech do blood pressures (but not pulse) while I was laying, sitting, and standing, but of course, my wonky body did what normal people's bodies would have done, not what it usually does. Figures. I did see him for a few minutes, and he ordered a stress test and a monitor that I'll have to wear for 48 hours. I was disheartened at the end of the visit when he basically said a few of the symptoms couldn't be my heart, when I know damn well it can (such as brain fog, caused by poor circulation and lack of oxygen to the brain when I stand up, etc.). But it's not surprising...many docs aren't educated about various dysautonomic conditions because they are so rare. He also said he didn't think my heart was the problem, but that we'd run those tests to be sure. The one thing he DID do was put down on paper (ok, computer file) that I should not drive. That might be helpful when applying again for disability, at least. I'll go back Feb 4 for the stress test and to have the monitor put on. See him again on Feb 17. That's the deal so far.

This is why I think I'm screwed...

Ok, so y'all know I'm dizzy. And some of you know that I've got some temp issues. But here's a bigger list of crap, crap, and more crap. I'm pretty sure I have something called autonomic dysfunction (likely a variety postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome), meaning anything that the autonomic nervous system controls can screw up.

SYMPTOMS
Heart rate:
Resting, my heart rate is 50-70 beats per minute.
When I go from sitting to standing, it jumps to 120ish or more.
When walking, it gets even higher.
The smallest amount of exertion (sitting and folding laundry) can take it to 140+.
Raising my arms over my head does the same thing.

Blood pressure:
It's erratic. Under the exact same circumstances (resting for at least 30 minutes), on three different occasions, it was approximately 200/140, 80/58, and 118/104.
Sometimes, when I go from sitting to standing, my bp goes up, but sometimes it goes down. It can't decide.

Temperature:
While sitting and relaxing, my temperature can range anywhere between 97 and 100 degrees. My previous normal was about 97.6.
Eating warm food is almost guaranteed to make my temperature rise (no, not just when I take my temp orally).
Exerting any effort at all will raise my temperature..we're talking something as simple as peeling a potato.
I feel it when my temperature goes up, and I start sweating like a crazy woman. I sweat so much that my hair is soaking wet, and even my shins get sweaty. It's gross.
It's so bad, I have to take cold showers, with the curtain open, the bathroom door open, and a fan blowing out any humidity if I don't want to be sweating before I even get out of the shower.
Throughout all of it, however, my skin will remain cold to the touch.

GASTROINTESTINAL:
Let's just say there are issues. LOL

BRAIN FOG:
I don't remember shit, anymore. I will "lose" entire episodes of a tv show I've watched. I'll forget characters. I'll meet people and have in-depth conversations with them, and then completely forget ever having met them.
I have a hard time reading an analogue clock, now.
I don't recognize groups of more than three, now. (If I pour ibuprofen into my hand, and I pour more than three, I have to COUNT them, not just realize I've poured 4, 5, or 6...).
I can't do simple math in my head with accuracy, anymore. Not quickly at least. I used to be able to purchase $400 of food from a grocery store and be able to tell you exactly how much each item cost, because I added it in my head as I went. Now, I can't remember squat.
I forget words. Lots of them. Lots and lots of words. They just disappear from my mouth. Finishing sentences has become very difficult.


OTHER:
My hands, feet, and legs go numb with regularity. More recently, my face has also started to go numb.

Effects:
When I get overheated, I get dizzier. When my heart rate is high, or my bp is low, I get dizzier. I'm dizzy ALL the time, but it gets worse under those circumstances. My vision goes dim and I feel like I'm going to pass out under those circumstances as well.

It didn't all start out this bad. I was mostly just dizzy, starting about 18 months ago. It's likely my bp and heart rate were wonky, and I didn't realize it. But the overheating thing? I, for a while, thought I was having hot flashes occasionally, related to pre-menopause. I was tested, though, and that's not the cause. But over the course of the last few months, it's gotten considerably worse. I get hotter, it lasts longer, and it happens more frequently.

If this is what I have, it is likely to get worse as time goes on, and that scares the hell out of me.

I have an appointment with a cardiologist in January. With any luck whatsoever, he or she can confirm or deny my self-diagnosis, and start me on some sort of treatment plan. If this IS dysautonomia, there's no cure. It's symptom treatment only.

So. THAT is why I think I'm royally fucked.

Dear Reproductive System

Dear Reproductive System,
It has come to my attention that you have not been acting like a team player within our company. I have been told that some of your recent activities have caused great upset in other departments. This stress then reaches further when those within our company get snippy with our customers and agencies with which we work closely.
It has also been brought to my attention that there has been a large leak within the company every month or so, and that many suspect that you are likely the cause. Again, this creates many issues within other departments, causing morale to decrease severely, and productivity to all but come to a halt. Also, it has been noted that drug-use within the company increases drastically within 24 hours of the leak, and continues for approximately one week. This further aggravates the productivity of the company.
In short, you have been causing a very inhospitable workplace environment. This can no longer be tolerated, and if it continues, steps can and will be taken to ensure your removal from the company.
Sincerely,
Management

I'm so discouraged.

I've had vertigo for just short of 11 very long months. I've seen my regular doctor, another doctor in the same office, an ENT, an audiologist, a physical therapist, and not one, not two, but THREE neurologists...one of whom specializes in vertigo. None can find the cause.

I haven't driven in almost 11 months. I haven't worked in almost 11 months. I haven't gone anywhere alone in almost 11 months. I haven't been independent in almost 11 months. Have I mentioned that 11 months is a fucking long time? It's a long time to go without a pay check. It's a long time to have to depend on someone else to take me to Walmart just to pick up odds and ends. It's a long time to not go for a walk to gather my thoughts or whatever.

Then, I had a breast reduction last September to help get rid of the chronic pain in my shoulders, back, neck, and head. I was an L cup, and I went down to a DD. While the surgery did actually reduce my breast size, it did nothing for my shoulders, back, neck, or head. They're still tense and tied up like a celtic knot. I still have daily headaches. My dream for 17 years or so was to get this reduction and live without the chronic pain. Well, that dream went kablooey.

In March, I *finally* had a thermal uterine ablation to stop or reduce the flow of my periods, and to stop the nasty cramping that Mother Nature seems to think I deserve each month. (We're talking much more severe pain than childbirth without drugs was!!) But guess what? Yeah. It didn't work either.

To top things off, the Vicodin that I take for cramps is suddenly making me itch from head to toe. We're talking from my scalp to the bottoms of my feet. Itch, itch, itch! And the places that I've scratched or rubbed on my arms? Oh, that's where my eczema started to flare.

Can I give up yet?

Home

Covers tossed, hot in the night
Deep, slow, rhythmic breath
Lazy haze of morning light
Highlights hip and breast
Pale skin against blood red sheets
Gentle curve of spine
Disheveled hair, autumn leaf
Ring that matches mine