Halloween Special- How to Survive Horror Movies PT 1

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's really dead because If you think you just killed the monster, don't touch it. That is the easiest way to die. Always empty several rounds into it before assuming it is dead. Then just set it on bewared this won’t work for your classic villains like Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers etc, so just run for your life.

2. If you discover the place you are visiting is known for its history of mass murders, deaths, freak accidents, or supernatural occurrences, leave.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out and never look under the stairs, or the bed, or in the closet, or the cellar, attic or DO NOT go into the dark room etc and also Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice or start having a new invisible friend!!

5. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell and never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke and don’t give your kids creepy talking dolls: Chucky anyone!!!! : facepalm :

6. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.

7. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short-circuits; just get out, same goes if your plumbing and mysterious mould starts appearing.

8. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead or a strange being. Or play with strange or dead thing.

9. If you find a town, which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason for it. Don't stop and look around and defo don’t ever pick up hitch hikers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.

10. Don't fall asleep if you have a history of homicidal/suicidal nightmares

11. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what you're doing and if the something goes wrong, don’t own up to it because everyone is going to want to kill you or use you as bait.

12. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behaviour such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately. If they survive somehow: Never believe that your companion has truly become "dispossessed."

13. Never split up, for any reason. If a member of the group goes missing, only search for them in a large, well-armed group and make sure that your is really loaded before you try to use it.

14. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.


15. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.

16. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.

17. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house, women should not wear a flimsy negligee and men shouldn’t be in boxers. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.

18. Never get into a car without first checking the back seat for occupants. Never put your back to or lean on a door. Never take the dare to spend a night in a haunted house.

19. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT! Or if you are alone in a house and something calls your name, leave the house immediately through whatever exit is in the opposite direction. If there is no exit, make one.

20. If inanimate objects such as dolls, toys, or furniture attack you, be prudent, leave the area.

21. If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOTcall the police as they are
A. either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or
B. will not believe you and laugh at you.
Either way, you must handle the problem yourself

22. When you land on a distant planet and find some objects that look like eggs, leave them alone.

23. When one of your spaceship's crew finds a hideous parasite attached to his body (as a result of disobeying the previous rule), don't let him back on the ship. The guy's meat anyway.

24. When a hideous alien menace is hunting you (as a result of disobeying the previous two rules) never wander off alone to hunt for the ship's

25.Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernable head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

26. Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the 'dead' villian. He'll just get up again, and this time he's gonna be pissed.

27. No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear anywhere.

28. Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat..

29. If someone screams "None of you know whats really going on here", listen to them or If someone tells you a tale about a monster/serial killer that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it.

30. If you "have a bad feeling about this" go with it, and leave and Never say, "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it" or Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it

Halloween Special- How to Survive Horror Movies PT 2

31. Kill everyone you see. If one is possessed, assume all are possessed. It’s easier that way. Besides, the whining cousin will only slow you down anyways. Kill them al, show no mercy and let God sort them out. If he's as perfect as we believe, he'll forgive you.

32. If you are even somewhat religious, BECOME AN ATHEIST IMMEDIATELY! Monsters will invariably seek you out, gloating in defiance of "your weak faith," and say mean things about your deity. :ghost

33.If you hear noises in a room and there isn't suppose to be someone in that room, leave the house ASAP and that also goes for strange phone with strange noise coming out of the phone.

34. If you are a female, never show your breasts, easy women are expendable but the same goes to randy men flash their sexy 6 pack chest.

35. If you are a woman your chances of survival are much much better if you are a good woman. Bad women have only the slimmest hope for survival. Cast jealousy aside and buddy right up to the good woman.

36.if you're a male, get out of there as fast as possible or cosy up to the frigid or virgin plain jane girl! The only one who ever survives is a female.

37. Don't be a smart-ass, mean girl, best friend, a jerk or the geek cause it’ will only get you killed

38. Don’t work the night shift and make sure someone waiting for you after.

39.If you are female and you just found any of your friends dead by any means it's probably not the time to get naked and take a shower and a skinny drip not to wiser as well, as a rule no to any nudity.

40.Don't volunteer to go for help ! and If you do go with someone whose dumber, prettier and slower than you.


41. Always be nice to the shy, quiet, unpopular girl in school and defo don’t try to prank or set her up to be humiliated.

42.Don't accept sexual advances of ANYONE who never knew or liked you previously.

43. Don’t go back for a friend, he's a goner.

44.If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they're probably dead too.

45.NEVER start crying/whining when the monster or villain has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villain does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

46. Remember, the priest will NEVER make it to your domicile to relieve you of those pesky supernatural occurrences. Whether by plane, train, auto, horse, donkey, bus, or afoot, he'll never ever make it to your doorstep alive (unless he's secretly in league with Satan and then your screwed).

47. Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

My suggestions:48 .IF You were amongst a group of bullies at school beware the good looking new comer to town, it may be the victim seeking a bloody revenge, unless you’re the person they fancy backing in the day or start dating them you might have a chance.

49. Try and remember the basic rules of killing vampires, zombies and monster, people always seem to forget them.

50. If your pet starts barking or hissing and generally is freaked out by something or someone-take the hint!!

51. If a crazy person, old person or a social outcast tries to give you advice about something that is coming or that something is cursed or coming to get you, yet again take the hint.

52. Beware of isolate areas where residents seem a bit weird, tight knit community, speak with a funny accent and have a obvious inbred family traits.!!!

53. When strange things or unexplainable things starts happening in your town don’t start investigate, curiosity does kill the cat, so just get the hell out of there!!!

54. If your friends are bitten by something don’t try and help or keep them around just kill!!! I’m sure they would understand.

55.. If you and your friends decided to have a party in spooky woods or a haunted house particularly at Halloween party and are getting and smoking some Mary Jane be prepared to be massacred especially if your just have or in the process of shagging, so try be the sober virgin in the corner.

56. Having a secret or a mysterious past doesn’t help so deal problems before everything kicks off.

57. Dont dapple in the occult trying to bring about demons or try to raise the devil because chances are their still going to kill you anyway.

58. Place to stay away from; hospital, mental asylums, graveyards, abandoned building, areas that have been previously exposed to nuclear radiation, the prom, petrol station and the strange house nobody goes near because of the freaky f@cker who lives inside.

59. If you’re going to watch horror movies on Halloween try and have a by your side just in case, you have a high chance of getting killed.

60. If a sexy, tall, mysterious stranger with an Eastern European accent comes to town don’t be seduced by his looks and charm because he wants to drink your blood.