Waneta Stygian Offline

118 In a relationship Female from Irvine       148
         

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Don't you dare.

Don't you dare tell me to cheer up. Don't tell me to be happy. Don't tell me to smile.

Don't you dare tell me that I shouldn't feel like this, that there's people in worse conditions. That's like saying you shouldn't be happy, because there's people who are in better conditions.
So don't you dare.

Don't you dare tell me to just be happy. Would you tell someone who's paralyzed to just stand up and walk? Would you tell someone with cancer to just not be sick?

No. You wouldn't.

If you wouldn't tell them that, why would you tell me to just be happy?
To cheer up?
To smile?

So don't. Don't tell me to do any of it. Because I can't. I just can't.
So don't you dare.

You don't know. You just don't.

i'm scarred.
broken.
hopeless.
empty.
useless.
worthless.
hated.
a failure.

you're going to deny it.
but you don't know me.
you don't know my past.
you don't know what i've done
you don't know what people have done to me

monsters aren't born
they're made
i wasn't always like this
i was made into it.

Why I can't believe you

You want to know why I don't believe you when you say you'll never leave? That you'll stay with me forever? That you'll be here for me forever?

I don't believe it because I'm too scared to. So many people have promised they'll never leave. So many. I've had so many best friends over the years. But they leave. Every time.
Sometimes I leave.
Sometimes they leave because of me.
Sometimes we just drift apart.
Sometimes they just disappear.

But they always leave.

Every time I believe someone when they say they won't leave, they show me why I shouldn't have. They're the reason why I have such a hard time trusting people.

You say you're not like them. But you are. You're just another friend. Another friend that I will walk through fire for, in the hopes that you'll do the same. Just another friend that I love too much, so that when you leave, it hurts 10 times worse.

This is why I just can't believe you. I just can't. I'm too afraid of getting hurt. Just like all the other times.

I'm sorry that I can't. I'm really sorry. But how can I believe, when every time I do, I get shown why I shouldn't?

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
Sorry...

To My Parents.

I tried. And tried. And tried. And tried.
I tried so hard to make you proud of me, to make you think I'm actually a good daughter. That I actually can do things right. That I'm not the horrible daughter that I am.

But I guess I was wrong. I can't do anything right. I've been almost perfect for two whole weeks. But the first time something goes wrong, you blow up. It's like nothing changed. It's like the past two weeks never even happened.

I'm sorry I'm not the perfect daughter.
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect friend.
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect girlfriend.
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect student.
I'm sorry I'm not the perfect person.

I've cried enough to fill an ocean. I've bled enough to dye rivers red. I've hated myself more than anyone can.

And yet it's not enough. You just look down on me. You think I'm just being dramatic. I'm not actually upset, I'm faking to get what I want. I'm not actually depressed, I just want attention. It's as if I want to live on the streets. Have no friends. Have no money. No food to eat.

When will it be enough? Is it even possible to make you proud of me? Is it possible for you to actually show that you care? Is it possible for you to actually act the way I parent should? Is it possible for you to be good person?

I don't think it is. I'm slowly giving up. I can't take much more. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep on trying for something that will never happen. I can't keep hoping.

I'm giving up.

Do you even care?

Waneta Stygian

Ω General Ω

Name: Waneta Stygian
Aliases: None
Age: Timeless
Species: Cladotherian
Genus: Therian
Blood Type: Unknown
Alignment: Unknown
Origin: Unknown
Affiliation: Unknown
Rank: Unknown
Occupation: Unknown

Ω Appearance and Additional Ω

Preferred Human Form:

Build: Athletic, Lean,
Hair Color: Silver, black roots
Hair Style: Long, Wavy
Eye Color: Unnatural
Skin Tone: Fair
Complexion: Smooth, Flawless
Laterality: Ambidextrous
Voice: Articulate, Calm, Smooth
Posture: Perfect, Refined
Disposition: Capricious, Mostly Neutral, Devil May Care, Thrives on Strife

Tattoos: Yes
Piercings: Multiple

Ω Measurements Ω

Of Preferred Human Form:

Height: 5'5''
Weight: 125 lbs
Chest: 34''
Shoulders: 15''
Arm Length: 23''
Bicep: 9''
Waist: 24''
Leg Length: 37''
Foot Length: 9''

RP 101 (For beginners. Some of these will not apply if you want to be advanced.)

Roleplay. It's fun, but like most things, it's only fun when people follow the rules. Usually if you don't, it gets pretty confusing. So, here's the basics.

1. Use something to separate you actions from talking. People often use stars (*__*), double dashes (--__--), or forward slashes (//__//).

Examples:
*She climbed the tree, looking for the lost Frisbee*
--She climbed the tree, looking for the lost Frisbee--
//She climbed the tree, looking for the lost Frisbee//

2. When fighting, state one dodge and one attack only. One statement, not multiple.

Example:
*She ducked below his punch, sweeping a leg out to knock him off his feet*

3. Do not god-mod. God-modding is when you are able to heal through out any injury and able to dodge any attack. Basically, when you can do whatever you want with no limits. That's a no-no. Super frowned upon.

Examples of god-modding:
Healing from a fatal wound, like a sliced throat.
Dodging every attack, even when it should have been fatal.


These are 3 basic rules that will improve your rp immensely. Your actions will be easier to understand, and more people will be willing to rp with you.
Follow these 3 rules, and you've mastered the basics.

There are different rules for advanced rp, and they are very complicated. These don't really apply for advanced rp.

Rise - by Katy Perry

I won't just survive
Oh, you will see me thrive
Can't write my story
I'm beyond the archetype
I won't just conform
No matter how you shake my core
'Cause my roots, they run deep, oh

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in my veins
I know it, I know it
And I will not negotiate
I'll fight it, I'll fight it
I will transform

When, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, you're out of time
But still, I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in, think again
Don't be surprised, I will still rise

I must stay conscious
Through the madness and chaos
So I call on my angels
They say

Oh, ye of so little faith
Don't doubt it, don't doubt it
Victory is in your veins
You know it, you know it
And you will not negotiate
Just fight it, just fight it
And be transformed

'Cause when, when the fire's at my feet again
And the vultures all start circling
They're whispering, you're out of time
But still, I rise
This is no mistake, no accident
When you think the final nail is in, think again
Don't be surprised, I will still rise

Don't doubt it, don't doubt
Oh, oh, oh, oh
You know it, you know it
Still rise
Just fight it, just fight it
Don't be surprised, I will still rise


Rise - Nightcore Version

Good Intentions by Dappy

I've seen a lot things in life that words can't explain
See we ain't any different but we just ain't the same
They never listen when we tell 'em, tell 'em
All they understand is venom, venom
People only use you when you let 'em, let 'em
Well if that's the case then I'm the one to blame

'Cause there's a man over board
And the tides gonna drag him down
If there's a man in the clouds
Then tell me where the hell is he now
Why is the silence so loud
Have I thrown it all away
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention, tension ohh ohh
Look what happened to my Good Intention, tension ohh ohh
Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

Ah

I'm walking through the desert but I'm drowning inside
No river runs deeper than the tear from my eye
You only went and made me bitter, bitter
I wish I wasn't such a giver, giver
Apologize to my liver, liver
'Cause if that's the case then your the one to blame

'Cause there's a man over board (cause there's a man overboard)
And the tides gonna drag him down (heyy)
If there's a man in the clouds (whoa whoa)
Then tell me where the hell is he now (yeah)
Why is the silence so loud (tell me why is it so loud)
Have I thrown it all away (yeah)
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention, tension ohh ohh
Look what happened to my Good Intention, tension ohh ohh
Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

Am I wrong to think the worlds got it in for me
And am I right to say I'm longing for some sympathy
See I feel a sound, but I can't hear it
That's my heart strings getting played like a symphony
Yo, you know you turned me insane
Why you staring at window when I'm the one with the pain
You know you set me off the rails
And you'll be to blame
If you're ever hear
I jumped in front of the train we're both fucked in the brain
(whoa whoa)

'Cause there's a man over board
And the tides gonna drag him down
If there's a man in the clouds
Then tell me where the hell is he now
Why is the silence so loud (tell me why is it so loud)
Have I thrown it all away
Lemme know, Lemme know
Tell me is that what happens just for having a good intention, tension ohh ohh
Look what happened to my Good Intention, tension ohh ohh
Why won't anybody answer my question
Why is the silence so loud (tell me why is it so loud)
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one

Why is the silence so loud
I think I've thrown it all away
I don't know, I don't know
But lemme know
Hear me out before you label me the bad one



Nightcore's version of Good Intentions

This is how it feels.

Imagine this.
You're 14 years old, about to start your first year of high school. In the middle of the summer, you wake up and realize, school is starting soon. You're nervous, but you think that it won't be any harder than middle school.

Days go by, and all of a sudden the first day of school is tomorrow. You wake up early the next morning, wanting to make sure everything is perfect: you're wearing the right clothes, you know the new trends and the new phrases. The day goes by, and you manage not to screw up. You think, "Wow. Maybe this actually won't be that hard."

A couple weeks later. You're staying up later, studying and doing homework, trying to keep up. You still believe it's not all that hard. You think that if you work harder, you'll be able to understand. You have to ace everything, you have to be in every advanced class. You have to go to a good collage so you can have a good job so you can have a good life. You have to be perfect. Because that's what you were taught. That's what you were told, so you believed it.

Days go by, you're to staying up later and later to study and try to understand what you're learning. It's getting harder and harder to keep up. One day, you're too sick to go to school. The next day, you have no idea what's being taught in the classes. Missing just one day just put you what feels like a week behind. You're staying up later, trying to make it make sense. But you can't keep up, and your grades start slipping.


Your parents start lecturing you. First it was just warnings, then it got longer. From just a couple words in passing, to 10, 20, 30 minutes long. You start getting frustrated, upset. They say "You're too smart to act this dumb....We know you're smarter than this...You're choosing to fail....Do you even want to be successful?" You're getting upset, angry. You bite your tongue to keep your words in, to not make the argument any longer. Biting harder as you get more frustrated. You taste blood. Switching tactics, you instead dig your nails into your arm, focusing on the pain to keep the anger in check, to not listen to their words.

When you're finally dismissed and you walk away, you feel like if you don't immediately do something physical right that second you're going to explode and someone is going to get hurt. So you punch a wall. You punch it until the pain finally breaks through that wall of anger and forces you to focus on something else. So you do. And you're relieved. You think "Well, at least I didn't hurt anyone." You didn't even think including yourself.

Days go on, and you're getting worse. The inside of your cheeks and lips are scarred from biting them to hold in your anger. Your grades are slipping even more, you're losing more sleep. Hiding it from your friends so they won't have to worry. You get into another argument with your parents that night, and by the time you're dismissed it feels like it lasted hours. You curl up in a ball, tears silently streaming down your face. You don't make any noise, out of fear that your parents will hear and you're get into another argument.

Staring across the room, you notice a pencil sharpener sitting on your desk. There's other stuff scattered across it, but it's the pencil sharpener that catches your attention. You get up and sit at your desk, staring at it. All of a sudden this internal agony swells, and you need to do something, anything to make it go away. You take apart it apart, and place the blade against your flesh. You cut. Not too big or too deep. Just enough to make it hurt. You focus on the external pain, hoping it'll distract you from the internal agony inside. You do it again and again until the external pain overwhelms the internal. For a second you're relieved, you don't feel the internal agony anymore. Then you're ashamed of what you did.

The next day you feel like everyone would know, would somehow know and then shun you. But no one did. The world just kept on going. And you're relieved, but also felt worse. It's so obvious to you, but no one else sees it. You hide it so well that no one knows anything. You've barely slept in weeks, months. You get home and your parents yell at you. You go to bed but don't actually sleep. It repeats. And repeats. And repeats. Until you can't take it anymore.

And you give up. You drop the fake smile, the fake laughter. To your friends and and everyone at school, you're an entirely different person. They have no idea what happened. You don't hang out with them, instead seeking solitude. You just can't do anything anymore. Your friends forget you, your teachers eventually forget you too. You're trying to just like day by day, but it's getting too hard. Soon enough you can't stand it anymore. You just can't. You've been thinking about suicide for a while now, how much more peaceful it would be. So you do it. You kill yourself. Not for revenge to anyone, not to prove a point, not to hurt anyone. You die so you don't have to feel that internal agony anymore.



This was the easiest scenario that I could come up with. And I didn't even include a whole lot of other things that would happen in high school. Like drugs, bullying, bad teachers. There are so many things that can cause depression. Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes random, sometimes just because it's genetic. And no one reacts the same way. Like cancer. No two cases are the same. They could be similar, but they're still different. But they all start out the same way.

You wake up feeling fine, not noticing the symptoms. Until they get worse. You can go to the doctor, get treatments. Sometimes they don't work. And we all know what happens next. But sometimes they do work, and you go on living your life. But there's this fear in the back of your mind that it'll come back. Sometimes it never comes back, but sometimes it does. You can go to the doctor again, go through treatments again. But you're not as strong as you were, you can't fight as hard. You might get lucky again and it'll go away, but it also might not.


People seem to think you choose to be depressed. No one chooses depression. No one wants to constantly feel worthless, like they don't matter. No one wants to feel like crying all the time. No one wants to hate themselves. No one wants this. They don't choose it. They just end up with it.

People also think that they're doing it for attention. Sure, maybe some might. But others don't. How can you seriously believe that they cut, burn, bruise, and worse to their own skin just for attention? There's easier, less painful ways to get attention.

I hope you learned something from this.

I'm Sorry (original song by me)

I'm sorry mom and dad
I didn't mean for it to get this bad
I don't know who I am
And I don't even give a damn
About a single thing anymore
Nothing left worth living for

Been crying all night
Think I've lost the fight
Slowly dying
Tired of trying
Can't you see?
I'll finally be free?
This is my only way
Please don't make me stay

I'm sorry my dear friends
But this is how it ends
I know this is goodbye
But please don't cry
This was meant to be
So please don't be sad over me

Been crying all night
Think I've lost the fight
Slowly dying
Tired of trying
Can't you see?
I'll finally be free?
This is my only way
Please don't make me stay

I'm sorry but I have to go
You know I love you so
I know you're be alright
Just don't give up the fight
And please remember
Nothing lasts forever

This is me singing my song. It's not amazing, but it's not horrible either. So enjoy it, I guess.
https://vocaroo.com/i/s0hNIPETgGFS
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