xX Tinkerbell Xx Online

32 Single Female from Brunswick       1752
         
No, I won't answer your Private Messages. Speak to me in the rooms if you wish to chat.

xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: It was an act. Abort, abort, abort.
*takes my sense of emotional safety and runs*
2 days ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: The biggest issue with living with my parents:
Although my dad has cat allergies they allowed me to bring my three cats, on condition that they stay in the heated, sealed, finished basement.
My room is up on the 2nd floor, so there is an entire first floor between my room and the basement.
The first week was fine, the cats were adjusting to the new place and sounds so they kept mostly to themselves and I would visit and spend time playing with them throughout the day and when I got home from work.
This week.... George, my big, loud cuddlebug, who seeks me out when I'm sad, has started clawing at the door at the top of the stairs and yowling. As soon as I go down to visit, he stops. So, it's not the house he wants, it's his mumma ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ˜ญ
He can't come up because of dad's allergies
And he can't be clawing at that door which is a very nice, wooden door that's original to the house.
Today I got so stressed about it, and felt so helpless that I dragged my blankets and a pillow downstairs and took a nap with him on the cat carpet on top of the concrete.
Despite the rough sleeping conditions on a concrete floor and thin carpet, it was an extremely good nap, because I had all THREE of my kitties sleeping on/around me like I normally do.
They REALLY ARE my emotional support babies and I was really torn up because I felt like I was abandoning them to a basement while living in comfort just out of their reach.

SO I'M MOVING TO THE BASEMENT!!!
Idgaf if it's weird, especially when I have a full bedroom and private bathroom available to me, I'd rather have my kitties close at hand and content.
It's too late in the day to shuffle things around and I have to go to work so I'm spending one more night up in my swanky, comfy bedroom, but tomorrow I'm dragging a cot and all my stuff downstairs and setting up so that I can be with them ๐Ÿ’•

I hate that we're in this situation, I hate that I had to start over AGAIN, but as long as I have my kitties, everything is gonna be just fine. ๐Ÿ’•
6 days ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx got the Birthday badge 10 days ago Report
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Matty Thoms
Matty Thoms: Happy birthday!
10 days ago Report
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Butterology
Butterology: Happy birthday โค๏ธ
10 days ago Report
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Blackshoes
Blackshoes: Happy Birthday
10 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Feminine Rage be no joke.
Honestly homicidal.
11 days ago Report Link
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wickedevilsmile
wickedevilsmile: Raging because
11 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx in reply to wickedevilsmile: People are two faced twats.
11 days ago Report
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wickedevilsmile
wickedevilsmile: Oh well thatโ€™s a daily happening in my world
10 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Grosssss I had a ptsd dream about him. I'm so mad he is STILL taking things from me. Precious sleep, time and energy.
In the nightmare he somehow bypassed the blocking on FB and started messaging me, he said "let's talk..." and started spamming photos of us and memories and all kinds of emotionally manipulative shit. I refused to respond so he showed up at my parent's house and snuck inside, sat on my bed and watched me napping.

I woke up in such a panic, ready to throw hands and yell for my father to get the gun. No one was here. Just me and my bed and bad dreams.

Goddssss I need a joint. x.x
13 days ago Report Link
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Mushin UNLEASHED
Mushin UNLEASHED: Stay strong tink ... ๐Ÿ’ช
12 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
13 days ago Report Link
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Travis1975
Travis1975: Beautiful but, not as beautiful as you.
13 days ago Report
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Srchng4Truth
Srchng4Truth: Beautiful!
13 days ago Report
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Princess Melody
Princess Melody: Lovely
13 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Totally stoked, I asked my dad about having a little corner set up in the garage so I can start carving and faceting gemstones again, and intending to buy a new dremel to get started up again, and he came home and gave me this little dual band grinder/polisher with an attached flexible dremel tip.
I'm OVER THE MOON about it and can't wait to get diamond bits and polishing grits for it, I need to hunt down a nice bag of rough gemstone to work on too.

THIS is what I want to work towards, these little stone carvings are going to pay the tuition for the Gemological Institute of America. I'm still sitting on the acceptance letter, idk if it carries over after a couple years and I have to reapply but that's the direction and these are the first steps! โœจ๏ธ๐Ÿ’Žโœจ๏ธ
14 days ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Ugh, NEVERMIND
Apparently it's too much to ask suitors not to call me negative names like "silly girl" and "dork"
FYI - verbal abuse escalates from there!

I took a nap about it, and when I woke up, I blocked the dude and deleted my dating app profile.

IMMA DATE MYSELF

And as a side note, I've realized that I'm so used to my world revolving around someone else that I haven't really done anything for myself in the past 10 years or so. I haven't bought a new wardrobe, I haven't spoiled myself with trips and dining experiences, I haven't pursued my goals and dreams, I haven't given my body the exercise and nourishment it deserves, Ihaven't spent enough time reading my books!

This is MY era! This is MY comeback! This is FUCKING PERSONAL. โœจ๏ธ๐Ÿ‘‘โœจ๏ธ
14 days ago Report Link
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love2chat4fun
love2chat4fun: enjoy your ERA and dont let anyone ruin it
14 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Feeling better, looking better, breathing easier! Single life looks good on me!
15 days ago Report Link
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snidge
snidge in reply to xX Tinkerbell Xx: Don't be surprised if you find you need time to process this last relationship, it may take time for it all to sink in and to decompress. It may not have lasted a long time but it sounds like a lot went on there. Time for yourself, as suggested by Luviissa, sounds like a great idea. Love yourself first and foremost!
14 days ago Report
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neri oceantranny
neri oceantranny: i hope you are recovering well and are safe, the road you chose is so brave but so rocky, keep us posted
14 days ago Report
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love2chat4fun 14 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: I am not feeling so hopeless today.
I think it has been getting better and easier to exist since I started up my Finch self care app again. I used it a few years ago and it really helped me stay on track with self care goals, anxiety and stress reducing exercises and.... clarity.

You see, nervous systems don't understand nuances.
PTSD doesn't understand that we were laughing and joking when he grabbed me, shook me and threw me on the couch. My nervous system didn't register that his love language is rough housing and his words were loud but filled with laughter and love. My nervous system didn't realize these nuances, so I whimpered, and held my hands up to protect myself, and crossed my legs to further protect myself. My nervous system made me freeze.

But my nervous system had nothing to do with him not even clocking my reaction, and him walking away to shower like everything was okay. I listened to him in the shower for about ten minutes before I could unfreeze my body, and tell the tears that they weren't needed.

Is he abusive? No.
He may lash out verbally when mad and in conflict, and he may leave bruises on me when we rough house too hard, but he would never intentionally cause me harm.

Is he a bad person? Also no.
He is a product of his environment and has a lot of unresolved trauma to work through. Add a dash of "manly man who turns wrenches for a living" and our rural setting and he's definitely the type of man who says dumb, misogynistic shit online without seeing the problem because "it's just a joke"

Are we right for each other? No.
It's so hard to admit because I really like him and enjoy him for who he is when he and I are all alone and talking and cuddling.
But... the truth is that I've been living in survival mode because, despite knowing the shit I've been through (in great detail) he still does stuff that triggers me... like shaking me and throwing me onto the couch while yelling (even though it was a playful thing and there was no anger, my nervous system doesn't understand nuances!)... like trying to throw me out every time we fight (his trauma response is to push people away, and that causes me to have issues with stability, security and rejection)... like shoving things in my face or patting my cheek (domestic violence trigger)... like waking me up loudly and jarringly every morning (he doesn't recognize me jumping and holding my arms over my face as a trauma response)... like him calling me names that make me feel bad about myself, or making jokes at my expense (men in my past were very mentally/emotionally/verbally abusive)

Is any of that his fault? Yes and no.
My triggers are my responsibility and I do my best to manage what I can and make people around me aware of things that might bother me, so that small issues don't become big issues. I'm very vocal about my condition and know my triggers, and share that knowledge, and even my experiences (if they care for the details) with those around me.

It is his fault though, for knowing these things bother me, and still doing them. It's not that hard to be gentle with people who need gentle handling. It shouldn't be a repeating conversation. I don't know if he just doesn't get it, or just doesn't care, or if he thinks I'm lying and testing me (this is a weird thought and it's weird that I would think that he's doing that but it's almost like he's trying to figure out where the line is) but all things said and done, I can't live like this.

And living like this has been making me more emotional, and reactive, and things that probably shouldn't have been fights became fights, because my nervous system is in a constant loop of fight, flight and freeze.

I just don't have the kind of thick skin it takes to be with a wild man like him. And I'll never have that kind of thick skin because my brain has forever been altered by trauma.

I've been working long hours and since he works days and I work nights, we haven't seen much of each other, and I'm finding a lot of clarity in the time apart, and seeing the interactions from when we're together a lot clearer.

I'm getting my bills sorted out quickly with all this extra work and have been getting ahead on my car loan, to raise my credit score. I have my eyes on an FHA loan and my own home. Not going for anything crazy, just a mobile home in a nice park, so that my kitties and I will be safe and stable and not need any man in our lives.

You know you're healing... when the dream goes from "I got to get away from this guy and find Mr. Right" to "I've got to get away from this guy and find PEACE."
19 days ago Report Link
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snidge
snidge: You deserve peace and to feel safe
18 days ago Report
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neri oceantranny
neri oceantranny: nobody has the right to throw you around, even if it's done in a playful way
18 days ago Report
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Kicker_
Kicker_: Hate to say it but you gotta get out now...a lot of what you typed are like....not SUREFIRE signs that someone is abusive but...when you read this a long time from now you will be like "How did all of this not clue me in for what he was actually like"...which in all likelihood is abusive. Be careful ok
14 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Oh thank Goddess
First night at my parent's house went better than I thought.
I managed to unpack and calm down enough to actually work last night, even after all the drama of packing up and leaving an abusive relationship.
I got home and went downstairs to visit my kitties, my dad has cat allergies so they'll have to stay in the finished basement but I'm sure they'd prefer that, my parent's have three BIG dogs and my kitties have never been around dogs, so they're all set on that lol!
They're adjusting well and love all the extra space to play. I'm thrilled I didn't have to put them in a shelter, because that would literally destroy me.
I figured I would get hit by a wave of emotion and cry myself to sleep, but I found nothing in my heart for him.
It's finally over.
Never going back again.
17 days ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: I take it back, he absolutely is abusive.
I'm out though. Mom came and helped me pack up, living with her and dad until I can get back on my feet.
Knew at 7am that I had to leave today or risk more harm, packed up and left while he was at work. 130pm now and I'm settling in and unpacking at mom's.
I'm okay now.
It became an emergency situation very quickly but I'm okay now.
18 days ago Report Link
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snidge
snidge: Pleased you have your parents there to support you. Much love.
17 days ago Report
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snidge
snidge: Well done for getting out of there.
17 days ago Report
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Travis1975
Travis1975: Glad you are safe.
17 days ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: "Hey... could you be nice to me and not say mean things to me or about me and the people I love?"

"Jfc, stop being so dramatic, you're crazy and just trying to cause problems for me."
22 days ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Ugh, I think I have food poisoning. I had Burger King for lunch today and got a Mocha Iced Coffee... it seemed gritty like they put too much chocolate syrup in it but it tasted fine... I do not, in fact, think it was fine!
I feel soooo icky, I'm having savage stomach cramps that knock the wind out of me and it's coming out both ends.
Glad Chris and I are back on the same page, I'm greatly enjoying the back rubs every time I get back in bed in between bathroom runs and how he scoots over to keep my side warm while I'm away.
It's past midnight now and I'm hoping it all calms down so I can get some sleep, and stop disrupting his sleep. He's not complaining or anything but I can tell by the way he's breathing lightly instead of snoring and keeps waking up to listen for me, that he's not getting any solid sleep in tonight either.
1 month ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: This idiot really is just an asshole with just as much trauma as me. ๐Ÿ™„
He waited up for me to come home from work late last night, smoked a joint and watched a movie together... talked throughout the movie, in much calmer and compassionate tones. Resolved nothing. Went to bed.
This morning we're getting ready to get out the door, him to work and me to the laundromat (to clean and separate our clothing) and he reached out and grabbed my arm, pulled me into his chest before I could tell him no... and held me there silently... and his chest started quivering... and his breathing got choppy... I have never seen this big, mean lookin man release one OUNCE of sadness in him. And he was crying.
I tried to look up at him but he kissed the top of my head and prevented me from seeing, and he started actually apologizing, genuinely, for exactly what happened. It was the first time I've actually seen him take full responsibility for his words and actions.

I fucking hate him. I hate that I can hate him, while still worrying about whether or not he's eaten, if he has clean clothes, if he has his smokes. I hate that I can be SO FUCKING ANGRY with him and still want to wipe tears and tell him it's going to be okay.

I'm still beyond pissed, and the hurt has been done.
I don't know how to proceed. I am usually capable of removing myself from unpleasantness before having to work through it (my toxic trait is I run instead of fixing it) so idk what's next.

We still have a lot more talking to do... and I am still working hard to save funds to move out of his place. My heart can only do this so many times, and we're on round three already...

Time doesn't heal everything... but time will certainly tell.
1 month ago Report Link
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Sir Loin
Sir Loin: A whole lotta forgiveness might be a good start. That doesn't mean staying with him, just forgiving him for your sake, not his
1 month ago Report
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wickedevilsmile
wickedevilsmile: Itโ€™s sad that itโ€™s taken this much for him to change enough to express remorse for his action and show true responsibility for them. But he did. And he has just proven he can grow. So you have brought that much out of him. Itโ€™s a small start. You leaving does not mean itโ€™s over unless you both want it to be. Decisions are never the best ones made when angry. What ever you do I hope you cool off and think things out.
1 month ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: He told me (after the last time) that if I left him again, he wouldn't let me come back.
I told him (after the last time) that if he tried to throw me out again, I would let him.

The difference between him and I?
I meant it.
1 month ago Report Link
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Travis1975
Travis1975 in reply to Sir Loin: It's his apartment.
1 month ago Report
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Sir Loin
Sir Loin: It's not worth trying to make things work then.
1 month ago Report
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Mushin UNLEASHED
Mushin UNLEASHED: Right now the wounds are fresh .... give it some time, you're gonna be ok
1 month ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: I broke up with him and started packing and getting a second job to afford a place of my own.... and suddenly my car is fixed, dinner is paid for and made, the tub has been scrubbed clean, the toilet seat is fixed and my potpot is full.

But has he apologized? Has he done the one thing I actually asked? Has he asked me to stay? No, no, and no.

This is how we know the difference between effort and love bombing.

#stilldonewityourass
1 month ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: The Universe really be like: "Oh?... well, then. Lemme show you again, stupid."

Fml x.x
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Matty Thoms
Matty Thoms: Hope youโ€™re okay, tink
1 month ago Report
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Mushin UNLEASHED
Mushin UNLEASHED in reply to Sliced Bread: Hahahahaha... just a smidge
1 month ago Report
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sureshot21
sureshot21: Blessings and strength to you lil buddy ~ you've got this ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿ’ช
1 month ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: SO frustrated I could cry! I woke up with crazy amounts of energy and was ready to get things done, go to work Doordashing and get laundry done in between orders....

And due to the winter storm we got last night Doordash has shut down operations in my area which is stupid because the roads are clear and it's piddled down to just rain and all the restaurants are open and serving, so I can't work, and I can't do laundry because I can't work for laundry money and the stupid laundromat switched to cards only and they preauth double the amount which is just $2 shy for a wash, and I had enough on my card for it all but I had no idea about the preauth extra and ofc, I paid all over bills and left laundry for last so now I have just enough to cover laundry until I can work again but I can't work until the app goes back online.

So, I feel like I'm hitting walls left and right. I've stopped trying and just gone home to get stoned and scream into a pillow for a bit.

That mercury retrograde is hittin hardddd this time round. x.x
1 month ago Report Link
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Sliced Bread
Sliced Bread: Doing laundry in the bathtub is a splash! I dry it in the boiler room or with a dehumidifier; sometimes both.
1 month ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: And there goes the electricity ๐Ÿ™„ this snow storm is really on my last nerve. ๐Ÿ˜ค
1 month ago Report Link
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Srchng4Truth 1 month ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Fuck that, fuck you and fuck this.
2 months ago Report Link
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wickedevilsmile
wickedevilsmile: Ummmm ok
2 months ago Report
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Sir Gavin
Sir Gavin: Sometimes you just gotta chuck it in the fuck it bucket
2 months ago Report
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Mushin UNLEASHED
Mushin UNLEASHED: Well said
2 months ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: I'm still processing this.
He filled up my little stash jar like he does every morning and today he left a little love note in there. ๐Ÿฅบ๐Ÿ˜ญ๐Ÿ’ž
Men take notes, it really is the small things.
Never did I ever think a misspelled note scrawled on a rolling paper would make me cry and make my heart explode but here we are.
2 months ago Report Link
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sureshot21
sureshot21: what a great update~!!!!
2 months ago Report
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: Got my photo tent
I was so excited I just threw the closest thing in there
I present to you, my stash jar
(It's mini, so I love it)
2 months ago Report Link
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xX Tinkerbell Xx
xX Tinkerbell Xx: My photo tent tracking number says it's in town and I think it might be delivered today!!!

2 months ago Report Link
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FireEagle
FireEagle: Yayyyy
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Princess Melody 2 months ago Report
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Srchng4Truth 2 months ago Report
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