Myst Offline

40 Single Female from Edmonton       5
         

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what to do..what to do..

Well after a few of which seem like long years lol, ive returned to the single life.
its funny how boring your daily routines seem when u dont have that person around anymore.
oh well, it was for the best.

now to add some extra hobbies to my list lol

Thomas the tank engine

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

Birthdays

seeing how as birthdays dont seem to show up on profiles i figured id make a blog asking all my friends on my list to reply to this with their bday. i like sending out birthday wishes and well with only an age showing up, i know im gonna miss every single one of u lol atleast this way i can refer bk to my blog haha

A lil humor :P

Dictionary for Womans Personal Ads

40ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of drugs
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free Spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very "friendly" person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarassing
Passionate = Sloppy Drunk
Professional = By%x*
Voluptuous = Fat
Large Frame = Hugely Fat
Wants soul mate = Stalker

Woman's English

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
We Need = I Want
I am Sorry = You will be Sorry
We need to talk = You are in trouble
Sure, go ahead = You better not
Do what you want = you will pay for this later
I am not upset = Of course im upset , you moron
Your very attentive tonight = Is sy# all you ever think about?

Men's English

I am hungry = I am hungry
I am tired = I am tired
I am sleepy = I am sleepy
Nice dress = Nice cleavage
I love you = lets have s@x now
I am bored = Do you want to have sxz?
May i have this dance = Id like to have sxy with you
Can i call you sometime = Id like to have s*& with you
Do you want to go to a movie = Id like to have s~x with you
Can i take you out for dinner = Id like to have sz$ with you
Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I am gay

And finally....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on their menstrual cycle.

For example when a woman is ovulating , she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However, when she is menstruating , she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eyes and a cricket stump shoved up his backside

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Wrong email address

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the very same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules,
it was difficult to coordinate their travel reservations. So, the husband
left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday and his wife flew down the
following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he
decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out
one letter in her email address and without realizing his error, he sent
the e-mail.

Meanwhile... somewhere in Houston, a woman had just returned home from her
husband's funeral. He was a minister for many years and had been "called
home to glory" following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check
her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading
the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found
his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read :


To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and
you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and
been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival
tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as
uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here!

True Love

True Love Means...

A girl and a guy were speeding over 100mph on a deserted road on a
motorcycle.

Girl: Slow down, we're going too fast. I'm scared! And I don't want
anything to happen.

Guy: Come on, don't worry. I know what I'm doing. Your having fun
right?

Girl: NO...please stop. I'm really scared

Guy: Then tell me you love me.

Girl: I LOVE YOU! Now please slow down.

Guy: Give me a hug.

*Girl hugs him*

Guy: Can you help me out here? Will you take my Helmet off of me
and put it on you? It's bugging me.

In the paper the next day: A motorcycle has crashed into a building
break failure. Two people found, but only one survived.

The Truth is: That halfway down the road the guy realized that his
breaks broke, but he didn't want the girl to know.
Instead, he had her say she loved him and felt her hug him for one
last time. Then had her wear his helmet so she would live, even
though it meant that he would die.

How I would spend $10,000

id pay off some debts, get some groceries, pay whatever bills were left and stash the rest