Lil_Sis84 Offline

39 Happily married Female from Middletown       256

Blog

call this what u want a story or what ever

iam haveing trouble going back to sleep. i got alot on my mind and sleep just wont come. i have to get my 10 year old off to school here in a bit. so iam siting at my table doing what i do best. the only thing that help's release some of my fears, my nightmars, even some dreams. its funny how you can wright something down and it feels like you releave 20 pounds off your shoulders. i find it very hard to talk to people about what has happen to me in my whole 25 years of liveing. some times i sit and wonder how iam alive and how iam still going. some say its pride,some say its will,and others say iam just a strong woman. rather it's pride,will or that iam a strong woman something is keeping me going. hope i got alot of,but i never sent my hopes to high because i all ways get let down.

have you ever had your heart riped out of your chest and handed to you more broken the what it was? i have to many times. so i try to hold what is still left of it close. i try not to let no one in. try not to let people get to know me. there are a few that know me better then my self at times. it took a wile to trust but i let them in. the ones i do trust i would hope they would never hurt me like others in my past have. the few know who they are. i get to be my self with them. if iam sad and crying they know it. if it is one of them days where its leave me the f@^@ alone and pissed off at the world day they know about them to trust me on that one. if iam happy they know. i all so think all of them know under it all what is really going on with me and going on in my life.

every one has a heart. even if them hearts have gone cold you still got one. i got a big heart that might be why in the hell i get hurt so much who the hell knows any more. i dont like to be hurt. so i do my best not to hurt others. tho i have. for that iam sorry. that is something i have to live with tho not you or any one else just me. some times what how you word your words because some times words dose cut deeper then any knife ever could. thn there are time's that words are better left unspoken and all bottled up inside. like if a chid or a woman has been raped? its not best to leave things left unspoken there but most do out of fear of what might happen to them if they tell. just the same as if a child or woman is being beat and abused they keep quite due do fear. step up and talk because the next person might not be as lucky as you were they could very well end up dead.

a heart might mend but never for get. a mind never mend nor dose it for get. it with think and think about what happen. sometimes years your mind will think about what happen? how could i have changed this? or what if i did something diffrent? a heart will feel at times the same way the mind dose. so dose a heart really mend? or dose it just go on? or dose a heart just hide behide the broken? thats something you have to answer for your self.

you have to be strong threw the good and the bad. no matter if in the end you come out with a broken heart and blood shot eyes at least you are still alive. might not feel that way for a wile but you are. it might take longer then you or i might want it to but you will feel alive again some time. some day you will take a deep look inside your self and say i did it i made it threw. now it's time for me to be happy. you have been in the rain so long you are waiting for the sun to shine and iam sure it will.

you have to learn to love your self befor you can love any one else. if you cant love your self dont try and love any one else. they will end up hurt every time. not only that but if you can't love your self how in the hell can you love any one else? you can't so dont try.
its not worth that other person geting hurt for. if you have lived a f*&*^w up life and nothing is like you had planed. well hell nothing ever is. something all ways gos wrong. so no matter what you have to love your self. for some thats hard to do. then there are others that cant get over there selfs. it all come's down to you tho. you deside. i cant deside for you nor can any one else.

Power Of Pain

Power Of Pain

I sat alone another day.
The world was moving all around me,
but it seemed as if my life was in a standstill.
The doctors say its anxiety.
Everyone thinks anxiety means nervousness or fear,
but it is deeper than that.
Anxiety holds you prisoner.
You can't leave your house.



The doorbell rings but I can't answer.
There is too much fear inside.
You can't answer the phone.



"Telephone for you!" my family yells. I
tell them to say that I will call back, but I won't.
You can't eat.



No, not me. The anxiety
even controls that. All the pain rushes back up with
every little thing I eat.
You can't go out.



Everyone walking around me, but I can't move, the
apprehension paralyzes me.
Everyone says, "Be brave. You can do it. You'll make it out of this."
But sometimes I wonder if I will.
I try to combat it all, but if I attempt to do anything,
it all starts over again.



My heart beats faster and faster.
I can feel it in my chest.

Beads of sweat
Racing
Falling
Running down my forehead.
All the thoughts swarm in my brain.
The fear picks up.
It is unbearable.
I'm so frightened, but I don't know what of.
The paranoia sweeps over my body like a giant wave.
Every day I have to fight what seems to be a losing battle.
But then . . . I look outside.
I see the colors.
I see the life.
I see spirit.
I know I can do this.

TO MY FRIENDS YALL NEED TO READ

well lets start with what happen friday night. i got out and i end up in the hospital from acl posing they had to pummp my tummy and every thing. they said it was due to mixing acl and meds that shouldnt be mixed. my acl lvl was only 1.25 and thats not bad at all. so it was from mixing meds. they kept me for a wile to make sure i wasnt going to throw up any more. iam sore as hell and got bumps and bruses every where. i have been trying to sleep the soreness away but that dont seem to be working. i think it had alot to do with stress too. i almost died im not drinking again ever. i have never been scared of dieing but that night i was scared that i was going to die and it freaked me out. that is not a way i want to go.
iam all rite now all but being sore and all that.




that wasnt the only thing i wanted to talk about. i wont be able to get on the computer at night any more it wil be from like 7am to 6pm will be the times i can get on. the only time i will be on at night any more is if i cant sleep. i got to get my days and nights on track rite along with my 4 year olds because shes going to be starting preschool a little late in the year i know but this is when they got the opening for her. shes happy about it but me iam just not tht happy. i have got to be able to get up with her. i thought the hubby was going to be geting nights also and he got days so thats when i will be able to get on with out him watching every thing iam doing any ways. that dont bother me its just i dont know. i dont like any one watching over my shoulder.


the day times will be better for me when it comes to the kids and stuff as well,and if i get a job i will have to sleep at night. its going to take time to get use to but thats ok i will be able to do it. the past 2 days sence they let me leave the hospital i have been sleeping off and on and i still feel tired as hell. iam going to go back to sleep as soon as my 10 year old gets off to school. me and the little one. iam still not feeling all that well thanks to the bar and my own dumb ass falt. so iam going to be resting and geting better.



the kids want to fight befor she even gets out the door for school and she has got to go. i dont know why they do that shit so early. they got to stop the fighting. its a every morning thing around here them fighting.

Heart

Heart





I lay my head on his chest.
I hear his heart beating.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I start to relax.
I listen to his heart beating.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I smile to myself.
I start to get lost in the beats of his heart.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

My other hand caresses his chest.
The world melts away around me.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I become transfixed on the sound of his heart.
All I can hear is…
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I melt into him.
He is mine, I am his.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

He caresses my arm.
Pulls me in closer to him.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

My eyes are closed.
All I hear is…
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

He talks to me.
I don’t respond.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I am gone.
No thinking.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

He thinks I am sleeping.
But I am lost in his heart beats.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I am at peace.
I am safe.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

Safe in his arms.
Safe in his heart beats.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

We are one.
All I can hear is…
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I am at rest.
I am lost in his heart beats.
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

I never want to leave his arms.
All I want to hear is…
Thump-thump, Thump-thump, Thump-thump.

Friends, Husband

Friends, Husband





A friend is someone you can confine in that
Makes you feel good no matter what
A friend you can never live without who
Knows your deepest secrets
A friend never judges or makes you feel
Bad when your down
A husband is the best friend who became your
Soul mate and husband
A husband is the man you dream of and want
To spend your life with forever
A lover is the act of two people loving
Each other when passionately in love
Love is patience and kind, never glad when
The other is wrong
Never boost when your wife is wrong

i got to see my mother after 5 years

i got to see my mother after 5 years on my kids 10th bday. i wanted to yell at her and get some things off my chest but i couldnt do that for some reason. she huged me and she was crying. the kids loved her. well my oldest one had known her but my lil one had never seen her befor that day but took rite up with my mother. i mean its hard to forgive some one when you have been hurt by some one your hole life but i thought be the bigger person for give her and let her see the kids and try to have my mother in my life. i did miss her alot why she was out of my life and there was not a day i didnt think and worry about her. she did all this to her self befor my dad passed away.

if i named every thing she had ever did to me yall would say how in the hell did you let her back in your life. she is my mother. iam still hurt badly from the way she treated me from the time i was a kid up until i just wouldnt let her in my life. she let me be and respected that. she got bad on drugs and she was talking about killing my unborn child after she had done made me lose one,but she knows she gets back on drugs shes done i wont let her around my kids on drugs they have never been around them and never will.

i still havent fully forgave her for what all she has done. the day she came over tho we talked laughed and we talked so much. she did say sorry for every thing. then we talked some more we talked for 3 hrs thats along time to talk but we did have alot of catching up to do. it had been 5 years. i sit and i think this is what my dad would have wanted. hes no longer with me my mom is all that i got left. she might be a bx^%z at times and we are going to still have our ups and downs but that with any family. iam gald she is back in my life in a way because i missed her so much that some times it made me sick,she ever gets back on drugs she will not be around me or my kids again. i grew up around drugs and my kids are not going to see it and now that i dont have to see it i dont want too. i love my mother and i all ways will but she knows what will happen i told her. as long as she keeps her word she will be good. there is still alot of things that need to be worked out, but we got a pretty good damn start on that. that makes me happy.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS

i havent been on alot here lately. yesterday i slept all day. i have been sleeping alot i guess my body just couldnt take no more sleeping the way i had been. i slept from 7pm until 5:45am that helped me alot. iam going to be going back to sleep after the kid gets off to school. i know that every one was worried about the way i was sleeping and now iam. i went to the docter and they put me on meds i dont take them all the time but i do take them when i can not get to sleep. if feels good to get to sleep with out wakeing up and not being able to go back to sleep, or staying up all night with nothing to do. i havent slept so much in my life. the kids dont know what to think in just the time that i have been sleeping i got more engery and iam in alot of a better mood.i didnt think i would ever get this under control. it was geting so bad that some times i didnt even want to get on because i couldnt see the keys to type. then the headackes i was geting was about to kill me. they are still runing a bounch of test to see if they can get to the root of things and take me off the sleeping meds.

i got adult adhd that could be alot to do with it they are going to check in to that and see if that is what it can be. i havent had my meds for that in going on 5 years now so that could very well be whats wrong. it can only be a few things from what my docter told me. if it is the adhd hes going to take me off the sleeping meds and get me on something for the adhd it dont matter as long as i can sleep because i feel alot better now that i have been sleeping.

the kids can see how happer iam and how much more i play with them and that is just been a week. they are happer too. once my fatherinlaw is gone that will help to its like takeing care of 3 kids and that runs me down and i just cant take care of him no more. i didnt get to take care of my daddy when he was dieing and i cant take care of him. one i dont think its rite 2 i just cant handle the stress. my kids keep me going as it is. they are good kids but i think all kids are all ways going. now that iam sleeping at night my 4 year old is sleeping at nite to i think its because she gets bored now because she dont got any one to talk to watch tv or play with. the oldest one is sleeping better to because iam not walking threw the house all night long any more. so i think shes happer because now she is really rested when she's going to school.

now i might be able to get some stuff done around then house to just befor i was to tired to get it all done. now i want to get out of bed and do things play with the kids and clean. thats one thing that i have all ways been funny about a dirty house. then when i wasnt sleeping i couldnt get up and do it. yesterday i did dishes and a bounch of other stuff. we are geting ready to paint the house so i have alot of work to do now we might be able to get that done. i just hope the kids dont want to help with that. shit i cant paint so i know they cant if they are any thing like me lol .

have a good day and all my friends thank you for being there for me. in times of need or just in times for me to act silly it dosent matter you have all ways been there. love yall and take care of your selfs.

love,
sis

Why (Jason Aldean






Jason Aldean » Why
It's 3 AM and I finally say
I'm sorry for acting that way
I didn't really mean to make you cry
Oh baby, sometimes I wonder why

[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

I know I'd never let you walk away
So why do I push you 'til you break
And why are you always on the verge of good-bye
Before I'll show you how I really feel inside

[CHORUS]
Why does it always have to come down
To you leaving
Before I'll say 'I love you'
Why do I always use the words
That cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you

Why do I always use the words that cut the deepest
When I know how much it hurts you
Oh baby why, do I do that to you
Why do I do that to you

The Truth (jason aldean)

The Truth
Artist:Jason Aldean
Tell 'em all I'm on vacation
Say I went to visit friends
That you ain't heard or seen from me in quite a while
When they ask you where I've been

Tell 'em I'm out on the West Coast
Where it don't ever rain
And that I'm probably doing fine

Just don't tell 'em I've gone crazy
That I'm still strung out over you
Tell 'em anythin' you want to
Just don't tell 'em all the truth
Yeah, don't tell 'em all the truth

Tell 'em all I'm out in Vegas
Blowin' every dollar I ever made
Tell 'em that I must be into somethin' bad for me
'Cause I sure lost a lot of weight

Tell 'em I'm out on the road
With some old rock and roll band
Living like a gypsy can

Just don't tell 'em I've gone crazy
That I'm still strung out over you
Tell 'em anythin' you want to
Just don't tell 'em all the truth
Yeah, don't tell 'em all the truth

The truth is that I'm askin' you to lie
And we both know that it ain't right
But if you ever loved me
Please have some mercy on me
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Tell 'em anything you want to
Just don't tell 'em all the truth
Yeah, don't tell 'em all the truth
I still need you

Yeah, that's the truth
I still love you
Baby, that's the truth


part 2 to call me crazy if you want too!!!!!!!

i got alot of friends that are in to all that paranormal stuff and i called up a few of my friends. they told me alot of things that made sence to me. they ask me if i had had any one in my life pass with out warning or in a bad way. i said yes. the guy i was supose to marry when i was 15 he was killed in a car crash a drunk diver hit him, the drunk diver was fine but he died. then they ask me if i had any thing that was ours from that time. i still got my dress and his tux. they told me that maybe if i got rid of this stuff it would stop. iam not ready to part with it i have had it for 9 years i dont want to ever get rid of it. the songs are still going on. see there is very few people that know my fav songs. 2 of them are dead and the rest of them are alive. some one said that the man i was supose to marry might be trying to contacted me for some reason. or trying to protect me from something. iam not ready to part with my dress or his tux not even our wedding rings. i cant do it. i loved him and i will love him until the day i die. but that song and a few others was going to be played at our wedding and them are then songs that have been playing. they told me if i was not afrade of what was going on not to worry about it. if i was fine with it let it be.


the my father he knew every fav song of mine and he passed away 4 years ago. it could be him. iam just going by what the friends are telling me. i have been going threw alot lately and alot of it hasnt been so good so back to. either they are trying to tell me something or protect me from something. now iam siting here thinking witch one could it be and all that. i mean i didnt want my dad to go i didnt get to say good buy to either of them it was to late by the time i got to the hospital they had done passed. then they tryed to tell me to get rid of my dads stuff there is no way in hell iam going to do that. iam going to keep all the things i got and thats that. i just wish i knew what they was trying to get at because it is kinda creppy when you dont know what the hell is going on. or if they would show there selfs.
i was a daddys girl from the time i was born until the day he passed. i have felt like they was all ways around keeping me safe but now i dont know what to think.

and the man i was supose to marry we was the center of eachothers worlds. so if you dont belive in life after death none of this would make any sence to you. me my self i have all ways been a full heart beliver of live after death and spirts and things like that. so if they are here and they are hurting any one in my family iam not going to let it bother me not one bit. i mean there is no sence in leting it bother me. i dont feel like any one is in danger so if they are here for me they can stay. but i want them to rest in peace that is the thing. a few of my friends told me how to get them to pass over but i dont know if iam ready to let them go yet. thats the thing. but will they ever rest in peace if i dont? should i say good bye and let them go? thats the part that is confuseing me. if i let them go will they be ok with that? there is just so many things iam afrade of if i do get them to pass over.

CALL ME CRAZY IF YOU WANT TOO!!!!!!!!!!

last night iam laying in my bed every one is a sleep and i had even fallin asleep. well i get woke up to music playing and the song that was playing was wine colored roses by george jones. ok so i dont know where the song is comeing from. i run up stairs to the kids room its not comeing from there. its as quite as it can be up in there room both kids sleeping. so i come down the stairs and i go down the basment stairs to my fatherinlaws room to see if hes got someing going. well same as in the kids room he was sound a sleep nothing was on. so by this point iam freaking out. so i walk back in my room and the only room you hear the song in is my room. so i wake up the hubby asking him if he hears that. well he did so i was like thank god iam not loseing my mind lol. so he dose the same thing. he gos up to the kids room and he sees that there t.v isnt on and they are asleep. then he comes back down the stiars and gos down the basment stiars to see if his dad is up and has any thing going. well he came back up and said every one is asleep what the hell is going on rite. i said the hell if i know. the hes like shut up and every thing stops and its quite for the rest of the night.

iam sitll trying to find out where the hell that song came from. one that song is old 2 u have to order that song at a cd shop or something. it makes no sence to me. some people might not belive in goast and things like that but after last night i sure in the hell do.

my hubby told me that i had to stop watching goast hunters and shit like that because i could have opened a door for the dead to come in to my life. im like yeah sure ok. iam not going to stop watching my shows. the think is is you could not hear this song in any other part of the house. so you tell me what it is.

all i know is iam still freaked out and i think iam going to stay that way until i find out where that song was playing from. i mean what gets me is who ever or what ever it was knew that was one of my fav songs by george jones. that the crazy part. so yall tell me what you would think if that happen to you?

thank you,
sis

1 word.. stolen from 2 people..

lets see how this go's. tell me what u really think with one word that would desribe me best to you.

Love

Love

The word Love,
Love is something we all can enjoy,
It is something we all can share,
Only with that special someone,
Who we all care about.
But why are we scared of it?
I don't know why,
But if I wasn't,
I would tell you every time,
Rain or shine,
Every time we're apart I nearly cry,
Because this love inside of me is strong,
There are no boundaries that it can hide,
I want to scream it out,
But I'm too shy,
So I wait and watch wishing,
That I had the courage to tell you,
How much I feel inside.
MY LOVE FOR YOU WILL NEVER DIE.
This is to that special someone.
I Love You.

How did it come to this

How did it come to this

But now you're chained to my mind
I search but cannot find
Any way to sever
I guess you're stuck there forever

Times you cant rewind
To the love you could never find

Just sit and let me fade away
Same story another day
Choking on your love torn lies
In the end, it always dies

You remind me of who I use to be
But tonight, you've thrown it down the drain
Black my eyes so I cant see
Or feel any of this pain

Drifting, slipping down and out
Wondering what life is all about
Just heart aches and heartbreaks
And smiles you all fake

TROUBLE SLEEPING AND IAM SICK

i dont know if its from not resting or what. i was up all night with a sore throt and my ears are killing me. i wont go to the docter until iam about dead thats just how iam. for some reason i lay here and i toss and trun all night long. no matter what i cant fall asleep. alot of my past is comeing back to hunt me i guess that is what i think about most of the time when iam laying here awake. i just wish it would let me go. i know a part of my past is who iam. i just dont want to keep reliveing my past. it has caused me alot of sleepless nights and its time to let it go some way some how. i stay sick any more and iam thinking its because i get 2 nights of good rest a week if that. the rest of the time i lay awake and think and think. my mind never shuts off. i think i will be going to the docter today or tommrow because iam in alot of pain. i cant eat or any thing because of my throt and thats not good. i got a temp and every thing else. most people when they are sick sleep and rest. not me still iam awake. its like every thing that i have ever done or every thing that has ever happen to me comes up on me when iam trying to sleep. dose this make any sence? i stay in a bad mood any more and things get worse the more the days go by that i dont get rest. every ones like talk to some one about your past. talking is not going to do me any good. all they try to do is make you talk and then you have to relive it even more then u all ready do. my kids is what keeps me going and still brings a smile to my face.my kids are really good kids. they are the ones that keep me up and going and happy. they see iam not sleeping good tho. my youngest one is even trying to stay up all night with me now. shes all ways wanted to sleep at the day time tho so she is up hafe the night any ways. so she talks my ear off and hafe the time i cant get her to shut up or sit down for 5 mins so she keeps me on my toes. thats a good thing. then my oldest one she gos to school so she has to go to bed early so she can get up in the morning. she gets home about 4pm and then we cook dinner watch some t.v and then by that time and home work is done she has to go to bed. shes doing really good in school some times when we are sting here watching t.v i doze off. they wake me up if i do doze off cant be sleeping with the kids awake. then when i do get them to sleep i try to go to sleep my self and its the same thing over and over again. the messed up part is most people have to do drugs to stay awake the way i do. i dont do any kind of drugs and iam still up. that sucks. i have to take care of my kids so i wont take any kind of sleeping meds or any thing like that. because what if i take them and i cant hear one of my kids. that would make me feel so bad if i didnt wake up to one of my kids crying. so i wont take sleeping meds. that is not the answer i dont think any ways. there has to be other ways to make me sleep. i mean i keep going all day long so i should be wore out by the end of the day.

OUT OF SMOKES

yeah i ran out of smokes today and i start biting every ones head off. i go back to bed so i dont have to put up with any ones shit and every one thinks its cool to come in and jump on the bed and wake me up. so iam mader then what i was befor i went to bed. every one is laughing at me and thinking its funny and i dont think its so funny. i dont know why they did. every one says i look sexyer when iam mad and things like that but why in the hell piss me off? it makes no sence to me. like rite now iam out of smokes i dont want to be messed with and iam about to go to bed. not only that its 4am and i have to go to bed some time. as long as no one wakes me up tomrrow i will be good,and if they do wake me up they better have smokes befor they do wake me up. or its going to be all bad for me and them. i dont know why i do that to my self. it just all ways seems to happen to me. alot of yall are most likely looking at this asking if i should even be smokeing well i will answer that for you. no none of us should be but we still do it. so dont yell at me for it when most likely you are a smoker too. well have a good day yall

love,
sis