kitten251984 Offline

39 Happily married Female    32

Inspiration...

So today I was talking to one of my best friends, and we were talking about how we felt about certain things, and family, and about seeing Councillors at university and I had told her that when I went to see one at university many years ago, the conversation with the Councillor went from talking about my past and current relationships, to talking about my grandmother and my friend then proceeded to ask me what my relationship was like with my grandmother. This is what I wrote to her in a nutshell:

"She was my world. I would tell her everything I couldn't feel I could tell my parents because she actually wanted to learn about me, find out how school was going and what I enjoyed etc where as my parents didn't really care or at least to me they didn't show that they did.
I felt closer to my grandmother than I ever did with my parents and that in itself is a horrible thing to say, but that was how I felt.
To lose her, it was like I lost a piece of myself. Like I didn't know who I was anymore. And the fact that I had so much to tell her, and she would never know. As a 13-14 year old, I couldn't really understand what was happening or why. When she was in the hospital, we had gone home for dinner because I was getting hungry and I had asked my mother if we could get something to eat. A few hours after eating, I was doing my homework and We had gotten a call from the hospital stating that she had passed and I blamed myself for her death. I thought it was my fault and that if we hadn't have gone home, she would still be alive because I thought that I could stop it from happening which wouldn't have been true because in all reality she was going to die anyway and her cancer had beaten her. She had lived a good and long life, but as a 13-14 year old, how was I to know any different.
And all i wanted and still want is for my parents to see me what my grandmother did in me. To be proud of me no matter what and to respect me and my wishes. Yes I have my faults and I have made bad decisions, but I want them to understand and respect my happiness and be happy for me, not to criticize and judge me because I never made their expectations and never went down the paths they wanted me to go down.
All i want for myself is to be happy. Ever since I was little all I have wanted was to be a mother and a wife. I have a loving husband and all I need now is a child. Even if I had nothing else in the world, as long as I had my husband and my child/children I would be happy. But knowing my parents don't want any more grandchildren ( my sister has a 5 year old daughter and she is 25) it hurts my heart because that's what I've dreamed of. yes I was interested in doing music, but I want a lot of things and am interested in a lot of different things. I want to go back to college and do something either in the medical field or skincare/anesthetist or something beauty related. But knowing that they wouldn't approve is why I would probably never tell them because I would never get the support from them. And now I don't have my grandmother to confide in. I know she would have been like 'wow thats amazing..what does it entail etc' and for her to see the excitement and enthusiasm on my face when telling her about it. Thats what I want from my parents. Its not much to ask really is it?"

What do you think? Not having my grandmother here used to make me cry, even to think or talk about her, but over the years I just got used to not having her around. I will never forget her and plan to have a tattoo designed for me in memory of her and what she means to me.